Silas Charles Kyne

01-31-09 Out of the mouth of Babes...

2009-01-31T15:30:00.000-08:00

So, I left Silas in my room while I went to fax something in the kitchen (it is tax season and I am frantically trying to get W-2's out and everything wrapped up for 2008) and when I came back, he had made a very big mess. I looked at him, hands on hips and asked, "Why did you make such a big mess?"

His reply - "Well, you shouldn't have weft me ay-one." [translation - left me alone]
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..................... He isn't even three yet!!!!!!!! .........................
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12-30-08 Scan results

2008-12-30T00:39:00.000-08:00

So far the scan on Silas' brain has shown no sign of seizure activity. After the new year we go in for an EKG and bloodwork, then we should know for sure. Here's keeping fingers crossed and prayers going!

11-27-08 Thanksgiving day... Am I thankful?!?

2008-11-27T10:17:00.000-08:00

Silas' results from the sleep deprivation brain scan are not in yet. We are going in next Mon. to get labs drawn and one other thing done that I can't remember at the moment. THAT should be fun!

I am grateful that we have a wonderful dentist who's primary goal is to keep kids comfortable with the dentist. He managed to convince Silas that he needed to chase the sugarbugs around with the toothbrush and then paint the "sugarbug poop" off his teeth (paint on the fluoride). That is about as far as it went and took about 6 min. Silas has a mouth full of cavities. {(sigh)} In part it is due to all the medications he was on in the NICU and the trauma he suffered when his body should have been creating enamel on his teeth. Another contributor is his oral aversion and we have only recently (after age 2) been able to do any significant teeth brushing with him and only 3 times have I been able to floss more than 1 tooth. Anyway, he now says in his prayers, "Thank-you God, for dentist and poop off my teeth." EWWWW! I hope I don't ever have to explain that one!

11-05-2008 Silas...

2008-11-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know that we are taking Silas in for tests at the end of Nov. We are trying to discover if he is having seizures or not. The main test that I am NOT looking forward to is the sleep deprivation brain scan. I need to keep him up until 11pm (this is NOT the hard part) and then wake him again at 2am. After that, he needs to stay awake (without caffeine of any kind) until the scan at 9am which will last for 2 hours. (sigh) Like I said, I am NOT looking forward to it.

08-22-08 I'm back!

2008-08-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a couple months since I've updated here, and it has been said that a picture says a thousand words... so I'm going to start with a few picture posts.

This is the color guard for the Southern Oregon Young Marines as they marched in the 4th of July parade in Central Point.

The S.O. Young Marines Banner.

(This is a small flag that they carried compared to last year.) I put a circle around Micah.

Micah's handsome, if somewhat sunburned, face.

This is the banner for the American Heritage Girls. The girls went around with spray bottles "cooling off" the onlookers.

Jerusha in one of the tie dyed shirts that were made by the AHG at a meeting.

And Savannah...

...I just had to take a picture of the hair that was done by one of the leaders. Savannah said she thought it looked like she had fireworks bursting from the top of her head.

This was a visit to the ER where Silas was screaming, doubling over and pinching at his tummy on the right side. Turns out, after throwing up all over me as we walked into the hospital, he only had the flu!

And this is how we spent 3 hours in "observation"!

Jerusha's 7th birthday at the roller skating rink.

Luke, brother Caleb's son, after he took a tumble and split open his nose!

Jasmine, brother Caleb's daughter... I call her BOO after the little girl in Monster's Inc.

Joshua, brother Caleb's oldest.

Silas

Silas very determined to wrestle away the cat from Jerusha.

Jerusha holding my mom's cat Barney.

Savannah with my mom's dog, Finnagin.

Micah with my mom's dog, Finnagin.

Jerusha at horse camp.

Jerusha again.

Savannah at horse camp.

Savannah again.

Micah at horse camp.

Micah again.

And that's it for now!!!

06-29-08 Nanette

2008-06-29T02:45:00.000-07:00

Just had to add a couple pictures of our beautiful NICU friend that I "stole" from her mommy's blog. We miss you and hope to see you in a month or two!

06-29-08 Picture post.

2008-06-29T02:30:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd post a few pictures of the kids having fun and cooling off at the little park in town.

Micah and Jerusha delightedly got soaked.

Savannah had a hard time keeping up with the Little Bear and finally grabbed him for a picture.

My boys having too much fun.

Silas is quite proud of his "monkey" abilities.

Jerusha and her perma grin! (And yes Mom, I know she needs a haircut!)

My beautiful and creative Savannah.

Micah... I am still sometimes shocked at how much I am looking up to him as he is now 6'2", but he will always be my precious baby.

This is Silas' new "smile" for the camera. Hhhmmmm.

And these are the adorable gifts God has entrusted to me... WHAT WAS HE THINKING?!?!?!? {(smile)}

06-28-08 Sydney Eve Kroll

2008-06-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

Here are some better pictures of my sister's baby. And, from reading on her facebook profile, the new little one's name is Sydney Eve. I wasn't there long enough to get a picture of her with her eyes open, but you can see her adorable, chubby face.

This is Sydney in my brother, Trevor's arms. (*He* got to hold her...notice the little bit of jealousy!!!)

She scrunched up her face at the flash... too cute. Be blessed little one.

06-27-08 Judah...

2008-06-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

I miss you, Judah. Happy birthday little man. Today marks the second year since your arrival and, soon, your departure. Time marches on but you remain a vibrant part of my memory. Please ask Jesus to watch over your daddy, mommy, big brother Asher and new little sister Josie. They miss you and have a tremendous ache in their hearts. Ask Him to give them extra measures of love and comfort while they remember what a special boy you are and how much they miss you. Ask Him, as I do, to remind others to be gentle and give them the time they need to be sad. You are an awesome little boy and they wish they could be with you right now; their tears are the only relief they have until they can hold you again. Take care sweet boy.

06-26-08 She's here! She's here!

2008-06-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

My sister, Shahala, just gave birth to beautiful little girl! At 8 lbs 2 oz, she gave Shahala a run for her money, but captured everyone's heart in the end. Thank-you Lord for her safe arrival!

They are not the best photos, but my mom got some better ones and I will post them when I can! (Her first name is pending... but her middle name is Eve.)

06-21-08 Just for laughs.

2008-06-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an Attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Tormentors!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and Snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously Retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe.

For now...
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So are you a dog or a cat?!?!?!? For me, it depends on the day!

6-18-08 Tragedy strikes again...

2008-06-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

Steven Curtis Chapman has lost his 5 year old daughter, Maria, just days after her 5th birthday. The family had just celebrated their oldest daughter's engagement and were about to celebrate their son's graduation. Please pray for this dedicated, god-loving family. They have been a living testimony of God's love and have inspired and comforted numerous people with their music.

To read more about Maria and the family, goto:

blogsite

SCChapman website

Death is a universal language. It knows no prejudice for color, social status, wealth, poverty, location, language, ethnicity or living situation. It is a horror that nips at the heels of every living being until we are at last gathered to our Father's arms. Our only hope is in the Lord.

Psalm 31:7-10 "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak."

Isaiah 40:28-31 "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

The Lord, Himself, watched as His only son was murdered and died at the hands of wicked man; He knows the pain more acutely than we can ever experience it. He is more grief stricken over a child's death than even the mother and father of that child. He is our comfort. He is our solace. He is our God.

6-12-08 Life in Alberta...

2008-06-12T02:16:00.000-07:00

What it means to be an Albertan:

1. Vacation means going to Calgary or Edmonton for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once or hit a moose and totaled their car.

5. You use a down comforter in the summer.

6. Your grandparents drive at 100 km/hr through 4 meters of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car and your kids know how to use them.

8. You design your kids’ Halloween costumes to fit over their snowsuits.

9. Driving is so much better in the winter because all the potholes are filled.

10. You know that there are two seasons: winter and construction.

11. You get bundled up in three sweaters, a parka, ski pants, a toque, two pairs of mittens, boots past your knees while around you a blizzard blows making -35 turn into -8000 with wind chill, in three feet of snow as your nose is running, your eyelashes are frozen together, you can’t feel your toes and you STILL stop at 7 Eleven for a slurpee on the way home from the ski hill.

12. Gopher = speed bump

13. At least half your family works in oil and gas.

14. You’ve said the phrase, “Don’t spill any poutien on the chesterfield, ya’ hosier!” and know what it meant.

15. You actually laugh at this list.

2008-06-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder if life is worth living...?

05-20-08 Tag, I'm it.

2008-05-20T00:51:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Carole and thought it would be interesting...

The rules:
1. Link to the tagger and post these rules on your blog.
B. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some weird, some random.
III. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs. Lastly, let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1.) I am sad alot. My motto has always been "Laugh at life or life will laugh at you." I seem happy and upbeat to many people, but it is all a cover, a distraction from how I really feel. I am sad alot.

2.) I hate it when people don't like me. I like people so much and try so hard to make them comfortable and at ease that if they don't like me back, I feel totally rejected. And yeah, I know... I shouldn't get my worth from others' opinions of me, but hey, what can I say.

3.) I still scream when I am startled by a spider. I have had arachnophobia since I was in grade school and occasionally still have nightmares about them. They always represent some terrible evil when they are in my dreams.

4.) I don't like to sleep. Unless I am so exhausted that I don't dream. (Not necessarily connected to #3, but I'm sure spider dreams don't help!) Also, I used to think sharks were under my bed. I would leap onto the bed (after shutting the light off) and make sure I was curled in a ball in the middle of the bed and wait, holding my breath. If I heard even I creak that I didn't recognize, I'd lie frozen in terror that the sharks would get me... go figure.

5.) I am afraid every day that I am not a good mother to my children and wonder if it is an injustice that they got stuck with me as their mom. They are why I breathe, and yet, they are also why I have a hard time breathing. Their love is so complete and unconditional. Ninety percent of the time I fail to be worthy of that love.

6.) I love that my husband smells good. Since I met him, he has always worn cologne, but even when he doesn't, I love to bury my nose in his neck and just breathe.

7.) I absolutely detest roller coasters! Why anyone would want to deliberately scare the crap out of themselves and call it fun, is beyond me. Personally, I think that they have suicidal tendencies and everyone who climbs aboard a roller coaster after handing the operator a ticket should then be handed a coupon for a psyche evaluation when they disembark. Just my opinion, of course.

And there you have it... seven weird, random things about me that you probably didn't know before.

Now, who would I like to know more about. Hmmm, who can I tag...

JoAnn
Jen
Catherine
Dejah
Melissa
Aytekin
Teri

04-11-08 Happy Birthday Nanette!

2008-04-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Two whole years and she is fit as a fiddle. No reherniation. No ongoing issues. What a precious miracle she is!

04-10-08 Happy Birthday Silas!

2008-04-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful that God afforded me time to get to know you and time for you to know us. I love you, my son.

04-07-08 Picture Post 4

2008-04-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

Becky, mommy to Joshua (who spent 6 months in the NICU and a few months at home before leaving this earth), spent a month with us. We went to the coast for a visit and took Becky in tow.

------------------------- Jerusha and Silas

------------------------- Becky and Savannah

------------------------- Silas - off to conquerer the ocean

I love this picture with his reflection in the wet sand. I took about 10 pictures to finally capture it. This boy does NOT sit still.

------------------------- Becky and Silas

------------------------- It was a beautiful day.

------------------------- seagull

------------- Silas, Savannah, Jerusha and Becky.

Savannah takes everyone for a ride... CLEAR THE ROADS!!! Just kidding, she did a very good job.

Again Savannah is giving rides.

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My kids got the opportunity to fly in two small planes. One was a two seater and one was a four seater.

Jerusha rode with another Mom since I had a severe sinus/ear infection for a week...lucky them.

Micah gets a overview before hopping in.

Savannah had so much fun and was so excited that she almost forgot to take pictures while she was up.

This is one she managed to take before the pilot did a 90 degree turn.

Micah got a great shot of our Mt. Pitt.

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Couldn't resist taking a picture of the sleeping man. He is so rarely this quiet, it seems a miracle that he even CAN sleep.

------------------------- This little piggy...

Look at all that shaggy hair. Will we ever be able to cut it?

YES! After 45 minutes of screaming, crying, laughing, shouting, spraying Mommy in the face with a water bottle, hitting the hairdresser, eating spoonfuls of honey, etc., We had done it. Thank you Carla!! And a huge apology to all the other clients in the salon.

04-07-08 Picture Post 3

2008-04-07T00:35:00.001-07:00

This was Christmas 2007:

My dad got all the boys air-soft guns.

Jerusha and her new keyboard.

Silas loves his rocking horse that whinnies and makes all sorts of noises.

----------------------------- Jerusha

----------------------------- Micah

----------------------------- Silas and Albert

----------------------------- Savannah

----------------------------- Silas got ahold of someone's tea!

Micah and Silas making a snowman in the back yard.

Albert and Savannah throwing snowballs at Micah and Jerusha.

04-07-08 Picture Post 2

2008-04-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

Albert, on the last day of the season, went with a friend to hunt. Not ten minutes into it, Albert dropped this buck. You can't beat that.

Poor Bambi.

I finally got a frame for my beautiful oil painting I bought last year.

This is Aunna, (3 month preemie the doctor's didn't think would make it) and is now 2 years old.

This is DJ, another preemie, who, other than some asthmatic issues, is a healthy rambunctious 2 year old.

Silas' bowling shoes were too cute not to take a picture of. We went bowling with Dustin, Amanda and Aunna and Trina and DJ when we took a trip to Salem this fall.

Silas is asking Aunna if she wants some cheerios...

And then proceeds to shove them in her mouth... er... feed them to her.

Oohhhh. Hugs for a fellow NICU buddy.

DJ - Okay, enough hugs already!!!

Silas gets cuddles from Kathy, our ECMO/NICU nurse and now dear friend.

We stay at a hotel that has an indoor pool. Look how tall my 13 year old looks?!?! Is that really my baby? Micah is almost 6 feet tall now.

Squishy, soggy, Daddy hugs. Too much fun.

One last picture before we get out and head for home.

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The kids and I went to the coast again for Thanksgiving and Joshua's (brother Caleb's son) birthday party.

Silas chasing Luke (who was born 2 months later and almost 2 lbs lighter... hard to believe, eh?).

Caleb teaching Joshua how to ride his new motor bike.

Savannah and Silas (with Jasmine, Caleb's daughter, in the background).

Caleb giving Jasmine a ride on Joshua's new bike.

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This is one of the reasons I miss living in Lake Creek. The scenery is phenomenal.

After hurricane force winds in the valley, trees fell like toothpicks. This is Caleb's fifth wheel after a tree fell across it.

This is the scene all around Dad and Mom's mountain house.

This is one of the trees that landed alongside the suburban and horse trailer. It caused alot of damage but the vehicle was still drivable as were all their other vehicles (after repairs).

Silas hugging Zion (sister Shahala's daughter) right before crashing to the ground and causing severe emotional distress in his poor little cousin.

04-07-08 Pictures post 1

2008-04-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

On our way to visit my parents' at the coast in October.

Papa (my dad, Chuck) reading to the youngest two, while Savannah lay in bed with the chicken pox. And then...

Jerusha gets poxed...

And Silas gets poxed too. He had them everywhere including in his ears, eyelids and mouth; poor guy.

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This is from the Hallelujah Hoedown (a party at the church with all the fun and none of the "stranger fear" parents might have).

Jerusha (the princess bride) with her blonde wig and a wad of candy in her mouth proclaimed, "I don't even look like myself!"

Micah (captain Jack Sparrow) is not allowed to smile. Fierce he must look!

Beautiful Savannah (a princess) gets her face painted.

Our Little Bear, Silas. Thank you, God, for our opportunity to know him.

Zion, (sister Shahala's daughter) looking every bit her adorable, mischievous self.

Trevor (brother) and his wife Kate as Snow White and the woodsman.

Matt, Rachel and Asher with (with Josie on the way) making monster cookies.

When we came home, this is how we found Daddy. Poor guy works way too hard.

And me. I went as a Mom. It took some doing, but I think I pulled it off.

04-06-08 Thank you all for praying!

2008-04-06T21:49:00.001-07:00

Josie is here! Rachel delivered Josie at 37 weeks 1 day gestation and (other than some fluid in her lungs a brief visit to the dreaded NICU) she is absolutely fine. Matt and Rachel are delighted as am I. Congratulations guys!

03-01-08 Thank-you for your prayers.

2008-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

Matt and Rachel are still in the hospital, but labor has been halted. Rachel has been given steroids to mature the baby's lungs "just in case" she is still born early. The doctor's have said that even if Josie is born today (at about 7 weeks early) she has a 94% chance have having absolutely no lasting complications... Pretty great odds. Thank you all for your support and prayers.
~Tanaya~
P.S. Shanda, I forwarded your message onto Rachel. I am so sorry, but I have been sooo busy and completely overwhelmed with my life that I have not been keeping up with returning phone calls and emails. I am thrilled that Ryan is doing well. I'll try to call this next week.

02-27-08 Prayers for the Southmayds.

2008-02-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

The medication is (so far) not stopping Rachel's labor. The doctors are administering steroids to hurry the lung development of little Josie, but she is still 7 and 1/2 weeks early. This is their 3rd pregnancy; first, they had an emergency C-section and Asher stayed in the NICU for "failure to thrive", then Judah had CDH and left their arms after only 16 days from birth, and now this. I am asking everyone I know to pray for them and their little family. It just seems so unfair.

02-27-08 PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!

2008-02-27T08:37:00.000-08:00

PRAYER!!! Matt and Rachel (baby Judah’s parents) are pregnant and due April 15, 2008 with their little girl, Josie. Rachel has just been admitted to the hospital today and has started labor (almost 7 weeks early). The doctor’s have to wait until lab tests come back to make sure she doesn’t have some sort of infection before they will stop labor. HELP!

12-12-07 Update

2007-12-12T13:12:00.001-08:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know that my nephew is okay; the medication worked and he is recovering from both the pox and MRSA. YEAH! Jerusha and Silas are on the mend as well and Jerusha went back to school today. Let me see... What crisis can I confront next?!?!?

12-08-07 Remember Joshua

2007-12-08T23:05:00.000-08:00

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of Joshua, Becky's son. Miraculously, after nearly 6 months in the NICU, he got to spend a few months at home in the loving care of his mommy before he left us all behind. You will always be remembered, Little Man, and thank-you for the memories of that fabulous smile.

12-08-07 When it rains…you get MRSA

2007-12-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

We are now dealing with chicken pox again… Both Jerusha and Silas started breaking out on Wednesday and are just miserable this weekend. They are not my worry, however. My nephew, (brother Caleb’s youngest) is extremely ill with the pox. Unlike my kids and his siblings, Luke has a compromised immune system and woke this morning with a pox bigger than a fifty cent piece and a nasty red line running from it toward the middle of his chest. When his mommy took him to the doctor, they told her they suspect MRSA, a nasty medication resistant staph infection. Please pray that he gets well as quickly as possible and that there will be no lasting side effects from any of this. Also, that everyone else in the house will be protected from this MRSA bug.

11-28-07 A Pox on Me.

2007-11-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

So we get up Thursday morning, finish packing our things, and say good-bye to Daddy (for the first Thanksgiving since I married him) and head to the coast to spend a long weekend with my parents. In the midst of all the hub-bub, Savannah complains of a sore, scratchy throat and shows me this bump on the back of her neck. I assume that it must be a bug bite, give her a honey/lemon concoction for her throat and away we go.

We had a lovely supper with Dad, Mom, Caleb (brother), Lisa and their three kids, Joshua, Jasmine and Luke. The children played well with one another and adults got to visit. Fast forward to Friday morning. Savannah woke up with a fever, raging sore throat and covered in spots. (This her second time getting them so I am quite surprised.) Also, since none of Caleb and Lisa's kids have had them and neither has Jerusha or Silas, I am assuming that it is only a matter of time before we will be known as the spotted family. Ugh!

Our long weekend has turned into a 10 day visit so far. We don't want to expose our elderly people to chicken pox, so we are staying with my parents at the coast since they've already been exposed. And the cherry on the cake is that Silas, who has been down right miserable, has cut all four of his eye teeth at once... let the cranky, watery eyes, the snot-filled nose, and the slimy slobber flow!!!

Other than all the sickness distractions, we've been having a wonderful break from the house and all the work that seems to multiply in our adult foster care home every time I turn around. We are down to three residents at the moment, so it is a very manageable number. However, we are remodeling one of the bedrooms (adding a closet and window bench-seat with drawers underneath) -- as well as replacing the carpet with laminante in three of the rooms and trying to complete the new half bath -- so there is never a dull moment. Come to think of it, there is rarely even a quiet moment let alone a dull one.

We are planning on going to Portland Dec. 7 to spend a few days having fun as a family. I also want to visit with Becky whose Joshua will be gone for one year exactly on Dec. 8th. There is a new CDH survivor who made her debut on Oct. 28th at Legacy (and seems to be doing well) who I will get to meet for the first time as well. I can't wait! And if her mommy won't mind, I'll post a picture of her when I get back.

For now, I'll just count my blessings as teeth emerge, and pox disappear.

11-14-07 Remembering the pain.

2007-11-14T02:09:00.000-08:00

Tonight I allowed myself to remember. I allowed myself to block out all the other precious, cherished children who’ve stepped through the veil from this world to the next and thought only about our son. I let myself relive our time with Silas when his life was precariously balanced between heaven and earth. When we had no clue what God’s plan was for our son or ourselves. I haven’t done this in a very long time, mostly because I am so grateful to have my child and I feel guilty when I allow myself to feel pain about any of what we went through; and partly because I feel ashamed for feeling resentful about what we missed with our son when there are so many parents who aren’t even able to kiss their precious babes goodnight. But tonight I can’t hold back the pain. Maybe it’s the holidays, maybe it’s because I know I will never have another child that I can have a “normal” birth and infancy with, maybe I’m just tired; I don’t know.

I just know that tonight I am overwhelmed with the memories of the trauma of watching Silas dying… and all the tubes and machines… no one able to tell us more than, “We’ll see how he’s doing tomorrow.” I reread a few posts from when we were up at Legacy and I sounded so strong, but it’s like that was a different person. I remember feeling like the world was falling down all around me and I was being crushed from the weight of it all. And yet, I was wrapped in Jesus arms, along with my husband and the rest of our family and I knew that either way, I would accept God’s decision. And then we got to go home. I was TERRIFIED that some one would come running after us yelling, “Wait! There’s been a mistake! You can’t take him! He belongs with us!” And the nightmares… both Silas’ and mine. The nightmare that still haunts me where, to save his life, Silas’ head had been surgically severed and I had to make sure that he was perfectly still so that all the veins and arteries would line up and he’d stay alive… then I’d bump him and blood would be everywhere and I was responsible for his death. Oh, the nightmares…

And how it has affected my kids… Savannah has said, “I hope that, when I have babies, they live.” And Jerusha said, “I’m scared,” when I told her my sister is pregnant again. They are 10 and 6!!! Even Micah who’s 13 says things like, “I just can’t think about it. It makes me feel sick,” when we talk about how far Silas has come. And I can’t even imagine the horror Silas felt being taken from the safety of the womb to sheer hell in his mind. I long for the innocence back. I wonder that I went merrily through my life never really knowing that bad things happen to babies. I mean, I knew in my head, but I never really knew in my heart. It is just so terribly wrong for babies to be that ill when they are born; or ever for that matter.

I am heartbroken that Silas no longer nurses. I nursed my third until she was 21 months and I had fully planned on about 2 years with Silas. He was barely a year when he quit and, at any rate, it had been a constant struggle up to that point.

So many things that I grieve... but God had/has a plan. And in His great plan, he allowed this trial in our lives and He is using it to make me into a stronger, more compassionate person. He is showing me that I need to appreciate so much that I’d taken for granted. Children are a gift from Him, not a “right” of ours. They are created, at His pleasure, for eternity. *When* He takes them from this world to the next is irrelevant. Whether a person is a few days old or 95 years, we are designed and destined for eternal life. The trials we face on earth give us the opportunity to grow in our understanding of Christ and to become more like him. THIS – here and now; our time on earth – is the time that is a small blip on the screen of eternity. THIS is the temporary place. Heaven awaits us to fill all our senses with all consuming joy and peace. God awaits our return to His arms with more anticipation than *we* do. With all that being said, thank-you Father, for taking me through the firestorm of Silas’ traumatic birth and infancy. Thank you for allowing us to go through all the trials. Thank you for allowing all the pain. Thank you for allowing the uncertainty. I thank you because I choose to praise You in all circumstances, not just when things are going well. If I’m having a great, easy time or if I feel life couldn’t possibly get any more painful, it does not change who You are. You are the Creator of all life and You love me more than I can even love my children. You are amazing, Lord.

11-06-07 Melt in your mouth...

2007-11-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

There is something perfect about a Reece’s peanut butter cup, don’t you think? The ideal blend of salty peanut butter wrapped with sweet chocolate is simply irresistible… Excuse me for a moment while I test my theory… Yup. I’m right. Irresistible!

There is absolutely no reason for this post aside from the fact that I am trying to pay bills and Silas just handed me a bag of leftover candy (from the recent “candy-industry dominated holiday”) and said with the most earnest of faces, “More?”

10-24-07 Picture Post - Take two!

2007-10-27T01:21:00.000-07:00

More pictures...Yeah!
The oldest three "put Silas to sleep" and proceeded to watch a movie in the ensuing quiet few moments.

Micah took Silas outside early one morning before he'd had breakfast of gotten out of his PJ's. He loves his swing and he loves Aunty Kate's dog, Mickey, when she brings him to play with our dog, Bandonah.

Jerusha and Silas getting a massage in Daddy's massaging chair.

Is their any better way to spend a late summer afternoon than between Savannah and Jerusha who simply adore you?

Micah's birthday cake... well, I thought it was clever!

Micah, moments before discovering that no matter how often he blows out his candles, they keep relighting. I told you I was clever!

Silas and I went to a miracle baby reunion at our local hospital. I was trying to get a picture of him in the incubator but was afraid he'd fall out. When this nice lady tried to help by holding him through the access holes, he thought it was a game and kept peeking down at her and laughing.

Finally got the picture... now compare it to this...

Silas - just over an hour old and unable to breathe.

Silas on ECMO only a couple days old.

This is Silas with Dr. Harker who made the final call to send him to Portland where he would have access to ECMO.

10-26-07 Picture Post

2007-10-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

I realized it has been awhile since I posted any pictures of Silas and the kids, soooooo......

Silas catching a ride on Papa's shoulders.

Kyne kids in Papa and Grammy's hottub.

Luke, brother Caleb and Lisa's son, born two months after Silas and two pounds lighter!

Just check out the difference in the size of their legs!

Luke tries to fatten Silas up.

Jasmine, Luke's sister who is simply adorable! I call her "Boo" after Boo in Monsters Inc. because she used to sound just like her with a string of unintelligible noises and then a single word, clear as a bell, like "Kitty".

Silas chases a seagull at the beach.

Micah at the beach. He always poses so wonderfully. I think he has discovered it is over more quickly when you cooperate.

Jerusha, looking perky!

Savannah, posing in her Santa's helper shirt... she's vacationing before the toy construction goes into full swing.

I was attempting to get a picture of Silas who was being immensely uncooperative.

This is what most of the pictures looked like.

This is the only "good" photo I managed to get of him.

Joshua, Jasmine and Luke's big brother.

I LOVE this picture!

Playing in the ocean is just too much fun!

The brothers.

10-18-07 Double Trouble

2007-10-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah! Silas has finally doubled his birth weight! Starting out at a whopping 10pounds 4oz. he was above the 100^th percentile. By the time he came home from the NICU, we struggled to keep his scrawny, skin and bones body above the 1^st percentile. (His length puts him almost in the 50^th percentile.) Considering that the average baby will double their birth weight by four months and triple it by a year, we are ecstatic that Silas has finally doubled it at his 18month check up. Our doctor figures he is so active that he simply burns a ton more calories than most babies his age and is very pleased with his over all health. From oral aversion and stroke to overactive toddler who keeps me exhausted with all the trouble (and cupboards) he gets into… It’s Silas Charles!

By the way, Albert is considering a temporary name change; instead of being known as “Little Bear”, for the foreseeable future he is being called “Screaming Eagle”. I’ll give you one guess as to why. o-O From lungs that wouldn’t work to a scream that could shatter glass, or at least my ear drums.

P.S. I just had to post a picture sent to us from a couple of our NICU friends. I've also reposted a couple "before" pictures so that you can apreciate the "after". Remember little Aunna who was born three months early and DJ who was also a tiny preemie? Well, look at them now!!!!

This was DJ back when just suck, swallow breathe was so difficult to master...

This is Aunna when she was first born and Dustin and Amanda were told she might not make it.

This is Amanda holding Aunna when she was still so tiny that Amanda was almost scarred to breathe because she was afraid that Aunna might break.

And now the little darlins' are much bigger than Silas and just as adorable! Thank-you for the picture Trina!

One last thing, there is a new family who is getting ready to have their baby up at Legacy Emanuel and they will be staying at the Ronald McDonald House. Their baby has CDH, the same birth defect that Judah, Nanette, Joshua, Jolee, Joseph and so many others have had. Please pray that their delivery will go smoothly and that the baby's medical needs will be few. Also, Sofia (who also had CDH), has had her diaphragm re-herniate at the age of 1 and 1/2 years. Pray that her little body will heal quickly and that it won't be too traumatic for her or her family.

10-06-07 Still not in bed.

2007-10-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

"Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?!?"

Things I think about... and I wonder why I can't sleep?!?!

10-06-07 Running on empty

2007-10-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

WARNING! Complaint session about to commence. If you decide to continue, grab a slice of cheese and be prepared for the whine:

I am so exhausted. I don't get more than a few hours of sleep at night since I don't get to bed before 1-2am (and sometimes later). I spend every waking moment doing something for someone and stressing because I am not getting it all done. I must plan and have ingredients available for three meals a day (and snacks) for 11-12 people. I do marathon grocery shopping trips and walk out with four carts full to the brim. I coordinate medical issues, doctor's visits, phone calls from families, nurses visiting, families and friends visiting, purchasing personal items as well as driving to the doctor's appointments with all the proper paperwork for five elderly residents in my home. I pay bills, employees and taxes. I screw up and spend hundreds of hours on the phone and through the mail trying to rectify the situations. In my spare time I shuttle children to and from school and activities, try to get them to do their homework, make their lunches, take their baths, brush their teeth, clean their rooms, stop fighting, and "for crying-out-loud would you please stop yelling and running in the house!" Oh yeah, while I am doing all this, I chase Silas from room to room to room taking things away, turning him in a different direction, disciplining him, telling him "Good job!" when he does something new and basically watching that he doesn't do permanent damage to himself, the dog, the house or other people in the home.

The list is endless, but my vision keeps blurring and I'm too tired to keep going.

I tried recently to describe my life to someone and this is what I said, "Imagine you have a job. Now imagine that the job involves interacting with needy, sometimes downright demanding, people. Now imagine that you don't get any of your scheduled breaks and you barely have time to pee. Now imagine that you have your four children come with you to where you work and you need to tend to them and their needs as well. Now imagine that your replacement doesn't show up or says they are too tired to stay after a couple hours. Now imagine that you never, *ever* get to leave. That would be a taste of my life and, right now, it sucks.

10-06-07 Happy Birthday Caleb!

2007-10-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

Caleb, my brother, you are now officially in the last year of your 20's. Next year the first digit changes and you'll be on MY side of the big three zero!

I love you!
~Tanaya~

10-01-07 Squish

2007-10-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you're the bug... Sometimes you're the windshield. I wonder what today will bring. Have mercy, Lord, and grant me patience with my children, kindness toward my husband and strength for myself. Give me a joyful spirit despite my exhaustion and help me to remember that Silas's "go get 'em, never slow down, get into EVERYTHING and tear it apart then look for the next thing to do at a hundred miles an hour" personality is one of the main reasons he survived the NICU. I wouldn't trade him, or anything about him, for any alternative; just keep reminding me of that as I attempt to keep up with him today.
In Jesus name I ask this.

09-11-07 Happy, happy birthday, Micah!

2007-09-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday, Micah! I hope you have a fantastic 13th birthday and I pray that your teenage years will be filled with the peace that Jesus brings, the passionate fire from the Holy Spirit and the ever-present mercy from the Lord. I love you, Son.
Mom

09-01-07 Happy Birthday Mom!

2007-09-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Mommy! You lucky girl; you have ME for a daughter! LOL! I love you!

If anyone wants to wish Jeannie a happy birthday and you don’t have her email, you can either do it here or write to me at tanayakyne@hotmail.com and I will get you in contact with her.

08-28-07 Three's

2007-08-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

So why does it seem that everything major always happens in threes? Sometimes it is wonderful, like when I found out I was pregnant with Silas. Then Lisa, my brother Caleb’s wife, found out she was pregnant with Luke, and then my sister, Shahala, found out she was pregnant with her first, Zion. But then there are times like yesterday… Shahala, who is pregnant with baby number two, has been hemorrhaging for a couple days and we are unsure of the status of Baby. Then I had to rush Silas to the ER because he decided to taste test some dishwasher detergent when someone left the cabinet unlocked. (Oh, what I wouldn’t have given for a little oral aversion at that moment, let me tell you!) On my way in, I called Mom who informed me that she had just spoken to Caleb, and Lisa was rushing their son, Luke, into the ER for stitches because he had split open his head. (The little turkey came toddling out of the bedroom with a grin spread across his adorable face and blood pouring from the laceration crossing his eyebrow after he was jumping on the bed. It turned out that all they needed to do was put some crazy glue on it to hold it together, thank goodness.) Again I pose the question, why threes? I am not a superstitious person, but it does seem uncanny.

Silas is fine, by the way. One nurse told me that little kids are like goats; they can eat just about anything and be okay. We also bumped into Paul, the ER doc who performed CPR on our little bear when he was born. For some reason I am always shocked that he isn’t 6’10” with a 3’ wide chest. I think that because he helped save Silas’ life and I am so in awe of that, that I just have a grandiose picture of him in my mind.

We also stopped in at the birth center where Silas’ before and after pictures are still up on the board. We didn’t get to see Kathy this time, but we did chat with some of the other wonderful ladies working there. We also said hello to Susan, the lactation consultant, who is an absolute dynamo. If anyone EVER needs help with a breastfeeding issue, I would send them to her faster than they could blink. If she doesn’t know an answer to something, she will find out! That is it for now. I must finish getting ready to go do the “back-to-school” shopping for which I have no money and am in no mood…Yay me. Oh well, the kids always have fun.

08-27-07 Praise God...even when it hurts.

2007-08-27T23:55:00.000-07:00

This song by Casting crowns is so powerful…

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Thank-you for this song, guys. My husband claimed it as a life-song for our son, Silas, when his life hovered between heaven and earth. God granted us time with our son here on earth, but so many friends of ours will have to wait until they themselves are taken home before they can see their little ones again. It is truly important to learn this lesson of praising Him not just when He does things that make our lives easier or more pleasurable, but also when we don't understand or we are in pain. It is has also been one of the most difficult lessons for me to learn and sometimes my flesh wins and I despair. But everyday I am better able to turn my face back to the Creator and praise Him simply for being God.

08-25-07 Joseph MacGarvey Olson

2007-08-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

This is for Carole, Joseph's mommy, who lost her beautiful boy one year ago today. She is an amazing woman whom I've come to respect and admire tremendously. She can make me cry so hard with her heart wrenching honesty and laugh so my sides hurt with her irreverent humor.

~ ~ Beloved Son ~ ~

I loved you from before you were;
I loved you from the start.
I love you still with every beat
Of my pounding, breaking heart.

I hoped and dreamed and wished for you.
I prayed and screamed and cried for you.
If it had been a choice of mine,
I surely would have died for you.

I talked to you and sang to you
And hoped you felt my love.
I wanted you to stay with me
And not ascend above.

Alas, it came too soon for me
The night before your birth.
I laid in quiet solitude
As moon went round the earth.

Then in the silence of the night
Surrounded by my family,
I treasured your squirming one last time
As you kicked and played inside of me.

The dawn arrived with too much haste.
The time was almost here.
Soon I’d see your little face
And hold you close, my dear.

It was happening all too fast
I yearned to slow the pace.
Your sweet father held my hand
As I looked upon his handsome face.

With trembling hands and beating heart,
I touched your tiny toes,
The velvet hair on top your head,
And kissed your button nose.

I studied every part of you;
Your ageless image in my mind.
I wanted all the world to stop
And every clock to bind.

I didn’t want these moments to end
How could I say good-bye?
We’d only just been introduced
I wanted to know WHY?!

Beloved son, my angel dear.
Your time with us was short.
So bittersweet the memories
That pain and joy are hard to sort.

If only there had been more time.
If only you’d stayed on earth.
Why did you don your angel wings
So soon beyond your birth?

Instead of me, you hug the Lord
And giggle from angel’s kisses.
Jesus’ arms are where you rest
Until at last He wishes,

That I can leave and reunite
With the son I hold so dear.
My darling, precious, little love;
And my ears, your voice will hear.

Before too long I’ll see you again
And hold you to my chest.
Then at last my grief will fade.
My soul will have the perfect rest.

Until that day I won’t be whole
But He will help me through.
The One who lost His only Son
Promises forever to be true.

So play my love, beloved son,
And fill your heart with joy.
‘Cause someday soon Mommy’s coming
To see her baby boy.

08-15-07 You think you know someone...

2007-08-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

Today I found out that someone I know well thinks that I am an abusive mother and an abusive caregiver to my residents... I have sat here staring at that sentence for quite some time now and can find no words to describe how it makes me feel.

08-08-07 Coming of age...

2007-08-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

Happy belated birthday, me! August 6 was the day I was born in Alberta, Canada. Now I live with my precious family in our newly purchased home in Oregon. This week I have escaped the “fun house” and am relaxing at a truly fun house (my parent’s place) at the coast. I am now officially 32 years old and feeling every minute of it (and then some). But I am taking it easy and having a delightful, responsibility-free week out here. The Oregon coast is beautiful, warm and the perfect place to vacation. It doesn’t hurt either that I don’t have to stress about what to make for supper or that the only bum I wipe is Silas’ and my own. Ahhh. Life is good.

A couple Jerusha conversations which transpired on the four hour trip:

Jerusha, at the gas station: Mommy, why don’t we get unlettuce anymore?
Mommy: Pardon me?
Jerusha: I said, why don’t we get unlettuce anymore?
Mommy: Jerusha, you need to explain to me what you mean when you say “unlettuce”.
Jerusha, exasperated: You know. Like when you used to say “regular unlettuce” and now you just say “regular”.
Mommy: Oh! Did you mean regular un-LEADED?

Jerusha, at the same gas station: Micah can you help me get my unbuckle done?
Micah: Your unbuckle? Do you mean "undo your buckle"?
Jerusha: That’s what I said; can you help me get my unbuckle done.

Mommy (moments later): Well Jerusha, we’ve filled the tank with unlettuce and we’ve gotten the unbuckle done; shall we go to the restroom and un-pee while we are at it?
Jerusha with a heavy sigh: Moommmmyyyyyy!

Micah did a great job with the entertainment aspect of the trip. His mission, should he choose to accept it, was to keep Silas from screaming in Mom’s ear and thus avoiding a car crash (accident or otherwise). He accepted this mission impossible and was for the most part successful. Silas absolutely hates being strapped into his car seat.

Savannah was not with us because she was at camp this past week, so she and our dear friend Aunty Mary, met us at Mom’s for a brief hello before my sister took Mary back to Medford. Shahala, my sister, had been at my parents for just about a week and we were able to get a picture of ALL eight grandkiddies together. I took 24 pictures and will still have to photoshop to get one where they all look great… Or at least are looking at the camera. I will post the picture as soon as I am home.

Silas is *finally* in size 18 months. Yeah! His PJs were squishing his toes and the onesie shirts were getting hard to snap up. Albert says he looks chunkier as well. All I can notice is that he is eating and pooping more. It seems like a never ending cycle four or five times a day I fill him upand ten to fifteen times a day he empties out. It is pure heaven knowing that he is growing and eating like any other normal little man. The other thing he is doing that is completely normal for my children? He has hit the terrible twos with a vengeance. You know, the whole scream, flop on the floor, kick, hit, bite tantrums that come with the territory. And then he is so darn cute that with a little salt and pepper I could just eat him up. He definitely prefers the word “no”, with the n drawn out, more than any other word and “da-doe” is his word for anything he doesn’t know the name of yet. He cuddles and gives perfect kisses (ie. with his mouth closed ;- > ) and he even winks with his face all scrunched up. It is such a privilege to be able to stare at him watching his chest rise and fall while he sleeps and remember that this was the baby that couldn’t breathe when he was born. This past year and a half has been a powerful journey for me. I gave birth to my fourth child (a wonderful surprise God bestowed). I watched that very same gift slip away to the next life and then be restored to my arms. I mourned with both new and old friends whose babies stayed in heaven to play with the angels. I rejoiced with friends whose children are now walking and talking after suffering so many traumas at and following birth. The grief is still raw but the joy is more poignant because of it. I have felt sadness and despair so deeply that I thought I’d turn inside out and I have been so ecstatic over things as simple as a poopie diaper. It has been a roller coaster ride that continues as I type. I look forward to the coming years in my life; they simply must be easier. I feel I have aged a decade this last year and a need a few years of *gentle* aging to catch up.

08-03-07 Dirty Little Man!

2007-08-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

What is up with little children’s fascination with toilets? I had nearly forgotten how vigilant one must remain with these tiny people. I mean, I can see the allure; the shiny (and hopefully freshly cleaned), white bowl; the melodic tinkle of miscellaneous items as they plop into the inviting pool of water; and the extreme reaction you get from Mom when she hears the tell-tale splash… The latest victim in Silas’ dunking spree was his Noah’s Ark music maker that he treats like a boom box. It is now drying out and awaits the final verdict of survival or dumpster… Never mind. The verdict is in. It just started an annoying buzz, buzz, buzz sound.

06-18-07 That's the way the cookie crumbles...

2007-07-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. Time keeps stomping out its endless march forward. It is a merciless, foe; ever present and ever vigilant. There is nothing anyone can do to slow its pace or to get it back. We cannot hold onto it to save it for later or pause it to remain in the moment a little while longer. Once it passes it is gone forever.

I’ve written this eloquent introduction instead of staring with, “AAAAAAHHHHHHGGGGGGG!” I thought it might be a little more grown up to ponder the mysteries of time rather than admit that I am feeling overwhelmed, overburdened and just plain exhausted with life right now. This thing with Landon dying from some sort of trauma is so mind numbingly horrific that I just can’t wrap my brain around it. Add to that the deaths of more precious children to congenital birth defects and a friends’ niece dying two days before delivery for absolutely *no* apparent reason and I want to scream, “NNNOOOOOOOO! That’s enough! Dear God, how long will the innocent suffer? How long will your judgment be withheld from this fallen world? How long until we feel the gentle, cool breeze of Heaven’s shore and all this pain and suffering will be a forgotten memory? I want, I need, I desire, I require Your salvation to take me through every moment of every day. Come now, Lord! Bring Your kingdom to reign. Your grace and mercy are all that separate me from the blazing fire that burns at my heels as I walk through life.”

I am sure that some of my bleak outlook is due in part to the fact that I am extremely sleep deprived right now. And the stress of taking care of four children and five residents without any real days off isn’t helping either. We are so far not able to find relief caregivers who are reliable… Check that… Who bother to show up! I am on the verge of tears at any given moment. It doesn’t take much to reduce me to a sniffling mess lately. Amidst the clouds of sadness there are however, some beaming rays of sunshine.

I am overjoyed to share that Silas is progressing and growing wonderfully. There is absolutely nothing to differentiate him from any other 15 month old. He has eight front teeth and two molars poking through his sore little gums. And even though he isn’t *running* around yet (although I'm sure he will catch you someday Nanette!) he has definitely left crawling behind… Well, unless of course, one of his siblings is playing a chasing game and his adrenaline rush flings him to the floor and he scampers past with a squeal! He has given up nursing completely (much to my chagrin and resignation) but he is eating and drinking everything like a big person so I am at peace about it. He is healthy and growing and extremely active. He has a very determined sense of what he wants and will try any number of tantrums or “suck-ups” to get it. I am sure he is a bit spoiled, but I am unsure to what extent I should go with the discipline. Take time-outs for example; is he screaming because he doesn’t like being in his play pen in time-out? Or is he feeling panicked that I’ve left him all alone just like in the NICU? After the few times we’ve done a time-out, he has been EXTREMELY clingy and won’t let go of me for a long time. I just don’t know.

Jerusha, now six, has been an angel whose halo hides her horns. She can be so loving, cute and adorable that I think I will burst with the sweetness of her personality. “Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bug-beds bite. Mommy, can the tooth fairy read? Do we have to write really small for her to read it?” And then her horns flash through and she tries to maul the dog to death, sneak an extra piece of cake for desert or dump a bottle of nail polish on the bedroom rug; “It was on accident, Mommy.” Yeah, well it was Savannah’s nail polish and you had to climb up the shelves to get your little hands on it when you know you’re not supposed to, Jerusha!

Then there’s Savannah (age nine) who asked on the last day of school if there were any way she could go to summer school. I have to literally ground her from her books just to get her outside to play. I also have to remind her that sitting under a tree reading does not constitute *PLAY*. Her vocabulary and creativity are astounding although they need to be reigned in at times. And one ongoing question is, “Mom, what were your favorite mystery books when you were a kid?” I am not sure how much longer I can avoid telling her that it was Agatha Christie who most captured my attention with the detailed, adult descriptions of murder, intrigue and passion. These are not books that I wish my nine year old to delve into just yet! The world definitely does *NOT* need another me running around in it, so let’s avoid the graphic, mind altering input into my child’s mind shall we?

Micah (age twelve) went to Washington, DC with his dad and the Young Marines this summer. They had an all together wonderful adventure. It was a Civil War trip and the group visited some awesome places and learned so much about the war that decided the fate of our great nation so many years ago. They saw Gettysburg, Fredericksburg, homes that still stand riddled with bullet holes and so many monuments to the brave soldiers who have lost their lives over the years in defense of our country.

It is massively huge! I had no idea.

They also bumped into an unexpected senator who reluctantly posed for a picture with a few of the YMs.

Once, when the YMs were in the airport, a young lieutenant had disembarked from his plane and came to say hi to their group. When he left, he removed a patch from his uniform and handed it to Micah. He said, “I have carried this patch the whole time I have been in Iraq fighting. I’m home now, and I don’t need it anymore.” Another soldier who ate lunch with the YMs gave my son one of his chevrons and told Micah that he would get another one because he was shipping off to Iraq shortly. Two men on either side of battle. Two men who’d leave their families and everything they knew and loved behind to fight for the protection of all they hold dear. Two men who go to defend my freedoms. I am amazed and in awe of these men and I say thank-you anytime I cross paths with uniformed military personnel. The patch and chevron mean so much to Micah that he carries them around in his wallet and tells everyone he can about the remarkable men who gave him their mementos of battles won and battles yet to come. He is a very sensitive kid and this experience has touched him to the core. I wonder what impact it will have on his future. Albert too enjoyed the experience immensely and came home with trinkets for everyone (much to the delight of the girls). He and Micah are already talking about next year’s program!

As for me, I am surviving. Each day brings new trials and I struggle to keep up with them. I feel I am swimming against the current with each wave washing over my head and making me gasp for breath. It is hard to keep the joys of life at the forefront of one’s mind when the trials loom so constant and so large. I guess “that’s the way the cookie crumbles”. I just wish there were more chocolate chips in my cookie lately… Maybe even an M&M or two, eh? Oh well, at least it is a cookie and not broccoli.

July 14, 2007 To hell in a handbasket.

2007-07-14T23:19:00.001-07:00

There is real evil in the world. Those that do not think so are blind. Don't get me wrong, there are wonderful, exciting, beautiful, *good* things as well... But there is also evil. I've heard today that one of the infants from Legacy Emanuel (where we stayed in the NICU with Silas for those excruciating 7 weeks) has died. He was not taken by a frailty of his own; on the contrary he survived a traumatic birth in the backseat of a car in a hospital's parking lot nearly three months prior to his due date. He overcame staggering obstacles to be discharged to his mother's care over three months later. I was privileged to babysit him when he was discharged and his mom needed to pack up her things at the Ronald McDonald House and didn't have anyone to help her. I got to hold him and cuddle him and feel my heart race with hope. And now he is gone. Landon was rushed to the hospital unconscious with "obvious head trauma" by EMT's after they were called to his home Friday morning. He died on Saturday from his injuries. His mother and her boyfriend are being questioned in his death.

His was an innocent, precious life that didn't just leave this earth, but was ripped from it. I have been confused and grief stricken, shocked and despairing over the many, many deaths of precious babies this past year, but with this death I am furious. I am so angry I cannot see through the red blaze of it. The one responsible for his death should be burned at the stake and condemned to roast in the fiery furnace of Hell for all eternity! At this point I would not mind at all if God asked me to be the one to deliver them to that place of eternal torment. Tonight I am nearly consumed by hatred. I want God to destroy them NOW! I don't remember ever feeling this intensely with such fury and rage. How could someone do this? How can anyone be so cruel? They are evil.

May 19, 2007 Tears, tears and more tears

2007-05-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

There are days when I think that I have run out of tears; that perhaps I have shed my allotment and there will be no more to shed. And then there are days like today.

Three more beautiful children have recently joined so many others before them and now sit at the feet of the Lord with angels as playmates. I am overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. How can the world continue on when so many have had their entire existence shaken to its core? I want to scream "STOP!! Don't you know what just happened?!" I am so very sad. Even when I am happy I always remember the ones who are no longer with us or who are embroiled in trauma while they fight for their lives. It just seems like it is too much to bear. I want to reach out to each of these families and hug them so tight that it would make all the sadness disappear and they would be able to hold their children as if death had never visited.

I guess I'm just feeling especially sad tonight. I've gone back through the pictures from so many families of their babies from in the womb to birth to machines and wires to death and it reminds me of how empty their arms are. Lord, help me to have the strength to love without bitterness. Give me faith with doubt. Help me to cherish without obsessing. And most of all, give me grace when I fail. Than-You for Your unending promises and for Your Son, Jesus, without whom I am nothing but dust.

~Tanaya~

May 13, 2007 Rainbow Memories

2007-05-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I wrote for Jolee Jean and her mom, Krista. Jolee's birthday is in a few days and her angel day is shortly after. I miss you JJ. You are thought of fondly in my home and every rainbow reminds my children and me that you are a precious spirit not too far away. I can't wait to meet you again in heaven.

Just another long day

On this great rock.

Life marches on;

Eternity won’t stop.

Every moment that you’re gone

Just sears me to the core

Even though I comprehend

An angel plays on heaven’s floor.

No gentle caress or

Snuggles while you sleep

Can mend my heart

Or console me as I weep.

Tender touches from your sweet hands,

Toes to count and tickle;

Rainbows, instead, are all I have

Ain’t life kind of fickle?

I miss my child, my gentle babe,

No one can replace her,

Because you’re gone, my soul is torn

Oh my precious daughter.

With my God’s abundant grace

My thoughts, I pray, will brighten.

Everyday is that much closer when

My memories will no longer frighten.

Our hearts and hands will be entwined,

Rainbows dancing all around;

I will hold you in my arms;

Earth will fade and heaven be found.

So smile, Jolee, your Mommy loves you.

April 23, 2007 Get your party hats!

2007-04-23T21:56:00.001-07:00

To one and all:

Silas’ birthday Party will be held at Living Water’s Church at 2pm on Saturday, April 28. Everyone is invited to help us celebrate the miracle God gave us when he allowed us time to get to know our son. The Little Bear has grand things in his future, the first of which is a birthday party! We would be delighted if you’d stop in and share some cake and punch with us. I ask that you please jot me a note letting me know if you’re coming so that I have an idea of how much cake I’ll need to pick-up. If you need directions, email me at tanayakyne@hotmail.com. Can’t wait to see you there!

Love,

~The Kynes~

April 13, 2007 Friends here and friends gone. . .

2007-04-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

I just talked on the phone to Shanda, baby Ryan’s mom (CDH with a patch whom we met when they toured the NICU while Silas was on ECMO), yesterday for almost an hour. The last time I had seen Ryan was right before he was to fly home to Alaska and he did not appear stable to me. He was at Legacy on a vent and very weak. (It turns out that he got very ill just shortly before leaving.) I was so worried for that little family. Shanda said that she went home to get a few hours of sleep and in the morning found out that Ryan had been de-satting (his oxygen level in his blood kept dropping) but they’d brought it back up each time. Since this was not uncommon for Ryan to do, she continued her morning with a shower, getting her daughter ready, etc. When she got to the Alaskan NICU she found out that what they called “de-satting” was actually coding and they had performed CPR on his little body multiple times. It infuriates me when people can’t or don’t communicate the truth. “Oh, your son has been de-satting.” It should have been “Your son’s vitals keep crashing.” ANYWAY. . . Enough of the soap box. He is now doing really well. He is about nine months old and has a G-tube but the little tike actually nurses! And he is also starting solids. The tube feedings are just supplemental.

Shanda told me she may be coming to Oregon for a visit and I was thrilled at the prospect of not only seeing her little miracle, but watching Silas and Ryan play. It never ceases to fill me with wonder when NICU survivors who have come so close to leaving this earth, sit and play with each other right in front of my eyes. It feels like I am witnessing a profound miracle all over again. Of course, the swell of wonderment is always mixed with sadness for the little ones who are now in the Father’s arms. The thrill and joy are not diminished, just inextricably connected to the sadness. I could never have imagined feeling such intense emotions over the “silliest” things. I see a rainbow and I think of God’s promise to never destroy the earth by flood again. . . And I remember Jolee.

I see a lion and I am amazed at God’s awesome imagination with His creation and long for the day when that lion will lie down with a lamb. . . And I remember Judah.

I see Easter things and I think of the life, death and resurrection of our Lord, Jesus, and the awesome gift of grace he offers us. . . And I remember Drew.

I see the number eleven and I think about the birth of my first child born Sept. 11, and how my life was so amazingly and marvelously changed that day. . . And I remember Mert.

I see a newborn blanket and my heart swells with wonderment for the new life that will be wrapped in its folds. . . And I think of Joseph wrapped in his family’s loving arms for oh so brief a moment.

It is a strange mix of joy and grief that mingles just under the surface at any given moment. I guess that is what life is all about; growing deeper in understanding of both the good and the bad and gaining a profound appreciation for the good in life because of having tasted the bad. Lord, let me not grow bitter but grow more faithful in my trust of You and Your Almighty will. Remind me that I do not see the whole picture as You do, and that I am a thread in the tapestry, not the weaver. Most of all, Jesus, take us home soon where there will never again be a tear shed in sadness and not one speck of pain will blacken my soul. Thy kingdom come, Father, on earth as it is in Heaven. Thy kingdom come quickly.

~Tanaya~

April 11, 2007 HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANETTE!

2007-04-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

I am so glad you are alive and that you are so vibrant. You are a fantastic little girl and I wait with baited breath to see what things you will accomplish in your life.
With much love and blessings being sent your way,
~Tanaya~

April 10, 2007 HAPPY BIRTHDAY SILAS!

2007-04-10T23:21:00.000-07:00

We are having a giant birthday party for any and all who would like to meet for the first time or just say hi to Silas. It will be April 28th at 2:00 pm. The location is still being worked out, but I wanted to give a heads up to everyone. I can't believe it has been a whole year.

April 10, 2007 Of white rabbits and Cheshire cats.

2007-04-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

Wow! Our life lately has resembled the white rabbit’s life in Alice in Wonderland where we run in circles crying, “No time! No time! I’m late! I’m late!” It is absolutely AMAZING how a little R & R can relax and refresh a soul. Our little three day vacation was a phenomenal success. After staying up ALL NIGHT to prepare and awakening the family before my own head ever hit the pillow, I slept most of the trip up. When we arrived in Portland, we met the Cookes at the Ronald McDonald house where the kiddos played and the adults chatted. We bumped into a friend from home whose little girl had just under gone major heart surgery and were able to offer some encouragement and understanding. (It seems that every time I go up there I know someone who has their baby in that hospital.) Then, while Nanette had her one year CDH checkup, we visited the blood bank at the hospital. I’m not sure if I mentioned it previously, but Silas had used up all the blood from two donors and was working on his third donor’s blood before we left the NICU. It was thrilling to be able to introduce him to some of the people who generally never get to see the recipients of their hard work. Many remembered his name and were so tickled to have us visit that they took us on a tour of the blood bank explaining what they did in the lab and even showing us how they run tests on the blood. We then met Nanette and crew to head up to the NICU for a visit and pictures. (By the way, Nanette is in remarkably good health and is developmentally just like any other one year old. . . Scratch that; she is above any normal one year old and beautiful to boot; imagine the hearts she’ll break with all those striking good looks and brains too!) It was truly incredible to be sitting outside the NICU with our children playing on the floor not even really concerned about germs.
We also spent a few minutes letting the children play in the children's garden where we looked for and found Jolee Jean's memorial brick.

Well, after trying to contain the children’s energy for so long, we went out to supper at the “Spaghetti Factory” where we bumped into Dr. Newman and her family. She was the doctor who discharged Silas and we had really appreciated her care for Nanette and our little bear in the NICU. Before the Cookes and Kynes went our separate ways, the kids got to play “freeze tag” with Albert as “IT” and they had a great time. Mind you, my husband was pretty sore the next day, but what are dads for, right?

We settled our weary family at a hotel near Salem and spent a leisurely day shopping the following day. Albert found a leather coat and I found a jacket at Burlington Coat Factory. The kids managed to each spend almost their entirety of their money as well. We picked up new bathing suits for all and found a new hotel that had a pool with a kiddy section and fountain, a hot tub and a sauna all for a reasonable price. This was Silas’ first time in such a giant bathtub! Everyone enjoyed getting wet.
The next day, we saw Becky briefly while we ate breakfast. She looks fabulous but is still missing Joshua tremendously. Please keep remembering to pray for her whenever she crosses your mind. The gaping hole in her soul is so empty without her son. She means so much to me and I wish there were something I could do to ease her pain, but I know there isn’t. I can only ask the Lord to fill that void with comfort and peace and soothe her broken heart. I remember the day we left the NICU and headed home while Joshua was still stuck there. Amidst the unbridled joy of leaving and taking my son home, I felt like I was abandoning Becky and Joshua and the other precious families I’d come to cherish in the NICU. It is still a hard place to remember.

Anyway, the following day, we took the kids to the Enchanted Forest (after stopping to buy slickers at Wal-Mart because it was RAINING! RRRRRrrrrrrr!) But it cleared up a little and we had a fantastically good time. With the park being mostly empty, we got our pick of the rides and the whole family enjoyed the relaxed, kid-friendly, hands-on theme park. Even Silas got to go on a ride!
Daddy and Silas in a magnificent display of "action and response" therapy (aka "Cuteness").

Silas may look like he contracted some rare disease but in actuality, he had been thoroughly enjoying a lollipop!
The whole vacation was exactly what the doctor ordered. It was a simply fabulous switch from our crazy, daily, “white rabbit” life to the point where I’ve been so cheerful since returning home that now I feel more like the Cheshire Cat with a “perma-grin”. :- ) Ahhh yes; God IS good. I sometimes lose sight of that when bad things happen in this fallen world. Forgive me Lord.

I will write soon about the impact this Easter holiday has had on me. It is just too raw at the moment. Thank-you all so much for caring and praying for us.

~Tanaya~

April 3, 2007 I should know better. . .

2007-04-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I *should* know better, but hey, I said I’d do it again and I have. I insanely took Jerusha into the Wal-Mart dressing room. (There should be some sort of drum roll or a dramatic theme song played at this point.) She is pulling on her shirt looking at her neck in the mirror. . .

Mommy: Jerusha, what are you doing?

Jerusha (matter-of-factly): I’m trying to see my breasts.

Mommy: Excuse me?!?

Jerusha lifting her shirt up to her neck exclaims: There they are!

Mommy, beginning to feel the color creep up my neck and into my face: Roosha! Shoosh!

Jerusha in a resigned but none-the-less loud voice: Boy, they sure are small boobies. I can tell you that for sure!

Mommy, trying to think if I packed any Duct tape in my purse this morning: Jerusha! Turn around, put your nose in the corner, and don’t open your lips!

Jerusha with a sigh: I never get to open my lips.

I think my children were designed to bring about humbleness in my character through thorough embarrassment. Sigh.

This is a quick rundown of life in the Kyne family for the next couple weeks:We are headed to Portland to visit Nanette (Silas’ NICU girlfriend- isn't she gorgeous!) and her family in Portland.

We will also see Becky, Joshua’s mommy, in Salem and hopefully a few other NICU friends as well. Albert and I are taking the kid’s to the enchanted forest on Sat before heading home. If you’ve never been, it is a wonderful, hands-on, little theme park. www.enchantedforest.com If you are ever in the vicinity with younger kids, this is a must stop.

Then, the following weekend, I will take three of the children (Savannah gets to stay with Aunty Kate and then Aunty Shahala so she can continue school) and we will spend a week with my parents at the coast. I am exhausted and *NEED* to get away for a while.

Here are a couple pictures of Silas getting his haircut; his baby curl is almost 7 inches long :-)Big brother Micah kept him occupied while I took pictures and my favorite hairdresser in the whole wide world cut his hair. Thank-you Carla!

These were the pictures that Rachel, Judah's mommy, took before we got his hair cut.

So that is what the plan is for the next little while. At least that is what the plan is, and we all know what God likes to do with our plans . . . Change them! So I should end by saying, God willing, that is our plan.

Love to all! ~Tanaya~

March 25, 2007 FURIOUS!

2007-03-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

This article came to my attention today. Due to a law enacted in Texas in 1999, a hospital can decide against family members wishes that a person’s life is no longer worth the effort and cost to keep them alive. I am absolutely livid. My blood pressure shot up so dramatically that I instantly got a headache and literally saw spots. I am posting this article (as well as a couple links) and asking everyone who reads it to join me in bombarding this hospital with phone calls, emails and/or letters condemning their action to supersede this mother’s decision. Is the Hippocratic Oath meaningless when they swear to “first do no harm”? Maybe it has been changed to “first do no harm; then, if you feel the life will cost too much to preserve, ignore the family’s wishes and actively let the patient die.” It is the *parents’* responsibility and duty to make these decisions, not a healthcare provider. Aren’t the doctor’s and nurses supposed to be here to give us the information for *us* to make an informed decision? When did they become so all-powerful that *they* can decide the fate of *our* children?

Texas Baby's Mother Fights for Son's Life After Doctors Give Up Hope

by Steven Ertelt
LifeNews.com Editor
March 19, 2007

Austin, TX (LifeNews.com) -- A 23 year old single mother in Texas is holding on to hope that she can find another medical facility who will take her disabled son for treatment after doctors at an Austin hospital gave up hope. The case is the latest in Texas to involve a futile care law that gives families just 10 days to find a facility that will care for their loved ones.

Catarina Gonzales' son Emilio is just 16 months old but he is plagued by Leigh's disease, an incurable disorder that causes the breakdown of the central nervous system.

The disease will inevitably take his life, but the youngster is still alive and his mother believes he's entitled to appropriate medical care and attention until then.

However, doctors at the Brackenridge Children's Hospital are planning to take Emilio off of life support and now Gonzales has just 10 days under state law to find a facility to care for her baby boy before the hospital makes the final decision.

"Some days he will hear you, some days he won't," she told KENS-TV about her son's condition. "He's not completely brain dead."

To help her case, Gonzales has turned to attorney Jerri Ward, who has been instrumental in helping families of patients such as Andrea Clark who have battled the futile care law.

"The fact of this matter is, even if this progressive disease will cause him eventually to die ... He's not dead yet. Dying is not being dead," Ward told the television station.

However, even with Ward's assistance, hospitals in Texas, Oklahoma, California and New York have all turned down taking Emilio as a patient.

Michael Regier, a Seton Hospital Network spokesman, defended the hospital's ethics board's decision to take Emilio off of life support.

"We have worked very hard with hospitals in Texas and hospitals out of state and New York, on the West Coast, not only to say, 'Would you take a transfer of Emilio with this kind of condition?' but also, 'Are there other things we haven't done?'" he told KENS.

Meanwhile, Melanie Childlers, one of Andrea Clark's sisters, has gotten involved with the Gonzales case and says she thinks an in-house group of physicians at Brackenridge, called the Pediatric Physicians Alliance of Central Texas, wants Emilio to die.

She says there is no definitive test for Leigh's disease, that the doctors diagnosed Emilio based on symptoms alone, and that the 10 day period to transfer Emilio expires Friday.

She also says doctors at the hospital decided to take him off of the thiamin treatment normally used in patients with the disease. They resumed it only when Ward insisted that they put him back on the treatment.

"These children can live, and often do live, to be about six or seven years of age," Childers said. "This child is sixteen months old and these physicians have decided not to give him a chance at the rest of his life, despite his family's wishes to the contrary."
Meanwhile, Catarina said about the struggle it's been to care for her son, "Right now, I'm struggling. I quit school for now, quit my job."

She's accepted that Emilio will eventually die and she will not have a normal life with her child the way most parents expect with their newborns.

"I'm not going to take him to the movies. I'm not going to be able to take him out to eat ... see him go to his first prom," Catarina said. "It's going to be hard for me and I don't want to see [anybody] else going through this."

You can express your views in this case by calling Brackenridge Children's Hospital in Austin at 512-324-8000.
Printed from: http://www.lifenews.com/bio2034.html

http://www.childrenshospital.com/GuidetoOurHospital/ContactInformation2.asp this is the website for the hospital

http://www.zimbio.com/pilot?SP=1&ID=&ZURL=%2Fportal%2FChildren's%2BHospital%2Ftrackers%2F4%3FSort%3Drank&URL=http%3A%2F%2Ffridanow.blogspot.com%2F2007%2F03%2Femilio-gets-extension-till-april-10.html This is an article about Emilio getting an extension.

http://www.northcountrygazette.org/articles/2007/031807SavingEmilio.html This is another article about Emilio written by June Maxam. It has a link to the actual “ethics report” which documents the hospital’s final decision to give Emilio’s mom 10 days to find a new hospital for her child at which time they will remove his vent support.

~Tanaya~

March 23, 2007 Through the eyes of a 5 yr old.

2007-03-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

This is just a quick note that I simply had to share. Jerusha has been quite offended that she doesn’t get mail, so after being informed that she had to write to others so that they would write her back she has dictated a couple letters to me. This one is to her Papa and Grammy unabridged:

Dear Grammy and Papa,

Could you teach me some singing and I hope I see you again. But when am I going to see you again? And I hope that we go on a walk again. And Grammy and Papa I love you. When are you coming back to see us at our house again? I miss you a lot and a lot. There is something very special for you in this envelope. It’s about singing and a lot like that. I hope we get to spend the night at your house again and I hope you spend the night at our house again . . . I mean I hope you spend the night at our house. And when are you going to come and see Silas, me, Savannah, Micah, Mommy, Daddy and the residents? I hope when you come back we’ll have a lot of fun. When are you even going to come back because I miss you soooo much. You mean a lot to me. When we come back I hope I see Joshua again because I miss him a lot and a lot. He means so much to me. I hope we can ride our bikes and bring our own bikes when we come because mine goes a lot faster than the little one at your house. I hope you will like this. I hope we get to climb our trees when we’re there ‘cause I like climbing them.

Wasps keep coming in our house and I’m glad because they eat other bugs.

[editor’s note: Jerusha was just informed of this fact after she freaked out at the wasp in our house. Then Micah said that they eat meat. . .Jerusha is now freaked out again because {GASP} “WE are meat! They will eat us!” No honey they only eat dead meat. “Then how do they eat bugs?”. . . Mom, please help me! I can’t keep going like this!!!!!. . .]

Micah keeps killing wasps in here which I don’t want him too because they eat insects but I don’t like them because they eat our meat on the table.

I love you Grammy and Papa and good-bye!

From Jerusha

To Grammy and Papa

[As dictated to Mommy by Jerusha Jeannie]

March 22, 2007 Concerning piranahs; and a thourough update from Jeannie.

2007-03-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

Praise! Praise! Praise the Lord! Silas is nursing properly! For the first time EVER, he has been nursing like a normal baby. I was on the verge of throwing in the “nursing pads” and admitting defeat when for no apparent reason Silas chose to nurse properly. This instantaneous turnaround happened two weeks ago. Now, to counter this miraculous nursing event, he chose to bite me. I say chose because it was a deliberate test of my fortitude.

The initial bite was a bit startling, but not terribly painful. I jumped, looked directly in his eyes, proclaimed, “No,” and tapped his bum. He stared at me for a moment, apparently deciding if it was worth the consequence, then hissed a malicious giggle from his lips. He proceeded to plunge at me like a snake striking at its prey. With lightning speed he latched on with his teeth and yanked back with all his might. . . You know, stars are pretty, but they really ought to stay in the sky and not fill every inch of your visible world. When I could breathe, I yelped in anguish, not so gently plopped him on the floor, exclaimed, “NO!” and turned my back on the little piranha. It wasn’t until I turned my back on him that he registered a proper reaction. After the water works were over, I plugged that razor-lined little mouth with a pacifier (soother for my Canadian relatives) and rocked him to sleep. The jury is still out on whether or not he will ever nurse again.

For those of you who’ve wondered how my parents are doing, I am going to post my Mom’s latest two letters from the coast. If you are on her email list, you’ve probably already received both. The first is her yearly correspondence in which she sums up all of the past year's happenings. As you can imagine, with the year we've had, it is a long one.

Dear Family and Friends,

Here I am three months late with my annual communications. I thought 2005 was the busiest year of my life with Trevor’s and Shahala’s weddings, but I was wrong. This one was. I’ll recap the highlights for you.

My Canadian family joined us for a lovely Christmas celebration to end 2005. We had our own pageant, with grandchildren and grownups participating. To end 2005 with a bang we invited friends for a New Year’s Eve dinner and dance in the Cowboy Church barn. There is nothing like a good old barn dance to end the year.

Chuck and I added a cruise to our annual Caribbean trip, venturing into the Panama Canal, visiting Aruba, Grand Cayman and Costa Rica. The cruise was boring and short visits to different countries disappointing, but in Costa Rica we enjoyed a white water raft trip and felt a desire to return some day to explore. Alas, Chuck contracted Beaver Fever and suffered repeatedly until a missionary friend found us a cure during our stay in Dominica Republic. We had to skip Haiti this year again, due to more unrest and violence.

A week after returning home I flew to Vancouver Island with Shahala to visit relatives. Two days later, Tanaya called saying she was seriously ill and her baby needed to be induced immediately, a few weeks early. We rushed home and, without unpacking, headed into the birthing room. On April 10, Tanaya’s fourth baby, Silas Charles Kyne, a whopping 10 pound 4 ounce preemie, got stuck in the birth canal. The doctor was unable to perform a C-section because Tanaya was on blood thinners and had toxemia. A bold and courageous nurse climbed on top of Tanaya and used all her strength to force Silas out by breaking his collar bone. We thought our troubles were over when the little (big) guy gave a weak squall, but after Albert cut his cord he stopped breathing. His lungs were compromised. An emergency team kept him alive while Medford’s bigger hospital sent over a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) team. Things looked grim for our baby, and by noon the next day it was obvious we were loosing him. He was flown to Portland—a five hour drive by car—in a medically equipped plane with equipment and a team so big his family couldn’t accompany him.

Tanaya’s friend, Ammie, watched the other three children, and Albert, Tanaya and I drove to Legacy Emmanuel Hospital. Kind people at Ronald McDonald House welcomed us with open arms and compassionate hearts as we dumped our meager belongings (Tanaya and Albert didn’t go home to pack. I had my unpacked trip bag) and rushed to Silas’ side. There were no improvements in his condition. He was dying.

The NICU doctor—one of an amazing team that work together to save critical baby’s lives—determined he should be put onto a heart/lung bypass machine, called an ECMO machine. I can hardly describe this complicated, amazing, scary, octopus-like machine. ECMO was designed to be a last ditch effort to buy baby’s failing organs extra time to work out their problems. Only larger infants, with a 30% or less chance to live, are eligible because of the dangers involved. Silas’ advantage was a strong heart.

It took a crew two hours to set up the ECMO machine, which required two fulltime attendants, and many more working around it. Tubes were surgically inserted into a vein in Silas’ neck to circulate his blood out and through an artificial lung for oxygenation and cleaning, and back in by the same vein. A high frequency ventilator kept his lungs from completely collapsing. Along with all the nurses, technicians and therapists involved in Silas’ care, he had a doctor for every major organ in his little body, and a team of overseeing doctors to put the various individual concerns together to make major decisions. He was given nutrients and drugs intravenously, his blood work taken several times a day, and his lungs x-rayed a minimum of once daily. At any given time we could count up to a dozen people around his bed. His veins, through which intravenous lines had to pass, were a stumbling block because they kept on collapsing making IV placement nearly impossible. This meant they had to use the same line for everything causing him to be highly susceptible to infections.

From the beginning the medical staff encouraged us to stay with our little guy and keep abreast of his situation by accessing his charts. They patiently answered myriad questions truthfully, without painting so grim a picture that we were totally overwhelmed (Tanaya and Albert did much better than I at not being overwhelmed. I cry far too easily). We made every effort to be with Silas round the clock for the next seven weeks sitting on two easy chairs positioned in the middle of the hubbub, or standing at his bed carefully touching him around his life-giving tubes and watching his monitors with bated breath. We learned to recognize all the different alarms, and we became good friends with many caregivers—some will be lifelong friends.

When Silas’ body finally started responding positively, more complications arose. Suddenly he had to deal with a yeast blood infection, ecoli pneumonia, drug addictions and many other issues. He struggled to breathe on his own, digest breast milk, overcome oral aversions and learn to suck.

After the first couple weeks Albert and I took turns coming home to take care of the other three children or staying with Silas and Tanaya in Portland. Tanaya diligently expressed milk and spent every possible minute with her baby. When Silas finally came home, the family stayed with us for another six weeks. During all this time Tanaya and I faithfully sent email updates to concerned people. They can be read at www.silaskyne.blogspot.com if you are interested in details and photos. Tanaya still updates the site regularly.

In the meantime Silas continued to improve and Albert and Tanaya’s adult foster care home sat on hold. They finally moved into a ranch house—Trevor and Caleb remodeled it beautifully—and accepted their first client. I loved popping in to give Silas his daily bath, and the kids helped me pick blackberries and walk my dog.

I came to know Tanaya’s children very well during this time. We were a team when their parents were in Portland. I noticed my impatience level had increased significantly over the years, so I found myself apologizing a lot. We nursed each other through a terrible, vomiting flu, head colds, a tick infestation, homesickness, and grief over the death of their beloved Great Dane, Juno. Fears for their sick baby brother loomed ever present. We prayed a lot. We enjoyed reading The Bronze Bow and Anne of Green Gables, swimming lessons, road trips to Portland, and a visit to the space/science center OMSI, which rivals Disneyland for fun. Papa read books and played cards after work and he got used to having Jerusha check on him when he was in his office. Micah and Savannah continued to home school at our house with Jo-Anne, a teacher/friend.

On June 8, Lisa and Caleb checked into the hospital for Lisa’s baby to be induced. To our horror Luke was a repeat performance of Silas. This time the same doctor successfully performed a C-section on Lisa. Luke Lawrence Bruce, a great big 8 pounds 13 ounces, (Lisa wears size one when she isn’t pregnant) spent a couple hours in the NICU before being reunited with his mommy to start his nursing career. It has been a hugely successful career and he is now in the 150th percentile on the growth charts dwarfing his little mother and nearly catching up with his big sister, Jasmine. Caleb was able to take time off work to help Lisa recuperate, and to help Jasmine, 20 months old, adjust to sharing her mommy. It has been a hard adjustment for her, but things are better now that she is talking. She is animated, full of hugs and fun. Joshua is delighted with his baby brother. He is a bright seven year old who home-schools with Lisa and hangs out with Caleb who takes him everywhere.

Before Caleb started back to work he took a road trip on his motorbike. On the freeway outside of Roseburg a valve stem blew off his tire and he crashed, causing another accident. He nearly missed being hit by a semi. He had to be ambulanced to a hospital. With his hand and arm seriously injured and extensive road rash, he spent several months recovering and missing work. He is pretty much healed now and continues with his own drywall business, which is doing well. Doctor bills in this family, as in Tanaya and Albert’s, are formidable.

Trevor now works for the Southmayd family, people from his church, {Tanaya adds: These are baby Judah’s grandparents that Trevor works for} installing granite counter tops. Kate works in their office as well. They love the work and the people they work with. Trevor also does house remodeling. They enjoy being Junior High Pastors at Living Waters Church, and being part of the worship team. They purchased a fixer-upper house, built in 1925, and all their spare time and money is spent working on it. We had a shindig to celebrate Trevor’s quarter century birthday in the Cowboy Church barn, and, of course, we had a dance. It was another opportunity for Trevor to recite The Cremation of Sam MaGee, a poem I made him memorize years ago for home school. It is Trevor’s trademark. Kate’s grandmother died days before Kate, Trevor and Kate’s parents flew to Chicago to attend Kate’s brother’s wedding just before Christmas.

Shahala had a rough pregnancy. She felt sick much of the time and suffered with dislocated joints. The baby’s positioning put pressure on her tail bone, which eventually broke. Her puppy ran her very long nylon rope along Shahala’s ankle burning her nearly to the bone. She needed crutches. She also experienced much false labor. The birthing process was a concern but she did an amazing job, impressing even the doctor (yep, the same doctor delivered them all! He’s a wonderful Christian man.) On July 18, Shahala and Peter’s baby, Zion Reign Kroll, seven pounds, five ounces, was born in just a few hours. Shahala’s bones are knitting and she feels healthier than she ever has. Zion has passed Silas up and is running a close second with Luke in the weight department. She smiles all the time and is working on her third chin. Peter and Shahala are convinced there has never been a more beautiful or talented baby. Zion has bonded with their puppy, Mia, and has already shown an interest in getting to know my friendly horses. Peter and Shahala are devoted parents. They entertain a lot. Peter is proving an astute businessman. He continues to buy properties and manage rentals. Pete now works as a worship leader at Westminster Presbyterian Church, and they love it there.

Chuck and I were excited to be able to host a thirtieth anniversary celebration for Larry and Linda Salle this summer. The Salle’s are Lisa’s parents and very good friends. Larry’s back surgery has left him in lots of pain, so he works in the office now. Linda’s cancer has returned and her kidneys have failed. She now does dialysis four times a day at home which should change to once overnight. She waits for the word to start chemo. Linda remains cheerful and encouraging. She trusts in Jesus and has peace. Remember them in your prayers.

My summer highlight was taking my older grandchildren to Kate for horsemanship lessons on her gentle mare, Taboo. They learned how to lead, groom, handle her feet, and saddle up. They walked, trotted and steered. They even gave her baths. We all loved the experience and many came to watch. When Kate told Jerusha—the boldest of the bold—to speak up when she felt fearful, Jerusha informed Kate, “I’m NEVER going to be scared on a horse!” (Kate, by the way, is gifted with children: patient, kind and encouraging.) Most lessons ended with an ice cream stop. We had a couple family picnics, and one time Papa and I took them for supper and a movie. Naturally, they received cowboy boots as birthday gifts from Grammy. J

At the end of July buyers put money down on Cascade Ranch. They refused to tell us if they wanted us to stay or not, so we spent several months living with the uncertainty. When it became apparent we weren’t welcome I started packing eighteen years of accumulation and saying goodbye to our magical life on the ranch. We felt no regrets about the time we spent in our little community of Lake Creek. I will sadly miss the Lake Creek Historical Society. I was a founding board member. I wrote their newsletter and worked on many Historical Society projects, including our annual Civil War Reenactment. The new owners made things very uncomfortable for us, so we had no regrets about leaving, either. Life is good and God is in control. (Everyone who lived on the ranch was evicted and, so far as we know, all have gone on to better circumstances.)

In September, I turned fifty years old. It was an emotional time because of our immanent move. To cheer myself up I had a dance in the Cowboy Church barn. Many friends came. It was our last party in that wonderful old barn that played such a happy role in our lives these past four years. Red Rock Cowboy Church remodeled the barn and held services there. The property that Chuck’s employer tried to give to the Cowboy Church was turned down by the county. When the church was evicted from the ranch they moved into a warehouse in Medford. Red Rock continues to thrive with an attendance of about three hundred people.

Knowing what to do with our horses has been my hardest issue to deal with. When the ranch sold we had so many, everything from old retired ranch horses, to our fancy Fjords. Chuck put down Fire Cracker; he was in his thirties. I gave away the ranch horses and my Arabs. We sold two young Fjords this summer and three more recently. Now we are trying to sell our breeding stock, a stallion and the two Fjord mares (Chuck’s team), a Fjord filly and three young crossbreds. Chuck said I could keep my favorites and he is keeping his Fjord gelding. In the meantime we struggle to know where to put them all. Our friend, Wes Householder, is keeping the herd temporarily on his 90 acres, bless his wonderful heart! He keeps me updated on their shenanigans. Other friends, Bill and Leslie Foust, are keeping a spring baby that wasn’t thriving. It is so sad to see them go. If you know of anyone interested in this wonderful breed give them our number.

Tanaya and Albert were evicted from the ranch along with everyone else. They bought an established foster care home in Ruch, a community in the Rogue Valley, a move made possible by Chuck’s employer who bought out their ranch lease. It is a large, eight bedroom house, with room for five clients—they have four. They have full time help, and Tanaya spends two hours a day driving the children to Christian school. Albert continues to work at Providence Hospital two days a week. They replaced their beloved Juno with a Great Dane puppy, Bandonah. She entertains both the children and the elderly. Silas loves her dearly. Between the children, the puppy, Tanaya’s good cooking and Albert’s thorough care, the elderly residents are delighted with the Kyne family’s move. The house is old, but sound. Trevor is doing some remodeling to make everyone more comfortable. Things have been hard for this family for a long time but they are settled now and doing well.

Savannah loves the whole school atmosphere. Her reading is at a high school level and she is in grade three. Her nose is always in a book. She models herself after storybook heroines and has a flowery vocabulary.

Micah is not a school kind of guy. He’d much prefer slaying dragons. But he is very good at math. He enjoys Young Marines immensely. He helped his Papa ship cattle this year and he wants to be a ranch manager.

Jerusha is an adventurer and a princess—“Princesses don’t do work!”—who lives to be outside. I would find her imprinting my dog after she watched me imprint my baby horses. Bandonah gives her fits because she nips when she’s tormented. Tanaya says this is why they get Great Danes; so they have a chance with Jerusha around. She was born with an infectious sense of humor that never ceases to amaze folks.

Silas continues to meet milestones, altered because of his rough start. He is tiny, weighing sixteen pounds at ten months, with little stick legs and arms and no extra chins, but his heart is strong, and his lungs function well. He’s extremely active, maybe making up for his enforced paralyzation. He still suffers from night terrors, but they are lessening. He is bright, very vocal, and he’s crawling now. I miss not seeing him daily. (Just a note—of the eight babies we know of who went on ECMO since Silas’ stint, only Silas and one other lived.)

Chuck struggled through his last months on the ranch. He had to sell cattle and finalize everything. He was told to do whatever the new people wanted to make the sale happen. He cleaned, repaired and hauled away forty years worth of refuse, and performed many other unpleasant jobs. He was told to fire his employees and evict all renters, including those that had leases. He behaved respectfully when he wasn’t treated so. He kept his word when others reneged on theirs. He was helpful to those who were hurtful. He refused to take offense when deliberately provoked. To the best of his ability he made sure that his employees and renters were treated fairly. (The former ranch owner acted with integrity and went out of his way to make the transition less hurtful to everyone.) Chuck worked every day for more than four months without a day off, and with very little time to pack and move our personal belongings. He was forced to work around indifferent construction workers who were tearing ranch buildings and the ranch house apart while we were in it. While moving our piano he ruptured discs in his back. Two weeks after we moved he slipped while repairing our shop roof and broke his arm. I thought I lost him for sure that night. The break is healing but he still has trouble with sore back and shoulders. I have never seen Chuck more worn down. But with our move has come peace and rest. That guy is my hero.

Chuck’s employer has given us a double wide modular home to live in south of Bandon on the Oregon Coast. It’s our Coast House. It is in a lovely location with lots of privacy and there is property nearby where we can pasture horses. Fencing is our next project. We are hoping we’ll like the coast and that Chuck will find rewarding and permanent work there. In the meantime he is enjoying some much needed rest. We are also established in the house his parent’s built above C2 Ranch in Lake Creek. We call it the Mountain House. We’ll stay there often to visit our kids and grandkids in the Rogue Valley. (There are eighteen of us around the dinning table now.) Chuck hopes to make some much needed repairs and do some remodeling on this house in his spare time. It feels a lot like camping to me, because of the wood heat, the ants, the raccoons and the deer.

Caleb and Lisa have decided to move to the coast with us. Caleb has worked in Bandon before and he has drywall work there now. They are renting a modular home next to ours, and are moving as I write. We are excited about having them so close. Chuck can’t wait to have Caleb as a golfing/fishing partner and I’m excited about getting to know the children better. Luke has been very sick this past month and the doctors say he now has asthma. We are hoping it is something he’ll grow out of. I’m thinking Joshua and I might raise chickens. J

Finnegan, my sweet German Shorthair dog, is ten years old and acting his age. He is pining away for his old home. His life was thrown into chaos when workers started tearing down our house while we were still in it. He can’t understand why we don’t go back. He cries nightly and is too depressed to go outside unless I’m with him. How to explain? I’m hoping he will adjust to life at the coast. I miss Barney-the-Barn-cat, too. My girlfriend informed me he is now Shoppy-the-Shop-cat at her house. We take him and the plants over this week.

2006 was the hardest year of our lives. We were swept away by circumstances beyond our control. I’m ashamed to say I spent a good part of the year weeping. But through it all I felt the presence of Jesus. When things go smoothly it is easy to think we are in control of our lives. Since I gave my heart to Jesus I’ve felt much more in control because I’ve used the Bible as my operating manual. But this year I found out how much I’m not in control. I’ve had to learn to live on promises. Belonging to Jesus isn’t a prescription for pain free living, but He did promise that in everything He would never leave me or forsake me. Through our trials this year I know without a shadow of a doubt that He was with me constantly. I learned to trust Him in new ways.

When Silas was at his worst I found myself wishing God would put me in his place and give my grandbaby my good health. I didn’t wish it because Silas didn’t have a better place to go. He was hurting and we didn’t know if he would have permanent brain damage or any of a number of things that might be wrong with him. It was for selfish reasons that I wanted him alive. I wanted to meet my grandbaby and get to know him. I wanted him to experience life, whatever that might be. God could so easily have taken him. We agonized with NICU friends—some Christians and some not—whose babies died, and I knew we weren’t any better than any of them. I know that God didn’t spare Silas just because I asked Him to, but rather because He has a very special plan for that little fellow’s life. Silas is here because God wants him here. God knows the plans He has for Silas, plans to prosper him. Life is not random. It is planned and I want to hang out with the guy that planned it.

The day I met the people interested in buying the ranch I was paralyzed with dread for our future. Then God gave me a vision. I was stepping out of a boat at night, just like Peter when he saw Jesus walking on the water. As Jesus reached out to me I felt that same paralyzing fear until I looked up and met his twinkling eyes. He seemed to say, “You can trust me or not, I’ll still love you. But if you do, I know you’ll have fun!”

I’ve reached fifty and the end of my life looms ever closer as the beginning recedes. What happens after I die is of great concern to me. My first question when I call my sister in Canada is, “Has anybody died recently?” I’m hearing about friends and acquaintances passing away and I want to know what happens to them. I’ve had glimpses of hell and I don’t want any part of it. It is scary enough when we get a little taste of it here. Jesus promises me eternal life when I trust in Him and that’s what I want; to live forever in a much better place where there will be no more sadness. For those of you who haven’t made a decision about your future, please consider the alternatives and check out what Jesus has to offer. It is never too late to give your life to Him. Just tell Him what you want to do. I can’t imagine living mine without Him. God bless you all.

WITH MUCH LOVE,

JEANNIE & CHUCK AND THE WHOLE BRUCE CLAN

This one is titled “Getting back on track! A Bruce update.”

Hello again! Chuck and I are in Bandon. We’ve come back after spending 2 ½ weeks in the Rogue Valley tending to business, taxes, etc. Life is finally slowing down for us and we are feeling like we are on vacation. We get up when we feel like it and watch lots of movies. We take walks—today we took one in the pouring rain with slickers on—and organize our stuff. I have zillions of letters to write and lots of fun projects when I finally get myself in gear.

In the meantime we’ve brought three of our horses over to the coast and set up hot wires to contain them. The deer continue to tear them down so we are always fixing them. It is so much fun watching them gorge on the lush grass. We take them treats and check on them every day. I wish I had the whole herd but I think there are just too many. I’ve sent two young ones to Bonanza to a friend for gentle breaking. One to keep and the other to sell. I’m anxious to hear how they are doing. The rest are still at Wes’, and the stallion and two mares with Brother Bill. Shahala’s baby horse is still with the Fousts. These people have blessed us beyond words by helping with our animals this winter. Now we look forward to new babies. I wonder what we are going to do with them.

I was so thrilled to finally have my sweet Flicker with me that I about hugged her to death. Now I suffer with poison oak. She must have wallowed in it. I want to rip my arms off. I was told by a local that we live on the ‘right’ side of the coastal dew line. That means no poison oak! “Thank you for all the rain, Lord!”

We tried a new church on Sunday, Pacific Community Church, just a couple miles up the road from us, and we loved it. I think we’ve found our new church family. The Pastor and his wife were so friendly and members of the congregation invited us to lunch with them after church. The teaching was biblical and the music lovely. It is small but lively. But very best of all, young children are welcomed with open, loving arms and are welcomed in the sanctuary. They have clip boards and crayons and coloring papers at the door. It has become important for us to participate in church not just with our children, but with our grandchildren as well. We don’t want to be separated from them—even it is only for an hour—when we wait weeks at a time to see them. Joshua sat next to me and Jasmine perched on my knee this Sunday {Tanaya adds: these are two of my brother Caleb and his wife Lisa’s children. Their third, Luke, was born shortly after Silas.}. It reminded me of when our children were little and Shahala made the rounds each Sunday from one delighted person’s lap to another. Trevor always sat next to Logan, an elderly gentleman whose wife was my grandmother’s best friend.

Our coastal house has some serious problems. The roof leaks. I have a closet that smells like mold because of moisture seeping from the ceiling. The cardboard walls (that is what we call them but they are really just paneling) have no strength and we came back to our bedroom closet shelf broken and heaps of clothing and boxes tumbled on the floor. Chuck repaired the shelf but it is raining too hard for him to repair the roof. This will be his second attempt. He already patched a leak over the kitchen stove. He replaced shingles that blew off in a storm.

Chuck still doesn’t know what he is going to do with himself for the long run but he is looking at some cranberry bogs next week to see if that kind of farming interests him. He is just a farmer/rancher at heart. He isn’t interested in working at the golf course. We shall see. The nice thing is that he doesn’t have to be in any hurry to decide what he’s going to do. I can see him feeling better, recovering from the previous year’s stress, and getting back his sense of humor. Physically, he still has trouble with a sore back and the arm he broke before Christmas still aches. He has a hard time sleeping. We try not to complain though, because he could be so much worse.

My little dog, Finnegan, is still giving us fits. He was ten this Christmas and he can’t seem to adjust to leaving the ranch. I bought him another coat so he can stay outside at night. We put one over top of another. (Can you believe a dog coat cost $28.00?!) I’d love to have him inside to stay warm at night but he whines and he’s torn up carpet and destroyed a gate and defaced a couple doors with his claws. He whines all the time—we think because he is going deaf and can’t hear himself. The only time he is truly happy is ranging ahead on a walk. The public beaches require leashes—which he hates—and, because he gets so far ahead of me the other day he missed a turn, caught our earlier scent and went of in a different direction. We lost him for almost an hour. He couldn’t hear me when I called. I was sick to my stomach. He finally met me at the car. I don’t know who was happier at our reunion, me or him.

Barney has settled in and, true to form, keeps us entertained with his antics. He loves Finny and insists on sleeping with him, eating with him, and walking with him/us. We are forced to lock him up when we take long walks from the house because he follows us there and back, which would be okay but there are some pretty fierce looking dogs along the way. When we were away he wormed his way into the affections of Lester, Caleb and Lisa’s giant kitty, and now he hangs out there quite often. He is a great big cat but he loves to play. He tries to entice Finny to romp and Joshua said he was watching one day and he leaped right over Lester just for fun. Lester didn’t know what happened. When Chuck and I go over to visit Joshua’s house both Finny and Barney wait for us on the porch. Amazingly enough, Barney doesn’t mind the rain. He always helps me get the mail. I have my slicker, Finny has his jacket and Barney just runs in the rain with a smile on his face. He makes me laugh.

My friends Karen and Christina spent a weekend with me when Chuck left for Lake Creek. Chuck and I have decided this is a perfect house for retreats so have agreed to vacate when one or the other has friends stay. Chuck is hoping that his two brothers will go surf fishing with him next week.

Chuck insisted on buying me a fishing license even when I promised to be there with him without actually fishing. He said, “I’m going to be riding horses with you so you have to do this with me.” We tried our hand at the business today. It was pretty much a disaster on my part. I felt so bad about the little wiggly creatures used for bate, sand shrimp I think they are. Talk about getting skewered. I ran back and forth trying to keep the line taunt and, sure enough, a sneaker wave got me. It filled my rubbers with water and dampened my spirits, as well as wetting my jeans to the crotch. Chuck brought me home and headed back out to fish some more so as not to waist his bait. He didn’t catch anything.

I happened to see the seed racks at the hardware store today so we’ve purchased some vegetable seeds. Our yard comes with a few raised beds that are begging to be planted. I’ve been calling Zion my little Sweet Pea since she was born so I have to plant sweet peas. I’m told that peas do well here. I also have a little green house (It is actually yellow and so ugly. I think it looks like a septic tank plopped on top of the ground.) Anyway, I’m excited about getting things growing in it as well. Already we have many fruit trees blooming and azaleas and hyacinth and others plants that I can’t name yet. I also have a chicken coop that is looking too deserted. Chuck says I can raise some chickens. I’m thinking my grandkids might help me.

Well, that’s about the latest news. I hope you are all doing well. Keep in touch

Love, Jeannie

March 11,2007 - The blues and the funnies.

2007-03-11T23:03:00.003-07:00

So, I’ve been a bit blue lately. Make that a purplish-back. The upcoming year anniversary of our trauma, along with the birthdays of so many precious babies who no longer grace this earth, has been heavy on my heart. I think about these children often and ache for their families. (If I am having trouble dealing with the sadness, I cannot even imagine the gut wrenching grief that these families are facing.) It is a strange mix of emotions in my heart; the incredible sorrow swirling amongst the pure amazement and gratitude for those that have survived. I’ve really been thinking about Joshua and his mommy, Becky, as well as the anniversary of Drew’s birth recently. I also just spent some time hanging out with Rachel (Judah’s mommy), while she took the most adorable pictures of the Little Bear. All of these thoughts have been a catalyst for a poem. I think I express my emotions so much more completely in poetry than in any other form of communication. I always feel as though I’ve cleaned an infected wound when I write a poem. Anyway, this is for Drew’s mommy, Jana, Judah’s mommy, Rachel, Joshua’s mommy, Becky and all the other women who’ve lost their sons before any mother should. (See links at right to visit Drew and

Judah

’s blogsites.)

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I’ll Sing You a Song

I waited so long to sing you a song
And to snuggle you close to my breast.
I yearned for your touch and your fingers to clutch
As I rested my hand on your chest.
I wanted to see whose eyes they would be
Staring out of your radiant face.
Whose nose, whose brow, whose sweet dimpled jowl,
With what relative could they be placed?
Then it was done. I gave birth to my son
And awaited the sound of your cry.
I strained to hear and trembled with fear,
Held my breath, and didn’t blink an eye.
Barely a sound round my eardrum wound
Before they whisked you away in a flash.
My heart stood still. My child was ill.
Everything happened so fast.
Through the terror and pain I heard them explain
What was to be my precious son’s fate.
They could not know the pain in my soul
As my heart did silently break.
The machines were stopped. The monitors dropped.
And at last I could hold you close.
There were no cheers, only bitter sweet tears
And I kissed your perfect nose.
Your spirit did soar and the grief, it tore
An unmendable wound in my soul.
Now my angel you’ll be, a sweet memory to me,
And while on earth I will never be whole.
But with the Lord’s grace, all is not waste
And one day I’ll stand by His side.
There also you’ll be, standing with me
And forever with Him we’ll abide.
For the Author of all, who formed one so small,
Promises in Heaven pure joy.
When the pain is all gone I’ll sing you a song,
My beautiful, beautiful, baby boy.

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On the lighter side, I have a Jerusha tale to tell: I was in the change room with Jerusha at Walmart (one of my most favorite places in the world!) trying on shirts. She exclaims innocently, “That one is beautiful, Mommy. Are you going to get it?”

Mommy: I don’t think so, Honey. It hangs funny.

Jerusha, in a loud voice: Yeah, your breasts look funny.

Mommy mumbles under her breath while trying on next shirt.

Jerusha, again using a voice you could hear in the back of a theater: How about that one, Mommy? Your breasts don’t look *too* funny now.

Mommy, in an *almost* controlled, very embarrassed whisper: Jerusha, do you want to wait at home with Daddy next time?!!!!!! SHHHOOSH! And turn around, put your nose in the corner, don’t open your lips and don’t look at me again!

On the way out, I wonder why people are looking at me. Are they checking to see if my child’s comments were founded or am I just paranoid? I decide I’ll simply never go back so I won’t have to think about it. Then again, its Walmart. . .Who am I kidding? I’ll be back.

And one more thing to tickle your funny bone is this "oops"picture that Rachel took of Silas. I call it "Yeah, well I was addicted to Morphine before I was a month old, so there!" I will post the beautiful ones she took soon. Until then. . .

February 27, 2007 Fun together.

2007-02-27T10:50:00.000-08:00

The Kyne family finally went on a vacation. . .The WHOLE family, Daddy included!!! We went to the Oregon coast and stayed with my parents. I cannot put into words what a pleasure it was to get away and be just a family without a care in the world. That is, aside from the phone call from our wonderful substitute caregiver saying, “The power is out on the fish tank and the living room carpet around it is soaked. What should I do?” This was my Mom’s 130 gallon fish tank with foot and a half long fish that we are babysitting for her so it was a very valid question. Following about thirty minutes of intense call/call back/call again scenarios, scrambling to get heaters setup and such, we got the situation resolved. Then on Monday, just as we were about to leave the coast for home, our caregiver called again to let us know she was sick with the flu. Again we scrambled the phone calls and were graciously bailed out by a friend who had worked with us in the past. So once again, we were a family without a care in the world. ;)

In all seriousness, it was a wonderful, relaxing, rejuvenating time. The kids built a sandcastle with Papa and the pictures didn't turn out (RRRRRRR!) except this one.

Jerusha Jean

Savannah Jourdan

Micah Samuel (The Engineer figuring out how to dam up the water)

Silas Charles and Daddy (Albert)

Even Mommy (Tanaya) got in a picture.

This looks like so much fun! I can't wait until Dad and Mom get their horses over to the coast so that we can ride on the beach.

Our renovations are coming along slowly but surely. We should be able to take a bath in our new spa tub in the next couple of days, but until then Silas still bathes in the kitchen sink. His hair is something to be reckoned with. Look how long it is!!! It looks like he stuck a finger in a socket.
My Little Bear looks soooo Italian in this one with all the curls. This is what the little guys from "The Grinch" looked like when they got their baths.

~ Silas just LOVES the water, can you tell?

February 4, 2007 A Picture says a thousand words.

2007-02-04T12:06:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to post a few pictures of the goings on the last couple months. This is the picture on Joshua's memorial card.And this is inside it:It says: Words From an Angel

I have not turned my back on you,

So there is no need to cry.

I’m watching you from Heaven,

Just beyond the morning sky.

I’ve seen you almost fall apart,

When you could barely stand.

I asked the Lord to comfort you,

And watched Him take your hand.

He told me you are in more pain,

Than I could ever be.

He wiped His eyes and swallowed hard,

Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch

Or see me by your side,

I’ve whispered that I love you,

While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me,

We’ll meet again one day.

Beyond the dark and stormy sky,

A rainbow lights our way.

In Loving Memory

Joshua Francois Foubert

January 28, 2006 – December 8, 2006

This is a picture of him soon after birth.This is when he was around 4 months old.This was taken when he was about 6 months old.This was a picture I took at Joshua's memorial of a beautiful poem. I thought it was particularly fitting for this boy.

It says: I am Free

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free.

I’m following the path God laid for me.

I took his hand when I heard Him Call,

I turned to Him and left it all.

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

I found that peace at close of day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss

Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life’s been full, I’ve savored much;

Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief –

Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your hearts and share with me

God wanted me now – He set me free.

This is that tiny, tiny Aunna (who now weighs more than Silas!) and her proud parents, Dustin and Amanda.

Trina and DJ with his oh-so -cute hat.

Silas at Cristmas. I do believe he enjoyed it.

Micah and Silas having a jolly old time at Christmas.

Our brand new, four month old, great dane puppy when we brought her home at the beginning of Nov. Pay particular attention to her mouth.

And one month later with Jerusha. . .

And shown here at 5 1/2 months with Silas. She still has plenty to grow! : )

She and Silas are great friends. They lounge around and share slobbery kisses (something we try to discourage!)

Just a few snapshots of life. . .The hard parts and the fun parts.

Love to all.

February 3, 2007 The present and the past.

2007-02-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

As a paranoid mother of a NICU survivor, I took Silas to the Pediatrician yesterday. Since this is our first big respiratory "thing" and he seemed to be gurgling in his chest, I didn't want to take any chances. It was so strange to see him sick, coughing, struggling to breathe and yet have his oxygen sats at 96% and to be told that his lungs sound clear; it is all in his head. It felt surreal. I can scarcely believe that he is just a normal little boy, no different than any of my other children. Thank-you, Lord, for your grace in our lives. And thank-you for bringing us through the most difficult time of our lives. And thank-you that 2006 is OVER! I don't think I can handle any more sadness or fear for awhile. Thank-you for knowing more than I and accomplishing Your will in my life no matter how I feel.

Back to Silas: his weight has dropped a bit since this sickness. He is down to 16lbs 11os. I'm not sure what this will mean in the grand scheme of things, but it greatly concerns my mom to hear of it. She always says, "He's so tiny," whenever she holds him.

He also has a hard time sleeping and nursing due to the head cold, so night times have been yet another adventure. You'd be surprised how well I can function on a couple hours sleep per night. I go about my daily chores with a smile on my face and asking, "What may I do for you now, my child?"------*N*OT*!* In fact, last night at 1:30am, I went back to our bedroom and in tears started listing all things that were overwhelming me to my bleary-eyed husband. He took the next shift and after 30 more minutes of fits, Silas finally fell asleep, exhausted. After my little outburst, I fell asleep on a chair in the living room and now my back aches something awful. All in all, our little bear is aptly named. . .He is the son of a mommy bear!

It seems petty to complain about these things after what we've been through and after reading about all the things other NICU families are still going through or [shudder] the alternative which other families have had to face. I swing from self-pity to guilt and back again. Maybe when I get a little more sleep I'll be able to think it through clearly, but right now I just feel awful no matter how I look at things.

I never did write about our trip to Portland for Silas' surgery. Every time I sat to write, I'd end up losing what I'd written or I was interrupted, and then I got the call from Becky about Joshua passing and I was too overcome with grief. Since I am back to writing again, I'll add some of what I was in the process of writing back then about our trip. I am doing this more for posterity and so that I can keep everything journaled for Silas when he is older more than anything else.

November 27, 2006:

The trip to Portland was long and tedious. Normally it should take five to five and a half hours to get from our house to Portland, but it took Silas and me eleven and a half hours. The rain was so intense that at one point, vehicle's on the freeway were at a stand still as traffic tried to maneuver through water which covered the tires on my van. However, Silas' surgery went well. Dr. Lashley said that it was a less complicated surgery than he had expected and it was completed without a hitch. Unfortunately, after the anesthesia wore off, Silas was pretty miserable for quite awhile. The doctor had anticipated a fairly quick recovery (one to two days), but Silas was on pain meds for about two weeks, the poor little guy. At any rate, he is doing well now and none the worse for the wear.

We were absolutely thrilled to get to visit with a bunch of our old NICU friends as well as some of the nurses and staff at Legacy Emanuel. It was a truly bizarre feeling to not know any patient in the NICU. It felt like I was forgetting someone, like I was missing a family member. I was grateful to learn that a little preemie girl from the NICU was finally discharged home early to her proud parents and six older brothers after a ten week stay. I teared up when I learned that another NICU babe, a preemie twin who has celebrated his first birthday, was readmitted upstairs to the pediatric intensive care unit for yet another surgery. He had celebrated his six month birthday in the NICU while we were there.

So many stories. So much pain. So much hope. So much sadness. So much love. It is a horrible, wonderful, terrifying place. A place where new little people are given a chance to say hello to their families and live their lives while others say farewell to those who love them most. The epitome of contradictions existing in a vortex unknown and unfelt by most who do something as natural as giving birth. And yet it has existed for longer than I've been alive. It is amazing to me that before I took my first breath as a babe, people have been in training to save the lives of infants. Meanwhile, families have throughout time faced the unimaginable horror of their new baby's possible death. I feel so naive. And yet I also feel so grateful to have had the privilege to get to know a handful of these wonderful families and their precious children.

Some families who've lost their children have expressed fear and anger that their children are being forgotten when others stop mentioning their child's name and try avoiding the subject. I must confess that I too am at a loss as to how to offer condolences and comfort without ripping open the wounds. It is difficult . . . No, it is impossible, I think, to do or say "the right thing". How do you tell someone that their loss still affects you when the anguish they themselves suffer cannot be comprehended? How do you tell a stranger or even a dear friend, that you remember their child often when their remembrance never ceases? How do you express your sorrow and regret at what could have been when their sorrow is so deep it penetrates every aspect of their lives? To offer my empathy seems to mock their pain. To say nothing seems to trivialize it. I guess all I can say is that I remember and will *always* remember the precious little ones who've touched my life and changed me in ways I still don't comprehend. Their lives mattered. They were and *ARE* important. And they have made ripples in life that, by the grace of God, will become waves of change that only time will reveal.

One child who still defis all the odds and faces the hardships of his life with a smile and good cheer, is Joshua. Never have I met a more laid back, happy baby as this little man. Between ER visits, hospital stays, and the daily ritual of painful vomiting every fifteen minutes or so from his severe acid reflux, I think I'd be ready to throw a temper tantrum or two! But this little trooper just smiles when its over as though to say, "Yeah, but I'm alive and my mommy loves me." Becky (mommy) is so exhausted. She is the sole care giver for Joshua. There is no one near who can (and is trained) to help with Joshua's care. All the agencies that help have said, "He isn't sick enough to warrant a nurse caring for him for a couple hours a week." One woman at an agency had the nerve to write a letter informing Becky that maybe she'd win the lottery and then she could afford to hire someone to provide care. The descriptive adjectives that come to my mind for that woman. . . ! In the meantime, Joshua is not taking any more pre-digested formula than when he left the NICU. His liver and spleen are so enlarged from the TPN (liquid nutrients given intravenously through his central line) that they bulge out from under his rib cage and, in all likelihood, he will need a liver transplant in the not too distant future. Joshua has not reached his $2,000,000.00 lifetime benefits yet (and yes we are all surprised!) but the co-pays for his innumerable doctor visits, ER visits and medications are so far beyond what anyone could afford that Becky has gotten on the Oregon Health Plan and they are covering some of the difference. Please keep this family in your prayers as they continue to struggle financially, physically and emotionally every day. They are both so precious to me and it rips my heart out that I am not able to be there to help them.I took Nanette (and her mom, JoAnn) with me to visit Becky and Joshua. It was amazing to see all three miracle babies sitting together on a couch in a living room. It truly felt like hallowed ground. The kids seemed to know that they shared a bond and we moms couldn't tear our eyes off of them. I just marveled that all three were sitting there together on the couch.DJ, a preemie born a little over a week before Silas weighing 3lbs 11oz (I think that's right Trina?!) came to visit us at the Ronald McDonald house as well. As you can see, He is no longer tiny. The boys had a fun time saying hello while Trina and I chatted.I was sad that we didn't get to see Aunna and her parents, Dustin and Amanda, but Trina says they are doing well.

*End of November 27, 2006 post*

Thanks to everyone who continues to pray for our little/big family. It is very much apreciated.

Love,
~Tanaya~

February 1,2007 Life. Death. Reality.

2007-01-31T21:52:00.000-08:00

Well, Silas *is* finally growing. I have proof. Not only is he out stretching his clothes, but the doctor's visit confirmed it. He is a whopping 17lbs 3oz. and is maintaining his growth curve at the sixth percentile. His length however, is exceeding his growth curve and he has now "inched" his way into the fiftieth percentile. Way to go Little Bear!

Now, about this whole crawling thing; I may have been excited and cheering him on when he first started, but he now goes everywhere! Under the table for scraps; to the dog's kennel for scraps; to the runner of the sliding glass door for scraps; you get the idea. I think I have officially made the transition from paranoid, germ-phobic mommy to "Oh Silas, don't eat that!" mommy. And now we pay the price. We all recently got colds that lasted a couple days but Silas can't seem to shake his. He can't eat without coughing/choking/gagging/vomiting, his eyes water constantly, he has a fever. And the stuff that comes out of his nose. . . ! Steven Spielburg could use it in his Sci-Fi movies. This has made for some very slapstick humor. Last night while feeding this squirming mucus producer, he took a spoonful of cottage cheese mixed with veggies and gravy, sloshed it in his mouth long enough to coat it and then proceeded to sneeze.

I had chunks fall from my hair for crying out loud! (And I don't think I need to add that I almost added to the chunks at my feet.) The older kids thought this was a great prank to pull on Mom and were glad that they themselves could not be blamed. Needless to say it has been a serious laundry week. If he doesn't start feeling better tomorrow, I'll take him in to make sure it is just a virus and not something wrong with his lungs again.

The kids and I took off this weekend to visit my parents at their new home on the Oregon coast. it was divine to get away for a few days and the kids had so much fun.

While on my mom's computer, I was scrolling through pictures from the NICU and Jerusha was looking over my shoulder. At one point she asked, "Mommy, who is that?"

Mommy: "That is Joshua when he was first born."
Jerusha: "Who is Joshua again?"
Mommy: "That is my friend Becky's baby." I find a more recent picture. "Do you remember him now?"
Jerusha: "Oh, yeah! He's so cute."
Micah: "Yeah, he is the one who died and Mom and I went to the memorial."
Jerusha (stunned): "*This* is the baby who died?"
Mommy: "Yes, remember when I was crying and I told you what had happened?"
Jerusha, bursting into tears: "But I didn't know it was *this* baby!"
Mommy: "Oh honey."
Jerusha, sobbing: "I loved this baby! Except for Silas, he was my favorite!"

I know Honey, I know. I know.

January 14, 2007 - Another day, another word.

2007-01-14T22:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it is time for another blog. The weather has been frightfully cold around our place and since only God knows where our winter jackets, hats, mitts and such are, we are trapped in the house. Everyone is getting bored out of their minds and on each other’s last nerves. Silas is miserable while teething. He has discovered that he can scream as well and graces our ears with the melodious sounds of which I wish only dogs could hear. He knows the word no and if he feels like being non-compliant after being told such a command, he yanks on hair, throws his pacifier, or whacks the spoon full of food (which ever object was being referred to with said “NO!”) Tomorrow he goes to see the pediatrician and we will hold our breath with excitement about his weight gain. We are now using size 3 diapers so I know that he must be growing. It is just so hard to tell when I see him all day everyday and it will be nice to have some confirmation.

Speaking of growing, our 5 year old, Jerusha, reached up to the cupboard and while on tipee toe got a glass from the shelf, a feat that when we moved in on Nov. 1 still required a stool. And the clothes I bought her the day after Thanksgiving? She looks like she is waiting for a flood. My goodness where did my baby grow?! (Pun intended) She is awfully lonely now that the older two have started school and I’ve been looking for some sort of . . . I don’t know. Maybe a playgroup or something for her to look forward to once or twice a week would be nice.

Savannah, nine, continues to amaze everyone around her with her amazing abilities. Her new teacher told us about a program they have to encourage reading. After so many books per month, the kids get a coupon for a personal pan pizza. Savannah received her coupon for this month after less than one week of school. She is absolutely enthralled with her new sewing machine as well and is well on her way to being a fabulous designer seamstress. Perhaps she’ll be famous before her tenth birthday. . . You never know!

Micah, twelve, is loving his new teacher who is excited about history and sports. Since these are of great interest to Micah this teacher’s excitement was to us, the biggest selling point for the school. Micah likes history so much, and the civil war era in particular. He actually gets to go on a five day civil war camp trip with the Young Marines this summer. They will go to Gettysburg and get to see all the places we studied about when we were homeschooling (thank-you Sonlight curriculum!). We have discovered that he is also quite the salesman. He is in second place for selling the most entertainment/coupon books in the unit to raise money for the Young Marines.

Albert is still working endless hours, but it is getting better with the help we’ve hired. Taking care of the Adult Foster Home is extremely time consuming and we don’t have time to do much else. We need one more person to work one day a week and then we should be okay.

We are remodeling the three bedrooms in the addition part of the house (fixing drywall issues, texture to hide the unevenness of the walls, paint, new floor, and new fixtures) and it has been crazy around here. My brother starts a major remodel on the master bath in a couple weeks and I can’t wait to crawl into the new spa tub with Silas. His tub so far has been the sink and it requires a meticulous scouring beforehand to get it ready for him and then a thorough sopping up afterward. He likes to take a bath so much that when I try to lift him out of the sink he throws a fit . . . even after I’ve drained the water!

My parents are doing better without the stress from selling the ranch and the demands of the new owners. They took off to go visit my mom’s brother in Yuma where a bunch of family is meeting up for a little reunion. I hope it is a refreshing time of peace and relaxation for them. To those of you who said we should write a book about our experience in the NICU, I’ll let you know that my mom has started compiling all our updates for a book. She will do a fabulous job as she has had years of experience turning people’s oral histories into written stories with the historical society. (If anyone is interested, ask me to show you “Turning the pages of Time” a two volume history book my mom helped compile from our hometown of Nampa, Alberta. It is beautiful.)

Dad’s arm is healing nicely and didn’t need surgery (praise the Lord). I don’t think he’ll be crawling onto any more roofs soon although I did offer to get him some Aflac coverage just in case. They are all moved into their house at the coast and have procured a house for my brother, Caleb, and his family as well. It is going to be lonely here without all of them. I am missing them already.

Anyway, I am going to sign off with an interesting conversation I had with one of my children (I’ll let you figure out which one).

Child: “Mom, I just love the erection.”

Mom (trying to choke back shock and horror): “The erection?”

Child: “It was the most beautiful gift God could have given us.”

Mom (wondering who she was going to kill for corrupting her child): “Really?”

Child (wistfully): “Yeah. Don’t you think so?”

Mom (about to be sick): “Well, I am not sure what you mean.”

Child (a bit exasperated): “You know; when Jesus was killed and put in the tomb and then on the third day he was erected and went to heaven where He’s building us a mansion? That was the erection and I just love God’s gift to us.”

. . . The people who invented the English language should have talked to a child before deciding which words meant what! RES-erection, Honey, you’ve got to have the RES in front of it!

~Tanaya~

January 8, 2007 - Sad news.

2007-01-09T23:42:00.000-08:00

It has been a long weary road and I have not been able to post an update for quite some time. Let me start by saying that Silas is doing well. He has completely recovered from his surgery in Portland and now that he is on medication for acid reflux, he is eating and sleeping better. We were able to visit with a few of our NICU friends while we were there. DJ, a preemie born 10 days before Silas and weighing less than four pounds, is now much bigger than Silas who was born 10 pounds 4 ounces. Nanette, Silas ladybug roommate, is stunningly beautiful and energetic. Her mom, JoAnn and I were able to have a normal conversation (i.e. without the constant nagging thought of “is your or my baby going to have to face another terrible trauma today?”) when we drove an hour to Salem to visit Becky and Joshua.

This is where it gets difficult for me to write. While our visit with Becky and her smiling cherub was lovely, and seeing the three beloved babies sitting together on Becky’s couch wrung tears of joy from my eyes, Joshua was not doing well.

On December 8, 2006, Joshua succumbed to a multitude of complications and passed away in his mommy’s arms. It has been incredibly difficult, to say the least, to write about this heartrending event. On Dec. 23, Silas, Micah and I attended Joshua’s memorial service. My eyes burned with tears through the whole ceremony as did every other set of eyes present. One row was taken up with NICU survivors DJ and his mom Trina, Aunna and her parents, Dustin and Amanda, and Silas with my and Micah. There were also many nurses from Emanuel NICU who had cared for all our children as well as a home health nurse who’d gotten to know Joshua after he had gone home. There was also another mom who’d been in the NICU with Becky after we’d gone home and subsequently lost her little girl. And yet another mom who’s son (one of a set of twins) had been in the NICU for over nine months and was currently in the Pediatric Intensive care after yet another surgery. There were so many more people who’d been touched by Becky and Joshua and changed forever by the jovial smile of a kid who thought life was a joy even through all his trials and by the genuinely compassionate spirit of his mother. I also know of so many others who wished to be there but were not able to and who were lifting Becky up in prayer. That little family has been a truly amazing inspiration to so many.

Anyway, that is pretty much all I can write about this at this time. It is so emotionally exhausting to go over the details in my mind; I can’t even imagine what it must be like when the details are about your own child. I look at Silas and I think, why me? Why did my child survive? I certainly didn’t do anything so wonderful as to deserve to raise him. In fact, it is probably just the opposite. I get annoyed when he wakes in the middle of the night screaming and won’t go back to sleep, or when he throws a fit and knocks the spoon out of my hand splattering everything and everyone within a three foot radius with cooked cereal and yogurt. How can I be upset when I know that every breath he takes is an amazing miracle? And now Becky is added to the ever lengthening list of mothers who would give their right arm just for a few more moments with their precious child. Rachel, Krista, Becky; I am humbled and in awe of the strength of these women to endure through the aching hole in their hearts. And this list does not include all the amazing women I’ve met on the internet whose children no longer grace this earth. Each of you is the mother I want to strive to be. Thank you for sharing your lives with me and so many others. You’ve inspired me with your love for your children. Thank-you.

Love

~Tanaya~

December 15, 2006 - Freefalling. . .Not so fun.

2006-12-16T00:03:00.000-08:00

Jeannie, my mom, writes:

Hi Folks,

Just wanted you all to know that we are moved onto the mountain in Chuck’s mom’s little house where we are going to have Christmas with our kids and with my visiting family from Canada before moving over to Bandon-By-The-Sea. My sister is staying with us for the holiday season and her husband and son are driving down in a week. My brother Les and his wife are coming just before Christmas too, I hope.

Chuck was still under the gun at Cascade Ranch with more demands on his time and insults to his person, but the former ranch owner finally stepped in and released him from anymore responsibility or obligation to the new owners. I can’t tell you what a relief that is. We actually laughed together with pure joy for the first time since I can remember. I couldn’t have imagined myself every saying this about our wonderful home of seventeen years, but I don’t care to ever see that place again.

I now have a further request from all my praying friends. Tonight Chuck was up fixing a leak on our shop roof because our stored furniture was getting wet, when he slid off the peak of the roof, crashed onto the sharp edges of the metal ladder and plunged to the ground (ten feet from the edge of the roof). I was working in the garage trying to make a path through boxes and heard the crash and the moans that followed. He was conscious. When I tried to call an ambulance he forbade me-Caleb’s recent ambulance bill flashing through his memory-so after assuring that he could move all his limbs, my sister and I got him up and into the house where we assessed his wounds—two gashes to the bone on his arm/elbow. Amazingly enough, the disc in his back hadn’t ruptured again. Chuck’s sister flew over here (she must have flown from her house because of the record fast time she got here) and helped me load Chuck into the car to take him to emergency.

Chuck’s elbow needed not only stitches but a cast as well. It is broken with what is called an ‘open bone,’ meaning the break was exposed to the air. The doctor was concerned because it is so close to the joint and very susceptible to infection. We shall see if Chuck follows through on his visit to the specialist tomorrow.

Tanaya, Micah and Silas met us at the emergency to give us moral support. The doctor who worked on Chuck is the same one that tended to Shahala, Zion and me when we were rear ended the other day. He is also the same fellow who helped save Silas’ life when he was born. He works with Albert and he was delighted to finally be able to meet Silas in person again. Caleb and Trevor came to the hospital to see their dad and, as we were leaving the building, Trevor’s father-in-law arrived to show his support as well.

I’m now home and have Chuck tucked into bed. The pain pills are wearing off and his muscles are starting to seize up, especially in his back. Please pray for him. I really don’t understand why God has us going through such hard times right now, but I am so grateful that my husband is still here with me. It is a very high roof and he could just as easily have landed on his head or broken his neck. I am soooooooooo thankful!

God bless you all,

Jeannie

PS I’m trying to start a fire in our wood stove and I’m ashamed to say that I’m not doing very well. So much for being a self sufficient farm girl!

Nov. 17, 2006 A long road to travel.

2006-11-19T18:47:00.000-08:00

From Jeannie:

October 30, 2006 – tomorrow the sale of Cascade Ranch is final.

I just tried to nap because I only had four hours sleep last night. (My life is a sleepless, foggy blur lately. My busy brain doesn’t want to settle down. I end up spending two to three hours a night struggling to fall back to sleep.) As I was reading my Bible, which I always do before I go to sleep and upon waking, God gave me this amazing word for our situation, and I had to jump up and share it with you.

“But recall the former days when, after you were enlightened [become a new Christian], you endured a hard struggle with sufferings, sometimes being publicly exposed to reproach and affliction, and sometimes being partners with those so treated. For you had compassion on those in prison, and you joyfully accepted the plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one. Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.”

(A note about my devotions: Since our little grandson, Silas was born I have read the Bible through entirely starting at Genesis, not skipping Leviticus and Numbers, through Revelation and starting in Genesis again. Affliction is definitely a prescription for enhancing spiritual life.)

This is by far the most difficult time of Chuck’s and my lives. We are continually asked, “What are you going to do?” and “Where are you going to go?” It is all we can do to keep on smiling as we say, “We really don’t know.” One of my pastors wrote that we were in good company. Abraham went forth in faith not knowing where. This is one of the reasons we haven’t been attending church. It was becoming too painful to talk to everyone and to sit through a service without shedding tears. Now, however, God has given me a peace about our situation. I still cry with sadness but I’m not fearful anymore. Like Abraham, we are being led by the God of the universe, and if God be for us, who can be against us?

Well, you ask, where are you going to go Jeannie? And again I say, “We still don’t know.” I think last night we did come to a decision, though, that we would try to live at the coast no matter what. This has been a tough one for us to wrap our brains around, probably because we have been so spoiled for the past eighteen years, living in a palace and managing this extraordinary ranch. We have been house hunting in the Coquille, Coos Bay, North Bend area, and finding a small acreage that has a nice house on it, and enough room for some of our horses to run, is hugely expensive. Are we ready to start mortgage payments again at our age? And what is Chuck going to do for work? Those are the big questions. Chuck’s boss hasn’t told him what he wants him to do over there. I feel that whatever it is it will be better than staying here and trying to start our own business, which is what Chuck chose as our other option. We aren’t ruling it out if the coast doesn’t work. Now you know all of our thoughts on the subject.

So we don’t know where we’re going or what we are doing but we have smiles on our faces and we are praising the Lord.

November 17, 2006

Well, let me give you a glimpse into our recent activities since the ranch sale has become final. Not to anyone’s surprise, the new owners of the ranch insisted we be out the end of November. They had asked Chuck if it was okay if they worked on our house while we were still in it and he asked them to please wait. On November 1 they walked through the house four times with various people. The roofers and carpenters started ripping off damaged siding boards and cedar shingles. I watched them take a chain saw to the beautiful wisteria—trunks as thick at my arm—growing around the sunroom windows. That day there were about twenty workers. It’s been averaging about fifteen unless the weather is lovely. They start at 7 a.m. making the hope of me catching up on any missed sleep impossible.

I’ve made friends with the workers. Although I don’t have the heart to visit and joke with them like Chuck does, each day I take out a plate of homemade cookies and wind my way around mountains of debris, underneath plastic tarps draping the whole house, around a dumpster the size of a Mac truck making foot deep ruts in the lawn, a portable pot, piles of lumber and shingles, lift machines, our buggies and wagon and an average of twelve vehicles at any given time. The pounding is incessant and I never know at which window some worker may be seeing me through. Yesterday it was my bedroom window and bathroom skylight. There have been three days so far where every one of my doors has been blocked with plastic and we’ve had to open the garage door to get out. That was after Chuck cut a hole in the plastic draping the garage door. Finny never knows where his bed is going to be from one day to the next. The UPS truck drove out of the yard with my package because they were convinced nobody could possibly be living here. The absolute clincher for my insanity came the other night when we didn’t have any water. The plumbers who are putting in a new water system shut our water off and forgot to turn it back on. (Chuck continues to monitor the present water system daily.)

I’ve been thinking I might be going crazy. I have been doing nothing but packing, packing, packing for two months only leaving the house a couple times. I’ve been terribly depressed, crying frequently and waiting for Chuck to get home so we can curl up together and comfort each other. Now we have less than two weeks left. I’m still packing but I can see a finish line. There are no pictures on the walls and I’m tackling my pantry and our camping gear. Chuck has spent every day working on closing down the business and shipping cattle—very little on packing or moving. The pressure from the new ranch owners to be out is overwhelming but they continue to hound him, through the selling agent, about things they want him to do for them. They only want 250 of the cows so the rest are going on trucks this week to a sale in Cottonwood. He is missing 40 to 50 yearlings that he is hoping will turn up when all the animals are gathered and separated. The new people are also buying the calves which are considered natural beef and are worth more than a regular animal at the big feeder sales. They are getting a great deal because the cattle price is very low right now. It is heartbreaking for Chuck to see them go so cheap but that is the way it is.

The new owners show up frequently to walk through the house. When I know in advance, which has only been three times, I’ve made some goodies and have them sitting on the cupboard to show them hospitality. They refuse any kind of a relationship with me. It is unnerving to say the least. Now I’m so sensitive that when the builder, Marv, came to ask me if he could take them around when Chuck wasn’t here I burst into tears. I was so embarrassed. I know Marv, who is a kindly fellow, felt very bad for me. It is obvious that our situation and all the struggles we are having trying to conduct our lives in the middle of the building chaos is very difficult. Today, Saturday, he brought his wife to meet us and they gave us a huge basket of goodies from Harry and David’s. I started to cry again, at this loving act of friendship.

Someday I know I’ll be over all the emotion attached to our move and able to put everything into perspective. But for now I’m a mess. I’m desperately trying to find places for my horses—I was able to give one of my Arabs to a girl from Church. My dear friend Barney-the-cat who can’t go with us, is probably going to have to be put down as well as my other Arab who has cancer tumors along his jaw. We already put old Fire Cracker down and I’m still looking for a home for Marcy, our homely Standardbred mare. She can drive a buggy, rides and carries a pack, and I’m sure she would be valuable to someone at a different time of year but right now she is a burden. I’m also finding homes for my fish tanks. Tanaya will take the 130 gallon one if I can figure out how to get my foot long tropical fish over there without them dying. I don’t know about the smaller tank yet. The pond fish are on their own unless somebody reading this wants to come and catch them.

About a week ago Chuck’s boss, Mike, the previous ranch owner, called to tell Chuck that he wants to keep giving him a pay check, but he wants to give Chuck some time off. We won’t get our health care paid for anymore or any myriad perks we’ve been used to, but we are so grateful for the time he’s giving us to breath. There is a smile on Chuck’s face again. Mike is also giving us a modular home near Bandon to stay in and see if we like living at the coast. It is small but comfortable and it has a big, private, landscaped yard and two big shops. It had dark wood paneling throughout but Mike is having it painted white for us. He is also replacing the blue, brown, beige, red and green carpets with a single color—cream. I’m so grateful for the bright surroundings. The coast is a rather dreary place this time of year anyway without living in a cave. It also has a chicken pen and Chuck says I can raise some birds. J Mike has another piece of property down the road that we can use to keep some of our horses on. We need to fence part of it and figure out some kind of shelter for them. My friend, Trudy, says that horse’s skin will actually rot in the rain if they can’t get dry.

We will be camping in the house that Tanaya rented from us through Christmas. It needs some work and we would like to make it bigger. Chuck thinks he’ll spend some time working on it this winter. He has some lumber and now he has some time, too. It is wonderful to think that we have a place here in Lake Creek still. We’ll come home often to see our children and grandchildren and visit our churches. Things are falling into place for us and giving us peace.

We found out yesterday that the new people are keeping the suburban. It is listed as going with the ranch. We are now looking for a suburban. God provided two thousand dollars to help us put down on another vehicle by allowing my car to be rear ended a couple months ago in town. I had Shahala and Zion with me and we all went to the hospital to get checked out from the whiplash. The insurance company totaled my car when I sent them an estimate for fixing it. It is still drivable and it doesn’t look too bad so I’ll drive it with a smile. My back is sore from the accident and I’m going to the doctor again next week. I’m sure that hauling boxes around all day doesn’t help. I also have tennis elbow and I’m having a hard time lifting my arm or carrying things. I’m sure these are typical consequences from packing.

I’ve had someone looking at our baby Fjords. However she can’t buy them until she sells a horse herself. They are well advertised and hopefully somebody will buy something—we are selling buggies too—to help pay for another vehicle.

I’ve watched my husband work through this sale, doing everything in his power to make the transition a good one for the new owners. He has maintained his composure and repaid unrelenting unkindness with generosity and good will with each and every new obstacle. He has had to let all of his men go and watch one of them being treated dishonorably. He has gone the extra miles to make things right by them. He has worked tirelessly cleaning junk and garbage off of the ranch from thirty plus years ago. He has worked to made things right with various tenants in Lake Creek and sent each of them off with a hand shake and no hard feelings, and he continues to bless the new owners by helping at every opportunity. All the businesses at which he had accounts have expressed their dismay at his departure and wished him well. He is a godly man. His integrity radiates from him. I’m humbled by his strength and fortitude. I’ve been a mess through this whole thing, spending entire days not leaving the house, packing and crying. Chuck is my encourager, my rock. He takes time to pray with me even in the wee hours of the night. We’ve drawn closer together than we’ve ever been and I’m so in awe and in love with my man. It is a good thing he still leaves his dirty dishes lying around so I can keep him in perspective.

We can see an end to our nightmare and we are getting through it. The little glimpses I’m getting of our future are pleasant and I have moments when I’m filled with peace. If I could just focus on those moments and let the rest fall away I’d be perfectly happy. We have so much to be thankful for. I’m glad Thanksgiving Day reminds us to take stock of our blessings. We have so many. J

The most amazing gift is the renewed life of our grandson, Silas. His health continues to improve. He has been to Portland for his surgery and is recovering nicely. Tanaya took him for another evaluation yesterday and she described his night terrors to the experts. He cries inconsolably for hours and the only way he will finally settle down to sleep is by sitting up next to somebody’s chest. The experts think that he may be suffering from severe acid reflux so he’s seeing his pediatrician today. Wouldn’t it be wonderful is there were a simple explanation and a cure?

The Kyne family has moved to their place in Ruch and they are awaiting the paper work to announce their loan has come through and the house purchase is final. They love the place and are getting used to the residents. They’ve had us for supper and we finally got to see it all. It is a beautiful, older home with five original bedrooms and three added on. It has two fireplaces and huge trees in a big yard. Since they moved Tanaya has been great about coming over on her days off so I can get my kid fix. They also drove to Roseburg and picked up the newest member of their family yesterday. She is a four month old black Dane and she is beautiful, quiet and very sweet. They call her Bandona (pronounced with a long 0), meaning “Praise God” in a Hindu language. It is from my list of interesting names I like to collect. All the residents love the puppy except L____, a lovely ninety year old lady with Alzheimer’s, who says, “Shoo! Shoo!”

Tanaya and Albert are now talking about sending their children to a Christian school in Jacksonville. I’m so excited for the children. They need kid contact along with their older people contact.

The rest of our children are doing well. Kate and Trevor, Pete and Shahala are busy every night of the week doing ministry things and socializing. (Trevor even has pipe smoking parties with his buddies. Chuck has yet to attend one of those.) Babies Luke and Zion are growing several new chins under their original ones. Luke is in the 150 percentile on the growth charts. Jasmine talks a mile a minute saying we don’t know what. Joshua is in grade one at his little desk in the kitchen. He loves learning.

Zion and I had a half hour conversation a couple nights ago. She has the most beautiful smile, and as long as I don’t talk too loudly she responds positively. If my voice gets all excited and gushy, even over the phone, her bottom lip quivers, her chin wrinkles and she dissolves in a puddle. Boy, wouldn’t she have a hard time at Tanaya’s house? She was nursing the other night with a blanket over her head when Mia, the Kroll’s not so little puppy, smashed her wet nose on Zion’s bare leg and then gave the leg a sloppy lick. Zion’s leg recoiled a bit, but she didn’t pause or rip the blanket off to see what was going on. I found that scene very cute. I think the nose/lick thing happens a lot and I think Zion is going to be an animal lover.

On a sad note we have recently learned that Linda Salle’s cancer is back. She is our daughter-in-law, Lisa’s mother and a wonderful friend. She will go on dialysis immediately for kidney failure and start chemo right away. This will mark the end of a normal life for Linda. She insists on praising God through it all and she had words of encouragement for me about her situation. It sure puts our troubles into perspective. Her girls are very distraught. Lachreacia, who lives in Idaho, is devastated. The Salle’s were planning on going there for Thanksgiving. Now they will spend it with us up on the mountain. We’ll see if we can fit everyone into that little house. Peter’s parents want to join us too.

I see that my letter has reached the five page mark. Wow, time to let you go. Thank you so much for caring about us and our dramas. Hopefully our move will mark a new period of drama-less existence for a while. God bless you all and thanks to my faithful prayer warriors.

Love,

Jeannie

PS For those of you who offered to help us do the physical move now is the time.

Nov. 4, 2006 The saga continues.

2006-11-04T23:43:00.000-08:00

What more could happen in the Kyne household you may ask? Could there possibly be any more adventures they could go on? Well, I for one have quit asking *if* there will be anything else and now wonder, dumbfounded, about what next lies in store for us. Before I share about the latest crisis I will start by telling of a realization I came to this evening.

As I attended Cowboy Church tonight for the first time since they left Cascade Ranch, I was moved to tears during worship. I was convicted by the lyrics in one of my favorite songs “Amazin’ Love”. Specifically the line, “It’s my joy to honor You. In all I do, I honor You.” I will humbly admit that I have been intensely angry and filled with bitterness towards the new owner of Cascade Ranch and her financial adviser/partner. I have wished unkind things to befall them in retribution for the pain and suffering they’ve caused to many of the residents of Lake Creek (most of whom are dear friends of mine).

However, the way I’ve thought about and referenced them has *NOT* been honoring to God. He, after all, is Lord of them as well as me and, as I tell my children on a daily basis, “I am the parent and I don’t need your help disciplining the other children.” I am responsible for only my own behavior and thoughts, not theirs. I am also not responsible to inform others of any one else’s shortcomings. I need to honor Him in *all* I do and, on top of that, to take joy in honoring Him. So I have now given thoughts of retaliation or vengeance over to the Lord and creator of the universe. I will leave the fate of others in His capable hands and be content with trying to reflect His grace which He has so benevolently shown me and in so doing honor Him.

On that note, Lord, please help me to learn quickly what it is You would have me learn so that the trials might ease. I am weary and long for rest. In Mathew 11:28, Your word says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” I am coming to Your feet Father, crying out at the feet of my Daddy who cares so much for His children. I am spent and wish to rest in the comfort of Your arms.

Now, the reason behind my latest plea . . .

As I was leaving Cowboy Church, I carefully strapped a sleeping Silas into his car seat and loaded up his stroller in the back of the van as I’ve done numerous times before. This time, however, the stroller flipped out as I was shutting the hatch. Since I was wearing sandals, this proved to be a grave happenstance indeed. Suffice it to say that I am pretty sure my big toe on my left foot is broken and I will probably lose the nail. I will find out tomorrow when I go in for an x-ray to make sure that my foot itself isn’t broken. After some wonderful people from my church family helped drive me and the kids to be picked up (thank-you Garth!), I went home with my parents, had a glass of wine and two Ibuprofen, the strongest medication I was willing to take without consulting the lactation consultant because Silas is still nursing, and I tried to get some sleep. The throbbing in my foot is so intense, however, that that option has been removed from the realm of possibility. Instead, I am updating everyone on the latest in the Kyne disaster saga. I’d be willing to trade places if anyone wanted to take a go at walking in my shoes for a day . . . Correction, shoe. ;-)

Now onto some good news and, yes, there is some good news to offset the bad. The paperwork is going smoothly on the purchase of our house which at the moment is in escrow. We hope to close on Dec. 1st.

We are still on schedule to go to Portland for surgery leaving in the wee hours of the morning on the 8th. (Won’t that be an interesting trip with only Silas, myself and an injured foot?!) I am planning on spending time with four other NICU kiddos (including Nanette) and their families while I’m up there. I also hope to visit with our friend, nurse Kathy and possibly take Silas to see some of the NICU staff.

Silas is doing well physically and expressing new facets of his personality daily. Thank-you Lord for the time You’ve granted us to get to know each other. It is still quite difficult dealing with the inconsolable outbursts but there are a few nights a week where nothing seems to trouble him so perhaps he is out growing them.

Both Albert’s and my backs are doing much better. I am ever so grateful that neither of us is laid up with a seriously injured back right now. My kneecap is swollen and keeps slipping, but, if I am careful with it, it should heal without incident.

And, for the big news, we are picking up a new member of our family as soon as we get back from Portland. She is a beautiful, black with white markings, Great Dane puppy. She will be about 16 weeks when we pick her up and she is gorgeous. All we have to do now is come up with a name that suits her.

The Harvest Festival at Living Waters Church was awesome again this year. The kids had a wonderful time and so did the “bigger kids”.Albert and my brother Trevor attempt to ride the kiddie train together. Looked a little dangerous to me. Watch that sword!

Trevor came as Captain Jack Sparrow and his wife Kate as a beautiful pirate wench. (On a side note, Silas looks like Trevor, even when he's making faces!)

Judah's family: Matt was dressed as a peace-loving hippie and Rachel as a mime. Together they were "Peace and Quiet". Too cute Rachel. And Asher, their little antidote to peace and quiet, was adorable as well (even if I couldn't get him to smile at me!).

Anna, Rachel's sister, managed to get a pumpkin painted on Silas' cheek. From his expression, I can assume he was as amazed as I at the exquisite artistry!

Daddy gave Mommy's back a rest and proudly held his cub for a while.

Our little bear came as a lion this year in honor of Judah.

We didn't realize, however, that Silas' cousin, Luke, had a lion costume as well!

My dad and mom managed to break away from their hectic packing to stop in and admire the grandkids' costumes.

Jasmine, Luke's big sister, made an adorable piglet and his big brother, Joshua, is ready to join the military at age 6!

Jerusha, our pink haired princess.

And our angel, Savannah.

And Micah had fun flying around the rooftops making sure the streets were safe.

Oct. 30, 2006 There are days, and then there are days...

2006-10-30T22:56:00.000-08:00

There are days that seem
To never come to an end.
When the first sunlight beam
And nightfall each blend.
Morning to morning the days become one.
Full of bustling activity that never is done,
While time marches on, not a minute to lend.

(This is just a quick update amidst the chaos I call my life.) Right now we are caught in one of the many storms of life. Granted, this storm has lasted a *very* long time starting with a hurricane and followed by gale after gale, but this too shall pass . . . someday. Please keep praying for us as we make this major transition in our lives. During the move, I popped my knee cap, fell and hurt my back. (For those who don’t know, I ruptured a disc and had surgery three years ago followed a year later by a car accident which put me in physical therapy for four months.) Albert also hurt his back and is so sore he has trouble walking, the children are feeling neglected, Silas is cranky, we’ve eaten pizza so much even the kids are sick of it, and the lack of sleep combined with stress has made tempers flare. All in all, it is a living nightmare. On top of everything else, I leave for Portland on Tuesday and Albert can’t come with me because he has to work. I can’t take the older kids because I need to be with Silas when he has surgery. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Lord have mercy!

From a very frazzled
~Tanaya~

P.S. To those who have helped us move, I can’t say thank-you enough. We couldn’t have done it without you and I am still amazed that we got it done at all. Thank-you, thank-you, THANK-YOU!

Oct. 8, 2006 Baby Dedication and sooo much more!

2006-10-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

October 6, 2006

Hello Friends,

I am writing to ask for prayer as Silas and I head back to Portland one last time for a minor surgery. It is an out patient procedure and involves only a gas mask, NOT intubation, if everything goes according to plan. The surgery date is Oct. 12th and we will be visiting some of our NICU neighbor friends who are in their own homes now. It *should* be no big deal.

I also wanted to let everyone know that Silas is being dedicated on Sunday, October 15, 2006, at Trail Christian Fellowship. [E-mail me for directions at tanayakyne@hotmail.com]. His baby dedication will take place before second service at 9:00 am. Come early to get a seat and to not miss the dedication (unlike me, Pastor Rick is rarely, if ever, late). Jerusha, age five, will also be dedicated that day. During her baby years, someone in our family was always sick on the days we planned to dedicate her. We know that the Lord has big plans for both these kids (as well as our older two) and we want to share with everyone our desire to have only His best for the four children, whoHe has given us on loan. They are His children to do with as He chooses. We will gratefully and publicly acknowledge this at the dedication.

Oct. 6th was my brother’s birthday. Happy 28th birthday Caleb! Today, Savannah is 9. Happy birthday Savannah! Two more days until Silas is 6 months old. Could it really be half a year from that fateful day? Has that much time passed already?

As we were packing yesterday, I came across a bag of items from when we were in the NICU. In it was a stuffed alligator Albert had bought for Silas from the gift shop when Silas was still on ECMO and we thought we might lose him. At the time a thought flashed through my mind: will I be taking this alligator home instead of my son? I instantly dismissed the thought and replaced it with hope as I had done a million times before with a million similar thoughts. Yesterday, however, the full weight of that thought hit me unexpectedly and I cried with the horror of it. I do not know how anyone copes with the terror of a deathly sick child, myself included. Our time at Legacy NICU seems, at times, surreal, like looking through a fog or remembering a dream. And yet there are moments when the memories of the pain are so vivid that it takes my breath away. I watch Silas sleep and am overcome with a deep sense of gratefulness intertwined with sorrow for the friends who no longer have their little ones to hold. They are never far from my mind. I think about them and their children throughout my day. I look at the pictures of those amazing families whenever I sit at the computer and send yet another prayer to God for mercy, comfort, peace, sleep and healing. He is a mighty Lord who knows what it is to watch His child die. God’s arms, safe and gentle, are enormous enough to enfold anyone and comfort those with the most severe of wounds. He is an awesome God.

I’m not sure what Silas remembers about his time in the NICU but whwn I showed him the stuffed alligator he instantly grabbed hold of the chenille body and gnawed on its nose. When I gave him his pacifier, he promptly clasped the toy tightly, buried his face in it and fell asleep. He woke from his nap still snuggling with his NICU gift. It seems that he associates the toy with good feelings. He has never done that with any other toy. Perhaps he felt our love and intense desire for him to stay with us at the time and he associates it with this toy. Whatever the reason, his behavior brought me great comfort.

A heartfelt thank-you to all who still keep us in prayer and are concerned about the goings on in our lives.

With love, ~Tanaya~

P.S. We are not going to Portland due to the nasty cold bug Silas and I still have. He cannot have surgery when he is sick. Please pray that we can reschedule with wonderful Dr. Lashley in a timely manner and rearrange our own schedules to accommodate as well.

From Jeannie: Dear Friends,

The Bruce Family is again struggling through a difficult time. Chuck and I are packing our belongings, giving things away, and wondering what the future holds for us. The new ranch owners decided not to let us stay here until the New Year like they said they would, so we must hurry through this difficult time. We have gone from being paralyzed with grief to looking forward to a new adventure. We are so thankful we got to live here and raise our children in such an idyllic place. We are grateful about a lot of things, but mostly that all four kids are grown and have their own families. I try not to think of moving away from them and my grandchildren. I know that many of you reading this don’t get to spend much time with your grandkids, and I should be grateful we’ve been so close for this long. It has been wonderful being here to help them and love on them and share in the lives of the grandbabies. We are thinking we might like to relocate in Coquille and, God willing, we’ll go over next week to look around. We are praying for a place over there that will outshine this one in our affections.

We aren’t alone in our struggles. All of our friends on Cascade Ranch, and Tanaya’s family, must rearrange their lives quickly too The Treadway’s have borrowed a motor home to stay in until they find a place. Steve and Maura Lolandi still don’t have any place to live but are packing and trusting the Lord. Frayne and Jo-Anne Hutton—Jo-Anne helps school Tanaya’s children—have found a place to park their trailer for a couple months and are hoping to move to Ruch with Tanaya and Albert when the purchase of the foster care home is final. John, the store/café operator is undecided about his future. He is very grateful that Chuck not only worked a deal with the current ranch owner to get him his investment back, he also received another month to operate during peak hunting season before he has to be out the first week of November.

Tanaya and Albert are trying to pack up both houses, the one they rent from us and the one they rent from the ranch, so that they can move into the one they want to buy. (They could sure use help doing this. Tanaya has Silas, the other three kids, and a resident—a foster care client—to look after, with all the meals and maintenance involved. Albert is working his 12 hour shifts at the hospital, trying to get any extra shifts to help with the myriad bills that pour into their mailbox.)

Well, after watching Silas hovering between life and death for so many weeks, of what major consequence is loosing the ranch. Whenever I start to feel to sorry for myself I think of when I prayed to God over Silas on all his life support machines to let me trade places with him. If I were given the choice there wouldn’t be any. I would trade Silas for a dozen Cascade Ranches.

Speaking of Silas he continues to develop motor skills and shows progress mentally. He still, however, is much too small. To me he seems to be loosing ground in this area. At birth he was over the one hundred percentile in the growth charts and at each doctor’s visit he drops steadily. He is now below the tenth percentile. Please pray that he starts gaining back ground in the growth/weight area. Otherwise we couldn’t be more thrilled. He is even growing back some hair. It isn’t as black as it was and his eyes have gone from black to a rich dark brown. He has an adorable grin and he loves to pull on his Papa’s beard. The panic attacks are less frequent. He and his mommy developed a cold a couple weeks ago that isn’t going away. Tanaya has had him to the doctor and, even though he is coughing, the cold hasn’t gotten into his lungs yet, which would be dangerous for him. It is a concern that the colds seem to be lingering.

On a personal level I finally had to go to a doctor to get something to help me sleep. My blood work shows I’m anemic among other things. I have very low protein, iron, vitamin D and estrogen. My cholesterol is high. I have some work to do to get back on track physically. The doctor says that stress has taken a toll on my old—fifty last month—body, and I need to start sleeping properly again.

The rest of the family is thriving. Caleb continues to recover from his motorcycle accident and has lots of work. His little Luke, almost four months old, is twenty pounds now, just seven pounds less than two year old Jasmine, his big sister. Shahala and Peter’s Zion is beautiful and loves to talk. She’s not as big as Luke yet, but she has developed a double chin. ;->

Thank you so much for continuing to keep us in your prayers. Chuck especially needs them as he tries to please the new owners while finishing off the cattle operation for the old one, and trying to figure out what we are going to do next. One of these days I’ll hopefully write that the Bruce family is peaceful again. In the meantime we do what we have to do. God bless you all.

Love,
Jeannie

September 16, 2006

2006-09-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

Now I *know* that Jehovah reigns (I declare it in one of my favorite hymns “Our God Reigns”) but it sometimes *feels* like chaos reigns. Albert and I got our first resident and the very next morning we found out that the new owners of the ranch are buying out everyone’s leases, including our own. Yes, Cascade Ranch has sold. For the past seventeen years my dad has managed the ranch for the owner who lives in Chicago, and Dad has been instrumental in developing the town and surrounding area. Now that it has sold, every renter has been given notice and every lessee has been offered a buy out. Lake Creek and Cascade Ranch are changing forever.
Albert and I are looking into purchasing an existing foster care home in Ruch (about 4 blocks from Applegate Christian Fellowship for those who know the area). It is an 8 bedroom, 3,000 square foot, 4 bath house on half an acre. It would come as-is, fully furnished and, if they chose to stay, it has four residents already living there. Add our new resident and we’d have five, the maximum allowed. The whole thing looks promising, but the stress of these past few months added on to the new stress of moving has formed a tidal wave of emotions and hormones that threaten to overwhelm me at times. It is a good thing that I am married to a man who can stand firm for me to lean on.

Silas is still doing well physically and mentally. He is beginning to reach for objects and has actually eaten a quarter of a banana twice (Praise God!!!!). He definitely feels the stress though, and is getting clingy to Mommy. This makes it difficult to get anything done, but it swells my heart to have him see me from across the room, recognize that he is not in my arms, and whimper for me.
Well, I am going to run now. I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on the happenings in the Kyne household. I am truly sorry I haven’t been able to return emails personally for a while, but please know that I appreciate everyone’s kind words of encouragement and continuing prayers. Just as soon as I get an opportunity, I will reply!

Take care, and may God send blessings to each of you.
~Tanaya~

September 6, 2006

2006-09-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,

Before I begin, be warned that I’ve written a novel. This is what happens when I go for so long between updates. :-) Prepare yourselves.

I must start by apologizing for taking so long to write. We have had internet access issues for the past month and a half. This, however, is only partly to blame. I realized that I was getting so lost in other people’s lives and stories that it was inhibiting my ability to function as a good mom, wife, etc. The pain, joy, anguish and triumph of all the precious families I have come to care about so deeply is so real to me that my emotions were swirling around in a whirlwind of conflict. It has been difficult (to say the least) to be embroiled in our own family’s recent ordeal, but I’ve also added many other family’s trials into the mix. I have actually been avoiding dealing with my own emotional rollercoaster by immersing myself in other people’s emotions.

Since I’ve been unable to access the internet for a while, I have been forced to face a few of my own demons. I realize that I blame myself for a lot of what happened to Silas and I feel so unworthy to be allowed to be a parent. I get annoyed, upset, and down-right tired of dealing with all the arguing and whining at times. Then my memory reminds me of all the mothers who would give *anything* to have my “troubles” and I am wracked with guilt for having even a hint of these feelings. Consequently, I am struggling with depression. But it isn’t depression in the usual sense of the word. It is a struggle of self. Do I allow myself to “escape” into a “poor-me-I’m-so-awful” depression where I don’t need to take responsibility for anything or anyone, including myself? Or do I knock off the self-pity party and get back to the work of being a good wife to my husband and raising a family to the absolute best of my ability? Therein lays the turmoil. It is a daily struggle with some days turning out better than others but I will continue to strive for God’s best in our family.

The following was written August 3, before I realized the internet issue.

Wow. It seems a lifetime has been and gone since I’ve last written about Silas. I have not accessed the internet for awhile and I miss staying caught up on all the lives of the online families I’ve come to care so much about.

I’ll start by giving updates on all the NICU babies I’ve written about previously:
Aunna went home with Dustin and Amanda and after three short days was taken back to the hospital with a fever. It seems her shunt had gotten a staph infection. It had to be surgically removed while the infection was fought with antibiotics. She will need yet another surgery to reinsert it. I haven’t been able to talk directly with Dustin or Amanda, but I can only imagine the frustration and fear they must be feeling. Even the thought of Silas having to go back to the NICU is so horrifying that it literally makes me nauseous. However, I have watched this little Aunna overcome such amazing odds to survive thus far that I am certain she will continue to overcome. It has been my pleasure to be a witness to the awesome miracles God has performed on her tiny body and I rest assured that He will continue to do a mighty work in her life.

Becky is, at long last, home with her Joshua. He celebrated his six month birthday in his own house. Praise God! Their struggles are not even close to being over, but at least they are living under the same roof. His surgery to replace his broviac IV had gone fairly smoothly but the line slipped out of place and leaked into his surrounding tissues. At the same time, the PIC line perforated the vein and leaked as well. Becky said the swelling was awful and he was not doing well. She was at the point where she thought he wouldn’t make it through another surgery and told them to not revive him if he died. He has been through so much and she just didn’t want him to suffer anymore. After this last surgery, which placed yet another broviac, this time in his hip area, Joshua came back still intubated and on the vent. As you can imagine, this was terribly hard for her to witness. However, as soon as they extubated him, Joshua looked at his mommy and grinned from ear to ear as if to say, “What are you worried about? I’m fine!” He is the sweetest baby I have ever met.
Now they are trying to cope with a host of new issues. Becky takes care of Joshua full time with only limited relief when her mom comes home from work at supper time. A home health nurse comes by once a weak to asses his situation, but there are no hands on caretakers available through insurance. If Joshua needs to go anywhere, it takes three people to get him there and he vomits the whole way. To complicate things further Becky has no car. Joshua has new surgeons in charge of his care and they are very concerned about how chunky he is and are trying to resolve his weight issues as well. It is still a rough road this family is on, so please keep praying for the Lord’s direction, strength, wisdom, miracles and mercy. He created Joshua for His mighty purpose and has allowed this precious child and his mom to touch the lives of so many people. I, for one, am made a more compassionate and patient woman for having known them.

About Matt and Rachel; everyone asks how they are doing. When you stop to think about it, that seems like such a silly question and yet I’ve asked the exact same thing. We all know that it has ripped their hearts into a million little pieces to have said goodbye to Judah when they hardly had a chance to say hello, so why do we ask the question? I have come to believe that it is less a true question and more an expression of care and concern. On that note, I think they are coping with their loss better than most of us would. There is definitely a sparkle missing from Rachel’s eye, but her smile is genuine. The world keeps tramping on while they are rebuilding the shattered pieces of their lives, so please continue to lift the Southmayd family up in prayer. I am praying specifically for comfort, peace, and restful sleep. (You can see pictures posted on Judah’s website by clicking on his link from my blogsite.)

Shanda who had her CDH baby after we left the NICU—we met her when she was touring the hospital and Silas was on ECMO—has sent me pictures of her beautiful Ryan and he seems to be doing well. His chest tube is out and he is starting to get real food. He has also been moved out of Ladybug section, a wonderful sign. I can’t wait to meet this little trooper.

It is amazing how many lives this CDH condition affects. I’ve recently been made aware of yet another woman whose son has just gone through a surgery to repair the hole in his diaphragm. His lung was deflated and his organs needed repair as well since they were not in their correct places nor were they growing properly. What makes this family so unique is that her son is 30 years old. He had had this condition from birth, of course, but he was just recently diagnosed with a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. He will be in recovery for a while but it looks like he will be fine. Thank-you, Lord, for your grace and mercy.

Silas is doing well. Physically he is meeting his milestones. He is rolling over, holding his head up, standing with support. There doesn’t seem to be any signs of a stroke or brain-bleed from being on ECMO. He is now thirteen pounds and growing steadily. His legs have gotten chubby again and he seems more well-rounded (pun intended). We are pleased with his progress even though his cousin, Luke, who was born two months later than Silas and a pound and a half lighter, is now over fifteen pounds. Don’t worry Luke, Silas will catch up and give you a run for your money!
I was delighted to run into Vanessa when I arrived for a WIC appointment. She is Cayden’s mommy who lives in White City. If you recall, Cayden arrived with CDH at Legacy NICU about three weeks after Silas was brought there. Both of our babies were discharged the same day. He is adorable and is doing well. Way to go Cayden!

We have an appointment next week at a developmental clinic to asses Silas’ cognitive functions. There are a couple of behaviors that are concerning us at this point, such as avoiding eye contact and failing to track an object that moves. He is also not yet reaching for anything. We’ll see what the clinic people have to say about all of this. I was expecting serious brain damage from lack of oxygen if he survived, so these things are no big deal and we’ll deal with what ever happens with a grateful smile on our faces. For Silas’ sake, I hope I am being overly sensitive and that his brain development is just fine.

Silas is no longer running low grade fevers because of teething, but he is still drooling everywhere. That’s okay; he reminds us of Juno (our Great Dane). We all still miss Juno terribly, but I think we are ready to start looking for another Great Dane. We are not the sort of family who can live without a dog. We would prefer to rescue one so we are looking at Dane rescue places on the internet. I know we will never be able to replace Juno, but maybe we can find a dog that is wonderful in his own way.

September 6

Onto the recent update; so much has transpired over the last six weeks that I hardly know where to begin. Both Albert and I have successfully negotiated passed our birthdays without too much fuss. Just another notch on the belt of experience and on we go. Our foster care home has been licensed for over a month now and we still don’t have a resident. We had six possible applicants before our wheelchair ramp was installed, but all required the ramp for one reason or another. Since the ramp has been completed however, the only applicants we’ve had have all required a higher level of care than we are licensed to perform. Meanwhile, we are still maintaining two houses, trying to pay medical bills both past and present, preparing for one more trip to Portland in early October, etc., etc. So here we sit, patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) waiting for the Lord to continue to work in this path He put us on. He has been marvelously faithful thus far and I am promised in His word that He will continue His faithfulness to those that love Him.

Micah, turning 12 on Sept. 11, has been a wonderful help to me. Silas adores him and is almost as content in Micah’s arms as he is in Daddy’s and Mommy’s arms. Micah can at times make Silas smile, and even laugh, when we cannot. I was informed that, “Mom, it’s a brother thing.”

Savannah will turn 9 on Oct. 8 and is a regular little mommy with Silas. She had her first scary moment with him when she set him on the bed and turned around to grab his swing. He, of course, promptly rolled off the bed and smashed his forehead on the nightstand. Jerusha, now 5, was on the verge of panic asking if he had to go to the hospital again. Savannah was so distraught that she could hardly speak. Silas simply cried a bit, took a nap and is perfectly fine aside from a bruise. Mommy, however, well, lets just say that I believe my heart rate has returned to normal but I may need medication to dispel the adrenaline that coursed through my veins when the incident occurred. And Daddy instantly forbade anyone from ever holding Silas again. (He has since revised that statement to include supervised holding rights.)

Micah and Savannah had their yearly school testing done and each performed very well. Their scores were above grade level and well above average in some areas. Micah has a college level understanding of math concepts and scored overall as eighth grade in math even though he will only be starting sixth grade soon.

Savannah, going into third grade, was so excited to learn that she has an eleventh grade vocabulary that she squealed with delight. She then promptly inquired what a vocabulary was.

Jerusha, who will start kindergarten in January, proudly informed us all that when she takes the test she will do better than either of them. She later asked if I’d buy a journal like Savannah’s for her to write in. When Micah said she needed to learn to write first, she told him she could spell “I hear it.” With an air of confidence, she rattled off, “G, H, E, 1, 8, 5, J, 4, S, R, 3. See!”

If anyone would like to get to know their children better, I suggest asking the following question that I asked my kids on the way home from town the other day: “If I didn’t know you, what is one thing about you that it would be very important for me to know so that I could be a good mommy?” These are their responses:

Micah (age 12): “I have a gentle heart.” I thought this was a wonderful insight. I then encouraged him to remember it when he was playing with his sisters…!

Savannah (age 9): “I’m the best kid in the whole world! No seriously, it would be important for you to know that I need to read and write a lot.” The word “need” strikes me. My mom has suggested that Savannah uses stories to escape into. I tend to think she is right and I’ve been trying to tear her away from the three or four books she has going at the same time and send her out to play or get a game going.

Jerusha: “I think you should know I’m a princess and I don’t do work.” Well, what could I say to that? I made a mental note and Jerusha now has some wonderful new, daily chores of her own. Welcome home, Cinderella!

My mom went with Silas and me to his appointment in Portland at the end of August. We enjoyed the relatively relaxed time together and Silas’ appointment with Dr. King, the cardiologist, went well. Silas still has a slight heart murmur and the echocardiogram showed that scar tissue from the ECMO cannulas still remains along the heart valve. Neither of these diagnoses seems to have any effect on the function of Silas’ heart. (Thank-you, Lord, for Your continuing mercy.) Dr. King foresees no problems in the future and gives Silas’ heart a clean bill of health.

The most informative moment of the visit, however, came when Dr. King said that at Silas’ age, hair loss will remedy itself, unlike at Dr. King’s age when it falls out for good. :-)

Our difficulties at the moment are dealing with Silas’ anxiety attacks and nightmares. Physically and mentally he seems to be progressing well, but these times of panic are absolutely heart wrenching. Everything he looks at makes him startle and cry and nothing I do comforts him. He won’t nurse and isn’t able to be distracted. These episodes sometimes last hours until he simply falls asleep from exhaustion. Please pray that Silas will have God’s all consuming peace fill his little soul and replace the fear he feels during these times. Also for wisdom on my part to find a way to make him feel safe when he is so scared and patience on the days when I’ve had very little sleep. As all parents know, it is difficult enough to deal wisely with children when you are well rested and it’s very hard when you are not.

Silas and I visited Aunna and her parents while we stayed in Portland. She is almost nine pounds and is such a happy little one. Her infection is gone and her shunt has been reinserted without much ado. She eats like it is the most fun thing on earth and her smile would brighten the darkest room.

It is amazing to think that she is a week older than Silas, but from conception she is three months younger than he is. Dustin and Amanda are so thrilled to have her home and Aunna, I’m certain, is just as thrilled to be with them.
I was also privileged to visit Becky and Joshua AT THEIR HOME! It nearly didn’t happen because of a medical emergency. The day I was going to her house, Becky called to say she was rushing Joshua to the ER. It seems that when she was flushing his central line (cleaning out his IV line with sterile saline) it ruptured. Since it is directly in a large vein, blood started spurting out of the hole in the line which was about an inch or two from where it disappears beneath the skin. To make a long story short, the tubing was cleaned and spliced together with new tubing and Joshua was sent home after taking a nap through the simple procedure. Becky asked the nurse why she hadn’t been briefed that something like this could happen and what to do if it did. The nurse informed her that she only knew of this happening once before and that the possibility was so remote that no one had even considered it.
At any rate, Joshua is back home and doing okay. Becky and I realized that Joshua and Silas had never actually met and we watched as they studied each other with great delight. Perhaps they knew somehow that they were kindred spirits linked by unfortunate, life-threatening circumstances. Or perhaps they are just babies who are naturally intrigued by other baby’s faces. I prefer the first conclusion.
Joshua is still a roly-poly boy with a cherubic face. His bright blue eyes pierce you with their innocent joy and curiosity. He unfortunately continues to vomit regularly, but the emesis is less acidic and not burning his skin as badly. Please continue to lift him up in prayer for his myriad medical complications one of which is a liver that is four times the size of normal. He will need a transplant one of these days and his kidneys may need the same. Becky is hanging in there but is very isolated. I wish she lived closer so that I could help her out with the intense stress of Joshua’s life and death care. For now, I pray that God infuses her with His almighty strength and graces her with His peace that goes beyond what we understand here on earth.

I was thrilled to finally meet baby Ryan Lewis while we were in Portland. Shanda, his mommy, took me to visit him at nine o’clock the night I arrived at the Ronald MacDonald House. He flew home to a hospital in Alaska the next morning. Ryan had to be placed back on a ventilator after a period of being off, but the doctors are certain he won’t need ECMO so it was arranged for the family to fly home. The Lewis family still has a long, bumpy road ahead of them, but they are elated that the road includes Ryan’s recovery.

On a sad note, another baby at Legacy Emanuel has succumbed to the fatal effects of CDH. While we were saying goodbye to Shanda and her family, another mom was saying goodbye to her child who was being disconnected from ECMO. Out of the eight children who’ve been placed on ECMO, starting with Silas, only Silas and one other boy have survived. (The other survivor was born with meconium—first bowel movement—and had severe pneumonia.) The other six babies had CDH (congenital diaphragmatic hernia). What I wouldn’t give for a solution to this horrible birth defect. It is such a random thing and there is nothing known to prevent it. I had heard of it before, but it is so much more common than I ever realized and, even though statistics say it is a rare disorder, there are simply too many families suffering because of CDH. Perhaps someday this birth defect will be able to be repaired as easily as putting a band-aid on a wound. For now, continuing research and vigilant prayer are needed to help every child born with CDH.
I’d like to thank all of you again for your faithful prayers and kindnesses over the past months. I am working on getting thank-you cards and birth announcements sent out. Silas is five months old and I am finally announcing his birth?! In any case, I wanted to say a quick thank you right now and let you know that we greatly appreciated the out pouring of support from so many generous people. With all my heart, thank-you.

Love, Tanaya

P.S. I just had to add a picture of Nanette!

August 26, 2006

2006-08-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

From Jeannie:

Dear Friends,

Get ready for an update on my family. I’m so sorry it has been so long since I’ve communicated with you folks. Much has been happening in my life and the lives of the Bruce Family. I seem to be suffering from some kind of depression that has knocked me down pretty well. I suppose it could be just stress that has brought it on, but I have felt debilitated for the last couple months. It also may have something to do with that big birthday that I see looming in my near future. :-) Fortunately I can see a light at the end of my long tunnel.

The Kyne Family moved out of our home just in time for Shahala to have her baby and for us to throw a celebration for the Salle’s, Caleb’s in-laws. It was their thirtieth wedding anniversary, and well worth celebrating. Linda Salle (Lisa’s mother) is having surgery on October eighth to prepare her body to go on dialysis because her kidneys are failing. Her cancer is still in remission. Larry’s back is healing from his last surgery. Please join with us in praying for our dear friend and her family as they face yet another trial.

Caleb is recovering from his motorcycle accident. Only one injury remains to be healed. It is more serious than the doctors first believed. His accident insurance ended up paying only $250.00 out of hundreds of dollars worth of bills so their financial burdens are heavy. The good news is he is back at work—wearing a cast and having someone hang the drywall while he tapes and finishes. He seems to have lots of work lined up and for that we are grateful.

Caleb and Lisa’s darling little baby, Luke, born on June eighth, is a whopping 17 pounds already, topping the charts for size and weight gain. He also tops the charts for his huge smile and sunny disposition. Joshua is a helpful big brother who loves to play outside. The highlight of Joshua’s life right now is the horsemanship lessons his Auntie Kate is giving him. Jasmine continues to have issues because she has to share her mommy, but Lisa is amazing with her children, and with her energy level. She drops into bed exhausted each night after having folks over for supper, taking her parent’s meals, or having gatherings of girls in her well-managed home. She is such a blessing to the Bruce Family and she grows more exceptionally dear each day.

Trevor and Kate are struggling to make improvements in their new (old) house. They have totally finished the bathroom and a bedroom but are waiting on finances to do more. Trevor and Kate are Junior High Pastors at their church (Living Waters) and their “kids” have had the privilege of painting messages all over the unfinished floors in the house. We see them with Trevor and Kate up on the ranch fishing occasionally, and Kate told me about serving them a spaghetti dinner and making them eat without utensils. Trevor loves working with the Southmayd’s (baby Judah’s family) installing granite countertops.

(If you think of praying for Judah’s family since his passing—Judah died on the ECMO machine—please pray that their sleep would be peaceful.)

Shahala and Peter are hopelessly, helplessly in love with their little Zion. She is keeping them busy doing new parent things and their house is filled with baby furniture and toys. They had us for supper with Caleb’s family and their little house was rocking with children, laughter and babies. Peter is now a worship leader at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Medford. The Pastors have taken the Kroll’s under their wings. They love their new church. Peter finished remodeling his latest house and he now has renters. He did a beautiful job.

Silas has had his ups and downs. He had a developmental evaluation more than a month ago and it was thought that he could have cerebral palsy because of how jerky his upper body is and because he didn’t have control over his hands and arms. Tanaya and I took him up to Portland to see a heart doctor and, even though his heart ultrasound still shows signs of damage and he still has a bit of a murmur (both caused by the ECMO machine), the doctor gave his heart a clean bill of health because there have been no new problems. (This doctor is amazing because he has hundreds of photos of children around his office and examining rooms. Lots of the little ones are in his arms. He also assured us that even though Silas’ lovely, long black hair has almost all fallen out, it will grow back, unlike the poor doctor’s own lockless head.)

It was fun being at the Ronald McDonald House again, even though it was traumatic to be thrown back into life and death struggles. We didn’t think we’d know anyone this time around but there was Shanda meeting us at the door, anxious to whisk Tanaya over to the NICU to meet her little Ryan. Shanda and her husband talked to Tanaya when Silas was on ECMO. They were visiting the NICU while still pregnant to see where their baby was going to be taken after being delivered by C-section. He has CDH. They were leaving for home in Alaska the next morning. Shanda witnessed the Southmayd’s when little Judah passed and knew Becky. She told us about a young mother whose baby was failing on the ECMO machine as were speaking and said the doctors would probably pull the plugs the next day. Unfortunately this girl had no support that anyone knew about, just a fairly disinterested boyfriend who occasionally dropped by. We tried to befriend her but she was too upset to meet anybody new.

Silas really didn’t travel well to Portland and back. Tanaya had him in the car for hours driving out to visit with Becky and with Aunna’s parents while we were there. The long drive home almost did him in. It took him several days to recover his good nature and get rid of that worried look on his little face. When he gets upset he refuses to nurse, even though he is desperately hungry. Is there anything more upsetting? We think it must have something to do with his oral aversions because of having tubes down his throat for so long. He also suffers from nightmares. For starting out such a big fellow he is just a tiny little guy now, light as a feather. We still marvel that we have him in our arms after all that he’s been through, and he is about the cutest little guy we’ve ever seen with his big black eyes and especially with his comical hairdo. He reminds me of my dad with thirty long hairs on the top of his head that the wind blows every which way. You can’t help but smile and he always comes back with a delightful grin.

Silas continues to struggle with weight gain. He does breathe faster than normal babies and that must burn more calories. Please pray for a steadier weight gain. In the meantime his pediatrician is happy with his progress. He has had his second developmental evaluation and the specialist could actually see improvements in his condition. He is actually trying to get anything that goes into his hands into his mouth. She said that if he had cerebral palsy there wouldn’t be any improvements. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to hear that!

Now I’ll give you the latest news about Chuck and me. We have learned that an offer has been made on the ranch and the owner has accepted it. The new people have 90 days to make up their mind to buy it. We haven’t met with the new people yet, so we don’t know if they’d like us to stay on. It has been unsettling to say the least. The good thing is that we know our lives are in the Lord’s hands and He will take care of us no matter what. We would appreciate your prayers in this area too.

What wonderful friends you are. God bless you all for your kind consideration of our growing family and thank you especially for praying for us.

Love,
Jeannie

July 20, 2006

2006-07-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

I have added a few blogsites of children whose stories I've been following. Some babies have survived this horrible CDH birth defect and others, "angels", have not. For those of you who are interested, these families have awe-inspiring as well as heart-breaking stories to tell. I admire each and every one of these wonderful families and the painful journeys they've taken with their sick babies.

Love, ~Tanaya~

From Jeannie:

Thanks so much for your prayers. Shahala and Peter had their baby girl yesterday. Shahala did an amazing job. Shahala’s dear friend, Anna-Karen’s daughter and Judah Southmayd’s Aunty, helped with the coaching. Peter, Anna and I all had tears in our eyes when Zion Reign gazed into her mommy’s eyes while the doctor tended to some last minute details and did some stitching. I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to be part of a really good birth experience after the trauma of the past few months.

It was very exciting to show up at the hospital yesterday morning and find that our nurse was Kathy, the wonderful girl who saved Silas’ life (and Tanaya’s) by pushing him out of the womb. (She had to straddle Tanaya on the bed and use her whole weight to push on Tanaya’s tummy and she ended up breaking Silas’ collarbone to do it because he was stuck so tightly!) Kathy and her student nurse, Ashley, took very good care of us. Shahala was magnificent. The doctor didn’t need to give her anything to induce labor, just break her water, because she was already having contractions and partially dilated. Shahala has had such a rocky pregnancy she wasn’t sure she’d be able to go through everything without drugs or an epidural, but she did it totally on her own. Ashley was raving about how well Shahala did. And when that baby figured out how to nurse---it took about five seconds—Kathy bragged about having to wipe off dried milk from Zion’s lip when she gave the wee one her first bath at two hours old. Zion Reign weighs seven pounds five ounces and is twenty inches long. She was born at 1:44 pm on Tuesday and I got to press the buzzer that sends a lullaby throughout the hospital to let everyone know that a new baby is born. Zion’s grandparents—both sets—are still arguing about who she looks like but we all agree she is very cute!

Tanaya and Nurse Kathy had a tearful reunion after Shahala’s delivery. As a matter of fact, people were coming from all parts of the hospital to talk to Tanaya and Albert about Silas. Albert works there and the staff has been so supportive of the Kyne family through Silas’ long illness. Silas wowed a few of them in the parking lot where a breeze was blowing germs in a different direction.
Karen (Judah’s grandmother) was driving home from Portland when we called her with the news, and she started sobbing with relief and joy. I thank God that our two families have been able to support each other through our struggles. I don’t know if you folks knew that Karen’s daughter, Naomi, delivered twins while Silas was in the NICU in Portland, so even though their arms are empty because of Karen’s daughter, Rachel Southmayd’s baby Judah’s passing, they are filled with thriving Johnny and Zoe.

Karen has been an errand girl between Portland and the Rogue Valley for a new friend of Tanaya’s in Ashland who has twin babies that are allergic to anything but human milk. Tanaya has rallied all the NICU mothers to donate their stored breast milk for these precious babies. Becky, who has been pumping milk for Joshua since January 28, has filled cooler after cooler with frozen milk. Baby Nanette’s mother, Joanne, and others are pitching in, too.

Caleb is feeling a little better. His road rash is healing and his bones don’t feel as sore. Trevor is helping him finish his drywall job in the evenings and they expect to be done on Saturday. Trevor works for the Southmayd’s now, installing granite countertops. He couldn’t continue in the drywall business because he needed his evenings and weekends free for his ministry to the Junior High kids at Living Waters Church.

I must run and help the Kyne family get organized for moving out. Their room will be available for Mary Duke, Trevor’s third grade teacher—and a best friend of mine—who is coming tomorrow from California for a visit to help us figure out different ways to teach Micah to read. Mary specialized in teaching children with dyslexia (a politically incorrect term these days). She did wonders with Trevor and is anxious to see him again. It has been fourteen years since we’ve seen her.

Thank you all for praying for our extended family and friends. This has been a busy and productive season for our family, with lots of stretches along the way, but is has only drawn us closer to each other, and to our Lord Jesus, our sustainer. God bless you.

Love, Jeannie

July 14 & 18, 2006 Bittersweet

2006-07-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

This was written July 14th, shortly after Judah passed away and I haven’t been ready to share it until now:

Dearest Friends,

I don’t even know where to begin. It is so strange the swirl of feelings that well up inside me at any given moment. Silas will blow a raspberry just as Albert finishes saying, “Do you love your daddy?” and we will both chuckle at his timing. Then I will be filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt that I get to watch my baby’s smile and the families of Jolee, Judah, and so many others won’t ever be able to even see their child’s face again. The next moment is filled with a determination to be the best mom I can be to my children as if I owe it to the mothers who’ve lost their children. I then realize that I screw up all the time in my parenting and another mom would most likely do a better job of loving and caring for their children, so I don’t deserve this opportunity to raise these precious kiddos. Yet I am so grateful for the oppurtunity to try. And I cherish the fact that I can press my ear to Silas’ chest and listen to his strong heart beat and the current of air flowing in and out of his strengthening lungs. It is like I am on a tiny raft in the middle of the vast ocean and my emotions are being tossed in every direction at the whim of the waves.

I have been changed through this whole NICU experience and I will never be the same. My faith has been, and is continually being, tested. I have relied entirely on the Lord to take us through this experience. I could not have survived without His strength and guidance. In the end, He gifted us with miracle after miracle and our son survived. However, I am still unsettled (and sometimes downright angry) about the babies who didn’t live. I find myself questioning why He didn’t allow Jolee, Judah and the other babies who’ve died to experience the same kind of miracle He granted us. It is not that I question His authority in these matters or His plan; I just feel that if I knew the reasons for it all, it would settle things in my heart. Then again, if I did understand all the reasons, wouldn’t that make me God? And if my desire is to be God, how am I any different than Satan and the fallen angels?

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.’”
~Isaiah 55:8-11~

I hope the Lord brings those verses to mind every time I think about usurping the sovereignty of God. It is not for me to know the reasons. It is for me to rest in the knowledge that He *IS* in control and that He knows far better than I what needs to happen on this earth. I will strengthen my certainty by remembering Psalm 71:19-21: “Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

July 18, 2006

I feel completely spent today. Let me start by telling of the bittersweet memorial service for Judah Mathew Southmayd, held on Sunday, July 16th. My mom and I sat in the very back of a spacious sanctuary (to avoid exposing Silas to too many germs) and watched a slide show of Judah’s sixteen days outside of the womb. They were pictures of a beloved child who is no longer with us and who is missed by all who knew him and also by many who only knew *of* him. His life has touched so many others. Rachel, his mom, spoke and asked that no one be angry with God about Judah’s too short life here on earth. She was incredibly insightful when she pointed out that he was not created for this life, but for eternity. It was a poignant reminder of how fleeting life on earth is. It also made us think about a fact that many of us never come to grips with; we are created as eternal beings. Judah simply skipped this part of life and went straight to the Father’s arms. Rachel also spoke about how she’d been mourning the loss of life experiences for Judah such as graduations, marriage, having children, etc. Then she thought about all the awful things he’d never have to face as well. God took away all the pain he might ever have and made him whole in body, mind and spirit instantly. Judah’s memorial was a tearful, beautiful ceremony celebrating his short life here on earth and mourning our loss.

And life continues its wonderous, unceasing march onward. . .

I am now the proud aunty to yet another delightful little girl shown here in the arms of both my dad (her Papa), Chuck, and my mom, (her Grammy), Jeannie. My sister, Shahala, delivered Zion Reign Kroll at 1:44 pm. She weighed seven pounds five ounces, is twenty inches long and has a wonderfully loud cry. After hearing so many babies with weak or raspy cries in the NICU, it was delightful to hear that little girl belt out a howl. Both Mommy and Daddy (Peter) are absolutely thrilled with their first born and all are recovering well.

It was with great delight that I discovered that Shahala’s nurse was the same nurse who helped deliver Silas. Her name is Kathy (it seems all nurses who are named Kathy are absolutely wonderful!). I haven’t written much about my delivery as it was so horrible, but this nurse actually climbed onto my bed to push on my abdomen. At that point I had been on the verge of passing out, but having her use the full weight of her body to push on me somehow snapped me back enough to give one last push. That’s when Silas’ collarbone broke and he finally came out looking as purple as those dark purple/black grapes. She helped save not only his life but quite probably my own as well. I was thrilled to have Mom take a picture of her holding Silas.

I also saw Susan, the lactation consultant, who has called so many times to check up on Silas and me. She was an invaluable source of help to me when I had nursing issues after Jerusha was born and continues to help me to this day. I must say, if anyone in the Rouge Valley is trying to decide where to have their baby, the staff at Providence is absolutely splendid. Everyone from the desk clerks to the nurses is caring, kind and wonderful. And I’m not just saying that because my husband works there either! ;-)

In a much sadder tone, Becky’s Joshua is not doing well at all. He had his surgery to replace the broviac (the IV placed surgically into a vessel through the chest leading directly into the heart) which had been removed due to virulent infection. Afterward, it was discovered this second broviac had slipped out of place and had to be removed. In the meantime, his PIC line (another kind of IV threaded through a smaller vein up to the heart) perforated the vein wall and filled the surrounding tissues with fluid. Now the only options are to try a surgically inserted IV line through a femoral artery in his leg or to do nothing. Without an IV, Joshua cannot get the nutrients he needs to survive since he does not have sufficient intestines to digest and absorb an adequate amount of food. Please pray for my dear friend whose baby is almost six months old and has neither seen the sky nor felt a breeze on his face. She is truly at the end of her endurance and needs God’s strength to carry on as hers is utterly spent.

Nanette’s mom, JoAnn, was able to visit with her when they returned to Legacy for another post-op checkup. Nanette is doing wonderfully. Her cherubic face is absolutely kissable. I am told she is a content little thing and gaining weight well. You go girl!

It seems kind of strange to say, but I miss the Cooke family terribly. We lived together for over a month at the Ronald McDonald House and shared such an intense, difficult experience together that I feel bonded to them like they are part of my *own* family. I just want to hug them all and scream, “We made it! We survived!” and also see with my own eyes that they are truly okay. I still have dreams that something bad happens and I wake up scared and uneasy. That’s when I scroll through the pictures, look at that chubby little face of Nanette’s and am reassured that she and her family are fine.

Someone else from Legacy NICU who is doing better than fine is Aunna. She is doing so well that she is going home. Praise the Lord! In fact, Dustin and Amanda should be home with her as I type. She weighed seven pounds one ounce when I talked with Amanda on Saturday. To think that she was born into the world weighing only one pound nine ounces. Well, she certainly isn’t the tiniest baby in the NICU any more. Aunna ended up needing a shunt to drain the fluid off her brain, but she handled the surgery well and within two days she was back up to full feeds. I don’t know when Amanda will be having her gallbladder surgery but I will continue to pray for a speedy recovery when she does. I may be returning to Portland with Karen (Judah’s grandma) next week to see Becky, and if so, I will be able to stop in and visit Aunna (that big girl!) at her very own house.

I will also be able to be introduced to yet another CDH baby who has arrived in the NICU. Shanda, who took a tour of the NICU when Silas was on ECMO, has delivered Ryan Lewis. Born on July 13th, he was scheduled to have his corrective surgery today at 1 pm. They came all the way from Alaska to deliver at Legacy, and I will be praying that the wonderful doctors and nurses there can be used by God to save Ryan’s life. I find it a very good sign that he is having surgery without having had to go on ECMO yet. If the doctors think that they may need ECMO to stabilize them then baby’s surgeries are usually postponed due to the use of blood thinners while on the machine.

[Side note- Ya’ know, for a defect that is statistically quite rare, it sure seems like there are a lot of babies with CDH being born. There are many, many similar stories on the websites of families with CDH babies. I follow the websites of nine CDH kids, some who are surviving, some who’ve died and some who’ve yet to be born. It is an amazing community of people brought together by awful circumstances and shared experiences. I often find myself quoting Psalm 23 as I read of the struggles, trials, triumphs and defeats these families face. It is a Psalm most have heard but not truly listened to and it speaks comfort to the very marrow of my soul.]

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
~Psalm 23~

Thank you all for sharing my continuing journey through the NICU and beyond. Your prayers and support have brought and continue to bring comfort and strength through this ordeal.

With much love and a grateful heart, ~Tanaya~

July 12, 2006 - Saying Good-bye

2006-07-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

It is with the greatest of sorrow that I write. Judah Mathew Southmayd passed out of this world today. He now resides in Glory while we on earth are left to grieve our loss. Continue to pray for Matt, Rachel, grandma Karen and the rest of the family who were all so intimatly touched by Judah in the cherished few days spent with him.

Matt and Rachel, I will constantly remember you in my prayers. I love you guys dearly. My heart longs to comfort you during this trial. May the Lord wrap His mighty hands around you both.

With all my love,
~Tanaya~

July 12, 2006 - Baby Judah

2006-07-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

Dr. Newman told Matt and Rachel yesterday that there was nothing more medically to be done for Judah and that it was time to unplug the machine. Rachel asked for one more day and Dr. Newman agreed. Today they will remove Judah from ECMO life support. This is where we need God to perform a miracle and make Judah’s lungs and heart work enough to sustain his life. Please pray for Judah and his family.

Lord, we beseech You on behalf of the Southmayd family. Grant a miraculous healing in Judah’s tiny body. You *are* the great Physician. Place Your hands on his lungs and heart and make them function as they were designed by You to function. Heal his body, Lord. Allow him more time here on earth before You take him home with You. Grant Your peace that passes all understanding to Matt and Rachel. When we cannot understand a situation, we can still rest in the knowledge that You will take care of us. Thank-you for Your son who died on the cross so that we could have such an intimate relationship with You. Thank-you that You understand what it is like to have a child in pain. Thank-you that You will take care of Matt, Rachel, Judah and the rest of their family.

In hope and love,
~Tanaya~