May 19, 2007 Tears, tears and more tears

There are days when I think that I have run out of tears; that perhaps I have shed my allotment and there will be no more to shed. And then there are days like today.

Three more beautiful children have recently joined so many others before them and now sit at the feet of the Lord with angels as playmates. I am overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. How can the world continue on when so many have had their entire existence shaken to its core? I want to scream "STOP!! Don't you know what just happened?!" I am so very sad. Even when I am happy I always remember the ones who are no longer with us or who are embroiled in trauma while they fight for their lives. It just seems like it is too much to bear. I want to reach out to each of these families and hug them so tight that it would make all the sadness disappear and they would be able to hold their children as if death had never visited.

I guess I'm just feeling especially sad tonight. I've gone back through the pictures from so many families of their babies from in the womb to birth to machines and wires to death and it reminds me of how empty their arms are. Lord, help me to have the strength to love without bitterness. Give me faith with doubt. Help me to cherish without obsessing. And most of all, give me grace when I fail. Than-You for Your unending promises and for Your Son, Jesus, without whom I am nothing but dust.

~Tanaya~

May 13, 2007 Rainbow Memories

This is a poem I wrote for Jolee Jean and her mom, Krista. Jolee's birthday is in a few days and her angel day is shortly after. I miss you JJ. You are thought of fondly in my home and every rainbow reminds my children and me that you are a precious spirit not too far away. I can't wait to meet you again in heaven.

Just another long day

On this great rock.

Life marches on;

Eternity won’t stop.

Every moment that you’re gone

Just sears me to the core

Even though I comprehend

An angel plays on heaven’s floor.

No gentle caress or

Snuggles while you sleep

Can mend my heart

Or console me as I weep.

Tender touches from your sweet hands,

Toes to count and tickle;

Rainbows, instead, are all I have

Ain’t life kind of fickle?

I miss my child, my gentle babe,

No one can replace her,

Because you’re gone, my soul is torn

Oh my precious daughter.

With my God’s abundant grace

My thoughts, I pray, will brighten.

Everyday is that much closer when

My memories will no longer frighten.

Our hearts and hands will be entwined,

Rainbows dancing all around;

I will hold you in my arms;

Earth will fade and heaven be found.

So smile, Jolee, your Mommy loves you.