May 12, 2006

Dear Friends,

We have had a yet another day pass and once again it was a great day for some and a hard day for others. Silas, Nanette and Aunna are doing wonderfully. However, Becky's Joshua is not doing so well. I haven't had a chance to talk directly with Becky since Joshua's surgery to place a permanent feeding tube into his abdomen happened this afternoon. All I know is that something did not go well and Joshua is still on the ventilator. He had undergone this surgery in anticipation of going home in the next couple weeks and now that looks like it is off the table. In spite of this, the Creator God can do miracles and I am praying Joshua will be a testament to His awesome power.

Aunna has been transferred from the high frequency ventilator and is on a regular vent now. The doctors are talking about getting her off that and onto a CPAP machine possibly by next week. Dustin and Amanda got to give her her first sponge bath ever (they've been here for five and a half weeks). Praise His Name!!!!

Nanette has moved and is our neighbor again. . . sort of. Somehow, she got a private room with glass doors and a window to the outside. This is luxury in our section of the NICU with cramped little booths and curtains that don't quite fit all the way around. When I asked how Nanette rated so high, Joanne smiled and replied simply, "She's a princess." Well, what can you say to that? She's right of course. And Nanette is taking about half her food orally now so the whispered word is that she might see the inside of her own home by the end of next week! By the grace of the Most High, let it be so.

Albert and I were called today from the ladybug section by our dear nurse friend, Kathy. She asked if we'd be willing to come talk to a family about ECMO as their 2 day old son had just been put on the machine. I am still having a hard time sorting out the emotions that have been coursing through me like a raging river. To see another child on the ECMO circuit brings a flood of memories and fears and desperation back to a still raw surface and it has also created a slew of new emotions as well. On the one hand, we got to show the dad, Tim, our Silas. We were able to offer him tangible hope and assurance that kids on ECMO make it off and they look and act normally. On the other hand, I felt both dread and horror that another child and his family were going to go through this rollercoaster while feeling great relief that it wasn't us. The sea of conflicting feelings washing over me was nearly unbearable and by the time we left they overwhelmed me as I broke down. I'd imagine that this is something like survivors guilt. I don't understand it yet and maybe I never will. I will trust that the Lord knows what is going on in my heart and that He will use it for His glory. I trust that He knew that all this would happen since before the dawn of time. Even though He has all knowledge and knew from the moment he chose to create Silas in my womb that we'd go through theses trials, I trust that He weeps with us when we weep and that He rejoices when we rejoice. I trust that He knows best even when I falter and wonder if He really knows what He is doing. I trust.

Love, Tanaya