July 14 & 18, 2006 Bittersweet

This was written July 14th, shortly after Judah passed away and I haven’t been ready to share it until now:

Dearest Friends,

I don’t even know where to begin. It is so strange the swirl of feelings that well up inside me at any given moment. Silas will blow a raspberry just as Albert finishes saying, “Do you love your daddy?” and we will both chuckle at his timing. Then I will be filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt that I get to watch my baby’s smile and the families of Jolee, Judah, and so many others won’t ever be able to even see their child’s face again. The next moment is filled with a determination to be the best mom I can be to my children as if I owe it to the mothers who’ve lost their children. I then realize that I screw up all the time in my parenting and another mom would most likely do a better job of loving and caring for their children, so I don’t deserve this opportunity to raise these precious kiddos. Yet I am so grateful for the oppurtunity to try. And I cherish the fact that I can press my ear to Silas’ chest and listen to his strong heart beat and the current of air flowing in and out of his strengthening lungs. It is like I am on a tiny raft in the middle of the vast ocean and my emotions are being tossed in every direction at the whim of the waves.

I have been changed through this whole NICU experience and I will never be the same. My faith has been, and is continually being, tested. I have relied entirely on the Lord to take us through this experience. I could not have survived without His strength and guidance. In the end, He gifted us with miracle after miracle and our son survived. However, I am still unsettled (and sometimes downright angry) about the babies who didn’t live. I find myself questioning why He didn’t allow Jolee, Judah and the other babies who’ve died to experience the same kind of miracle He granted us. It is not that I question His authority in these matters or His plan; I just feel that if I knew the reasons for it all, it would settle things in my heart. Then again, if I did understand all the reasons, wouldn’t that make me God? And if my desire is to be God, how am I any different than Satan and the fallen angels?

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.’”
~Isaiah 55:8-11~

I hope the Lord brings those verses to mind every time I think about usurping the sovereignty of God. It is not for me to know the reasons. It is for me to rest in the knowledge that He *IS* in control and that He knows far better than I what needs to happen on this earth. I will strengthen my certainty by remembering Psalm 71:19-21: “Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

July 18, 2006

I feel completely spent today. Let me start by telling of the bittersweet memorial service for Judah Mathew Southmayd, held on Sunday, July 16th. My mom and I sat in the very back of a spacious sanctuary (to avoid exposing Silas to too many germs) and watched a slide show of Judah’s sixteen days outside of the womb. They were pictures of a beloved child who is no longer with us and who is missed by all who knew him and also by many who only knew *of* him. His life has touched so many others. Rachel, his mom, spoke and asked that no one be angry with God about Judah’s too short life here on earth. She was incredibly insightful when she pointed out that he was not created for this life, but for eternity. It was a poignant reminder of how fleeting life on earth is. It also made us think about a fact that many of us never come to grips with; we are created as eternal beings. Judah simply skipped this part of life and went straight to the Father’s arms. Rachel also spoke about how she’d been mourning the loss of life experiences for Judah such as graduations, marriage, having children, etc. Then she thought about all the awful things he’d never have to face as well. God took away all the pain he might ever have and made him whole in body, mind and spirit instantly. Judah’s memorial was a tearful, beautiful ceremony celebrating his short life here on earth and mourning our loss.

And life continues its wonderous, unceasing march onward. . .


I am now the proud aunty to yet another delightful little girl shown here in the arms of both my dad (her Papa), Chuck, and my mom, (her Grammy), Jeannie. My sister, Shahala, delivered Zion Reign Kroll at 1:44 pm. She weighed seven pounds five ounces, is twenty inches long and has a wonderfully loud cry. After hearing so many babies with weak or raspy cries in the NICU, it was delightful to hear that little girl belt out a howl. Both Mommy and Daddy (Peter) are absolutely thrilled with their first born and all are recovering well.

It was with great delight that I discovered that Shahala’s nurse was the same nurse who helped deliver Silas. Her name is Kathy (it seems all nurses who are named Kathy are absolutely wonderful!). I haven’t written much about my delivery as it was so horrible, but this nurse actually climbed onto my bed to push on my abdomen. At that point I had been on the verge of passing out, but having her use the full weight of her body to push on me somehow snapped me back enough to give one last push. That’s when Silas’ collarbone broke and he finally came out looking as purple as those dark purple/black grapes. She helped save not only his life but quite probably my own as well. I was thrilled to have Mom take a picture of her holding Silas.

I also saw Susan, the lactation consultant, who has called so many times to check up on Silas and me. She was an invaluable source of help to me when I had nursing issues after Jerusha was born and continues to help me to this day. I must say, if anyone in the Rouge Valley is trying to decide where to have their baby, the staff at Providence is absolutely splendid. Everyone from the desk clerks to the nurses is caring, kind and wonderful. And I’m not just saying that because my husband works there either! ;-)

In a much sadder tone, Becky’s Joshua is not doing well at all. He had his surgery to replace the broviac (the IV placed surgically into a vessel through the chest leading directly into the heart) which had been removed due to virulent infection. Afterward, it was discovered this second broviac had slipped out of place and had to be removed. In the meantime, his PIC line (another kind of IV threaded through a smaller vein up to the heart) perforated the vein wall and filled the surrounding tissues with fluid. Now the only options are to try a surgically inserted IV line through a femoral artery in his leg or to do nothing. Without an IV, Joshua cannot get the nutrients he needs to survive since he does not have sufficient intestines to digest and absorb an adequate amount of food. Please pray for my dear friend whose baby is almost six months old and has neither seen the sky nor felt a breeze on his face. She is truly at the end of her endurance and needs God’s strength to carry on as hers is utterly spent.

Nanette’s mom, JoAnn, was able to visit with her when they returned to Legacy for another post-op checkup. Nanette is doing wonderfully. Her cherubic face is absolutely kissable. I am told she is a content little thing and gaining weight well. You go girl!


It seems kind of strange to say, but I miss the Cooke family terribly. We lived together for over a month at the Ronald McDonald House and shared such an intense, difficult experience together that I feel bonded to them like they are part of my *own* family. I just want to hug them all and scream, “We made it! We survived!” and also see with my own eyes that they are truly okay. I still have dreams that something bad happens and I wake up scared and uneasy. That’s when I scroll through the pictures, look at that chubby little face of Nanette’s and am reassured that she and her family are fine.

Someone else from Legacy NICU who is doing better than fine is Aunna. She is doing so well that she is going home. Praise the Lord! In fact, Dustin and Amanda should be home with her as I type. She weighed seven pounds one ounce when I talked with Amanda on Saturday. To think that she was born into the world weighing only one pound nine ounces. Well, she certainly isn’t the tiniest baby in the NICU any more. Aunna ended up needing a shunt to drain the fluid off her brain, but she handled the surgery well and within two days she was back up to full feeds. I don’t know when Amanda will be having her gallbladder surgery but I will continue to pray for a speedy recovery when she does. I may be returning to Portland with Karen (Judah’s grandma) next week to see Becky, and if so, I will be able to stop in and visit Aunna (that big girl!) at her very own house.

I will also be able to be introduced to yet another CDH baby who has arrived in the NICU. Shanda, who took a tour of the NICU when Silas was on ECMO, has delivered Ryan Lewis. Born on July 13th, he was scheduled to have his corrective surgery today at 1 pm. They came all the way from Alaska to deliver at Legacy, and I will be praying that the wonderful doctors and nurses there can be used by God to save Ryan’s life. I find it a very good sign that he is having surgery without having had to go on ECMO yet. If the doctors think that they may need ECMO to stabilize them then baby’s surgeries are usually postponed due to the use of blood thinners while on the machine.

[Side note- Ya’ know, for a defect that is statistically quite rare, it sure seems like there are a lot of babies with CDH being born. There are many, many similar stories on the websites of families with CDH babies. I follow the websites of nine CDH kids, some who are surviving, some who’ve died and some who’ve yet to be born. It is an amazing community of people brought together by awful circumstances and shared experiences. I often find myself quoting Psalm 23 as I read of the struggles, trials, triumphs and defeats these families face. It is a Psalm most have heard but not truly listened to and it speaks comfort to the very marrow of my soul.]

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
~Psalm 23~

Thank you all for sharing my continuing journey through the NICU and beyond. Your prayers and support have brought and continue to bring comfort and strength through this ordeal.

With much love and a grateful heart, ~Tanaya~