January 8, 2007 - Sad news.

It has been a long weary road and I have not been able to post an update for quite some time. Let me start by saying that Silas is doing well. He has completely recovered from his surgery in Portland and now that he is on medication for acid reflux, he is eating and sleeping better. We were able to visit with a few of our NICU friends while we were there. DJ, a preemie born 10 days before Silas and weighing less than four pounds, is now much bigger than Silas who was born 10 pounds 4 ounces. Nanette, Silas ladybug roommate, is stunningly beautiful and energetic. Her mom, JoAnn and I were able to have a normal conversation (i.e. without the constant nagging thought of “is your or my baby going to have to face another terrible trauma today?”) when we drove an hour to Salem to visit Becky and Joshua.

This is where it gets difficult for me to write. While our visit with Becky and her smiling cherub was lovely, and seeing the three beloved babies sitting together on Becky’s couch wrung tears of joy from my eyes, Joshua was not doing well.

On December 8, 2006, Joshua succumbed to a multitude of complications and passed away in his mommy’s arms. It has been incredibly difficult, to say the least, to write about this heartrending event. On Dec. 23, Silas, Micah and I attended Joshua’s memorial service. My eyes burned with tears through the whole ceremony as did every other set of eyes present. One row was taken up with NICU survivors DJ and his mom Trina, Aunna and her parents, Dustin and Amanda, and Silas with my and Micah. There were also many nurses from Emanuel NICU who had cared for all our children as well as a home health nurse who’d gotten to know Joshua after he had gone home. There was also another mom who’d been in the NICU with Becky after we’d gone home and subsequently lost her little girl. And yet another mom who’s son (one of a set of twins) had been in the NICU for over nine months and was currently in the Pediatric Intensive care after yet another surgery. There were so many more people who’d been touched by Becky and Joshua and changed forever by the jovial smile of a kid who thought life was a joy even through all his trials and by the genuinely compassionate spirit of his mother. I also know of so many others who wished to be there but were not able to and who were lifting Becky up in prayer. That little family has been a truly amazing inspiration to so many.

Anyway, that is pretty much all I can write about this at this time. It is so emotionally exhausting to go over the details in my mind; I can’t even imagine what it must be like when the details are about your own child. I look at Silas and I think, why me? Why did my child survive? I certainly didn’t do anything so wonderful as to deserve to raise him. In fact, it is probably just the opposite. I get annoyed when he wakes in the middle of the night screaming and won’t go back to sleep, or when he throws a fit and knocks the spoon out of my hand splattering everything and everyone within a three foot radius with cooked cereal and yogurt. How can I be upset when I know that every breath he takes is an amazing miracle? And now Becky is added to the ever lengthening list of mothers who would give their right arm just for a few more moments with their precious child. Rachel, Krista, Becky; I am humbled and in awe of the strength of these women to endure through the aching hole in their hearts. And this list does not include all the amazing women I’ve met on the internet whose children no longer grace this earth. Each of you is the mother I want to strive to be. Thank you for sharing your lives with me and so many others. You’ve inspired me with your love for your children. Thank-you.

Love

~Tanaya~