February 1,2007 Life. Death. Reality.

Well, Silas *is* finally growing. I have proof. Not only is he out stretching his clothes, but the doctor's visit confirmed it. He is a whopping 17lbs 3oz. and is maintaining his growth curve at the sixth percentile. His length however, is exceeding his growth curve and he has now "inched" his way into the fiftieth percentile. Way to go Little Bear!

Now, about this whole crawling thing; I may have been excited and cheering him on when he first started, but he now goes everywhere! Under the table for scraps; to the dog's kennel for scraps; to the runner of the sliding glass door for scraps; you get the idea. I think I have officially made the transition from paranoid, germ-phobic mommy to "Oh Silas, don't eat that!" mommy. And now we pay the price. We all recently got colds that lasted a couple days but Silas can't seem to shake his. He can't eat without coughing/choking/gagging/vomiting, his eyes water constantly, he has a fever. And the stuff that comes out of his nose. . . ! Steven Spielburg could use it in his Sci-Fi movies. This has made for some very slapstick humor. Last night while feeding this squirming mucus producer, he took a spoonful of cottage cheese mixed with veggies and gravy, sloshed it in his mouth long enough to coat it and then proceeded to sneeze.

I had chunks fall from my hair for crying out loud! (And I don't think I need to add that I almost added to the chunks at my feet.) The older kids thought this was a great prank to pull on Mom and were glad that they themselves could not be blamed. Needless to say it has been a serious laundry week. If he doesn't start feeling better tomorrow, I'll take him in to make sure it is just a virus and not something wrong with his lungs again.

The kids and I took off this weekend to visit my parents at their new home on the Oregon coast. it was divine to get away for a few days and the kids had so much fun.

While on my mom's computer, I was scrolling through pictures from the NICU and Jerusha was looking over my shoulder. At one point she asked, "Mommy, who is that?"

Mommy: "That is Joshua when he was first born."
Jerusha: "Who is Joshua again?"
Mommy: "That is my friend Becky's baby." I find a more recent picture. "Do you remember him now?"
Jerusha: "Oh, yeah! He's so cute."
Micah: "Yeah, he is the one who died and Mom and I went to the memorial."
Jerusha (stunned): "*This* is the baby who died?"
Mommy: "Yes, remember when I was crying and I told you what had happened?"
Jerusha, bursting into tears: "But I didn't know it was *this* baby!"
Mommy: "Oh honey."
Jerusha, sobbing: "I loved this baby! Except for Silas, he was my favorite!"

I know Honey, I know. I know.

January 14, 2007 - Another day, another word.

Well, it is time for another blog. The weather has been frightfully cold around our place and since only God knows where our winter jackets, hats, mitts and such are, we are trapped in the house. Everyone is getting bored out of their minds and on each other’s last nerves. Silas is miserable while teething. He has discovered that he can scream as well and graces our ears with the melodious sounds of which I wish only dogs could hear. He knows the word no and if he feels like being non-compliant after being told such a command, he yanks on hair, throws his pacifier, or whacks the spoon full of food (which ever object was being referred to with said “NO!”) Tomorrow he goes to see the pediatrician and we will hold our breath with excitement about his weight gain. We are now using size 3 diapers so I know that he must be growing. It is just so hard to tell when I see him all day everyday and it will be nice to have some confirmation.

Speaking of growing, our 5 year old, Jerusha, reached up to the cupboard and while on tipee toe got a glass from the shelf, a feat that when we moved in on Nov. 1 still required a stool. And the clothes I bought her the day after Thanksgiving? She looks like she is waiting for a flood. My goodness where did my baby grow?! (Pun intended) She is awfully lonely now that the older two have started school and I’ve been looking for some sort of . . . I don’t know. Maybe a playgroup or something for her to look forward to once or twice a week would be nice.

Savannah, nine, continues to amaze everyone around her with her amazing abilities. Her new teacher told us about a program they have to encourage reading. After so many books per month, the kids get a coupon for a personal pan pizza. Savannah received her coupon for this month after less than one week of school. She is absolutely enthralled with her new sewing machine as well and is well on her way to being a fabulous designer seamstress. Perhaps she’ll be famous before her tenth birthday. . . You never know!

Micah, twelve, is loving his new teacher who is excited about history and sports. Since these are of great interest to Micah this teacher’s excitement was to us, the biggest selling point for the school. Micah likes history so much, and the civil war era in particular. He actually gets to go on a five day civil war camp trip with the Young Marines this summer. They will go to Gettysburg and get to see all the places we studied about when we were homeschooling (thank-you Sonlight curriculum!). We have discovered that he is also quite the salesman. He is in second place for selling the most entertainment/coupon books in the unit to raise money for the Young Marines.

Albert is still working endless hours, but it is getting better with the help we’ve hired. Taking care of the Adult Foster Home is extremely time consuming and we don’t have time to do much else. We need one more person to work one day a week and then we should be okay.

We are remodeling the three bedrooms in the addition part of the house (fixing drywall issues, texture to hide the unevenness of the walls, paint, new floor, and new fixtures) and it has been crazy around here. My brother starts a major remodel on the master bath in a couple weeks and I can’t wait to crawl into the new spa tub with Silas. His tub so far has been the sink and it requires a meticulous scouring beforehand to get it ready for him and then a thorough sopping up afterward. He likes to take a bath so much that when I try to lift him out of the sink he throws a fit . . . even after I’ve drained the water!

My parents are doing better without the stress from selling the ranch and the demands of the new owners. They took off to go visit my mom’s brother in Yuma where a bunch of family is meeting up for a little reunion. I hope it is a refreshing time of peace and relaxation for them. To those of you who said we should write a book about our experience in the NICU, I’ll let you know that my mom has started compiling all our updates for a book. She will do a fabulous job as she has had years of experience turning people’s oral histories into written stories with the historical society. (If anyone is interested, ask me to show you “Turning the pages of Time” a two volume history book my mom helped compile from our hometown of Nampa, Alberta. It is beautiful.)

Dad’s arm is healing nicely and didn’t need surgery (praise the Lord). I don’t think he’ll be crawling onto any more roofs soon although I did offer to get him some Aflac coverage just in case. They are all moved into their house at the coast and have procured a house for my brother, Caleb, and his family as well. It is going to be lonely here without all of them. I am missing them already.

Anyway, I am going to sign off with an interesting conversation I had with one of my children (I’ll let you figure out which one).

Child: “Mom, I just love the erection.”

Mom (trying to choke back shock and horror): “The erection?”

Child: “It was the most beautiful gift God could have given us.”

Mom (wondering who she was going to kill for corrupting her child): “Really?”

Child (wistfully): “Yeah. Don’t you think so?”

Mom (about to be sick): “Well, I am not sure what you mean.”

Child (a bit exasperated): “You know; when Jesus was killed and put in the tomb and then on the third day he was erected and went to heaven where He’s building us a mansion? That was the erection and I just love God’s gift to us.”

. . . The people who invented the English language should have talked to a child before deciding which words meant what! RES-erection, Honey, you’ve got to have the RES in front of it!

~Tanaya~

January 8, 2007 - Sad news.

It has been a long weary road and I have not been able to post an update for quite some time. Let me start by saying that Silas is doing well. He has completely recovered from his surgery in Portland and now that he is on medication for acid reflux, he is eating and sleeping better. We were able to visit with a few of our NICU friends while we were there. DJ, a preemie born 10 days before Silas and weighing less than four pounds, is now much bigger than Silas who was born 10 pounds 4 ounces. Nanette, Silas ladybug roommate, is stunningly beautiful and energetic. Her mom, JoAnn and I were able to have a normal conversation (i.e. without the constant nagging thought of “is your or my baby going to have to face another terrible trauma today?”) when we drove an hour to Salem to visit Becky and Joshua.

This is where it gets difficult for me to write. While our visit with Becky and her smiling cherub was lovely, and seeing the three beloved babies sitting together on Becky’s couch wrung tears of joy from my eyes, Joshua was not doing well.

On December 8, 2006, Joshua succumbed to a multitude of complications and passed away in his mommy’s arms. It has been incredibly difficult, to say the least, to write about this heartrending event. On Dec. 23, Silas, Micah and I attended Joshua’s memorial service. My eyes burned with tears through the whole ceremony as did every other set of eyes present. One row was taken up with NICU survivors DJ and his mom Trina, Aunna and her parents, Dustin and Amanda, and Silas with my and Micah. There were also many nurses from Emanuel NICU who had cared for all our children as well as a home health nurse who’d gotten to know Joshua after he had gone home. There was also another mom who’d been in the NICU with Becky after we’d gone home and subsequently lost her little girl. And yet another mom who’s son (one of a set of twins) had been in the NICU for over nine months and was currently in the Pediatric Intensive care after yet another surgery. There were so many more people who’d been touched by Becky and Joshua and changed forever by the jovial smile of a kid who thought life was a joy even through all his trials and by the genuinely compassionate spirit of his mother. I also know of so many others who wished to be there but were not able to and who were lifting Becky up in prayer. That little family has been a truly amazing inspiration to so many.

Anyway, that is pretty much all I can write about this at this time. It is so emotionally exhausting to go over the details in my mind; I can’t even imagine what it must be like when the details are about your own child. I look at Silas and I think, why me? Why did my child survive? I certainly didn’t do anything so wonderful as to deserve to raise him. In fact, it is probably just the opposite. I get annoyed when he wakes in the middle of the night screaming and won’t go back to sleep, or when he throws a fit and knocks the spoon out of my hand splattering everything and everyone within a three foot radius with cooked cereal and yogurt. How can I be upset when I know that every breath he takes is an amazing miracle? And now Becky is added to the ever lengthening list of mothers who would give their right arm just for a few more moments with their precious child. Rachel, Krista, Becky; I am humbled and in awe of the strength of these women to endure through the aching hole in their hearts. And this list does not include all the amazing women I’ve met on the internet whose children no longer grace this earth. Each of you is the mother I want to strive to be. Thank you for sharing your lives with me and so many others. You’ve inspired me with your love for your children. Thank-you.

Love

~Tanaya~